A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend emigrated 4 months ago and I am trying to get things organised to be with him which is proving really difficult both financially and legally. We recently met up for a weeks holiday half-way to save on flight costs and time and after a day I thought something was different between us - kind of distant. I put this down to not being together for a while. During the time my boyfriend has been away he texts me regularly etc and has mentioned several times that he is out playing pool with his mate on a Friday night and I trust him. On our recent get together on holiday his mobile phone kept receiving texts and I got a bit agitated one morning when he was at the gym and had left his phone behind so I opened the text. I wish I hadn't because it was from this 'mate' who said "When you're back we'll have to find some new girls". In a panic I checked his other messages and there were old ones from the same person saying "Yeah lets go to that bar - I can't dance anyway". My boyfriend had never mentioned any of this and so I gently asked him whether he had made any new friends etc - eventually he opened up saying he had got really lonely and that he had been tempted to go out and chat women up but had not cheated on me. I believe he hasn't fully cheated but I do wonder if I hadn't extracted this from him whether he would have told me what had been going on. He got quite aggressive towards the end of the conversation and yelled at me that I didn't trust him and what was the point. I am now feeling it's all my fault. I feel really vulnerable. I haven't been out in bars finding men behind his back. Don't know what to think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): I just want to say to you that man are very different from women. They can be in love but, sex for them is like a necessity, like eating. I am not saying that your bf had cheated, he probable hasn't; but if the opportunity presents, he would not hesitate. Specially, since you both are apart. Unfortunately, LD relationships is based on trust and communication; talk to him and start making plans on how to get together in the future. I know is a tought situation, I am on a similar situation as well, and belive me I don't know how to handle it; but maybe you can. If you really belive in the relationship and him just fight for it. For the record, do not check his phone ever, why hurting yourself over something you have no control over; you are only hurting yourself 'cause you are still with him. like they say: "out of sight, out of mind" or "what you don't know wont hurt"
best of luck
A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (18 December 2007):
 It doesn't always have to be physical to cheat, you can cheat emotionally/mentally.
It's not fair for your boyfriend to have been thinking of other women, although at least he was honest with you about it.
Although you must feel quite insecure now, and wonder about your future. Eespecially living in different countries. I'm sure you feel quite betrayed too.
Anger is often a way of hiding feelings, he feels guilty and so therefore shouted at you and turned it around on you - very manipulative. It's not fair and definately not your fault. Wouldn't HE lack trust in you if he found similar messages on your phone?
You haven't mentioned if you are planning to emigrate with him? Are your plans to keep up a long distance relationship? If so, do you think an open relationship would be a better idea?
The way I see it, you can either trust him and carry on with the realtionship. You can play him at his own game and drop hints about you going to bars etc (which will probably just get messy, game playing rarely works), or you can leave him. It's going to be very difficult to build the trust back up especially if you're in different countries.
Good luck with whatever you choose, message me if you need to talk x
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