A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my wonderful boyfriend for a little more than a year. We're both 24. He's my first boyfriend, and 99.9% of the time, I couldn't be happier with him. He literally is one of the most kind, considerate, old-fashioned, respectful individuals I have ever met. He has already helped me through countless rough patches in my life including quitting my job, searching for another one, moving, and going back to school. I feel like I can totally be myself around him without nervousness or self-conscious, and he constantly tells me how beautiful I am, how important I am in his life, and how much he loves me. Neither of us are terribly clingy people, and we live about a half hour apart, so we see each other a couple times a week, and when we're not together, we email, text, Skype, send each other funny links, etc, and we keep up on the small details of our lives. We lost our virginities to each other, and we have even begun to (vaguely) talk about moving in together someday.The only problem I am having in this relationship is that he is still good friends with his ex-girlfriend. They met in college, and dated for four years. From what I gathered from him, their relationship was somewhat tumultuous at times. She transferred to another college 3 hours away in her sophomore year, so they became long distance, and she studied abroad for a year, (I think in her junior year) so they became even more long-distance. During that time, from what I gathered, she didn't communicate with him as much as he would have liked/she said she would, and my boyfriend had a really hard time of it, and on top of which, she never came home/visited him when she said she would. Sometime after they graduated, they broke it off, and I'm unsure of whether he broke it off with her or if it was more of a mutual thing, but he did say that their breakup was relatively peaceful as far as those things could go. Again, from what I gather from what he's said, their breakup also had to do with conflicting morals and spiritual beliefs: she is an extremely devout Catholic (even more so today than she ever was), and after some soul searching in college, my boyfriend decided that he felt better identifying as an atheist, which, I'm sure, put stress on their relationship. She knew she wanted a large family, and he doesn't want kids. I am also an atheist and I do not want children. Oh, and now after everyone graduated, she still lives 3 hours away from him.So to get to more of my point, they are still friends with the majority of the same people from college, and I know they keep in touch via email, text messages, etc. For instance, when we first became exclusive, he invited me to go on a camping trip with some of his friends. It was then that he told me that one of the people coming would be his ex-girlfriend. I was really beginning to fall for him, so as not to "rock the boat," I brushed it off and said that it was fine, with the intention to "feel out the situation" at the trip. When I met her, I was pretty shocked at how alike we were in some aspects and how very different we are also. We look generally the same; we have the same hair color, and pretty much the same body type. We share a recreational activity. However, there are some points where we couldn't be more different. Like I said, she's extremely religious, and I am extremely not. Also, she's a stereotypical extrovert: loud, touchy, attention-seeking, while I'm more of an introvert: not shy but quiet and calm, and I don't beg for attention like she seems to do. But bottom line, for whatever reason, she rubbed me the wrong way from the beginning. So as not to make it awkward for my boyfriend and their mutual friends, I put on a happy face and tried my best to enjoy the trip, but I found myself to be on edge the whole time.After the trip was over, the next time we saw each other, he asked if it was awkward going on the trip with his ex. I said that it was "alright" but I started to voice my opinions on the differences between us and my feelings of being overshadowed by this extroverted, attention-seeking person. I said (and I still believe) that there's not a malicious bone in her body, but purely on a personality basis, she'd never be my favorite person by far. He agreed with my analysis of her characteristics, and even asked me if I'd like him to ask her to "tone herself down" when I felt uncomfortable. I said I'd take him up on it if need be.Moving forward, I have had a couple more run-ins with her on trips, and my feelings about her haven't gotten any better. My boyfriend has even called me out on it, asking me why I seem so "edgy" and I try to brush it off the best I can. On other trips though, I was able to observe their interactions together, and they still have a certain dynamic together. I can see his eyes light up when he sees her, and on one trip in particular, he barely left her side the whole time. If an outsider were to look at our group, I'd bet a million dollars that if they were asked to point out the couple, they would have picked my boyfriend and his ex, not my boyfriend and me. Now, in the present, I find myself with a new job, and relocated to a new place where my boyfriend and I only live 30 minutes tops from each other. Coincidentally, I'm living with another of his friends from college (female) who I have always gotten along with. I know that she's also friends with my boyfriend's ex, and I know I'm running the risk of seeing her if she visits my roommate, but I really needed a place to live, and I figured the pros of finding a place closer to my boyfriend and knowing the person I'd be living with outweighed the con of potentially seeing her more than I want to (which, to just be totally frank, is never). We all just had another camping trip, and of course, I was feeling some anxiety about whether or not my boyfriend's ex would be attending. I kept asking him who was on the lineup fairly frequently so, if she was one of the attendants, to give myself plenty of time to mentally prepare. About a week before the trip, my boyfriend came over to my place after work and used my laptop. The next day, I found that he left his email account open and, yes, I caved to my own insecurities and checked his correspondence with her. They still talk roughly every two to four weeks. I know she's trying to date but having a really difficult time because of her overbearing personality and extreme religious views, and she's confiding in my boyfriend. I went a little farther back in history and was hurt to find that he came to her about some difficult times in his life before he felt the need to come to me, his girlfriend. He has constantly told her that he "just really felt like he needed to talk to her" and that he was "glad that they were still such good friends." I know I shouldn't have checked his emails, I know it's wrong, but I was starting to get so paranoid and anxiety-filled about the upcoming trip that I wanted to check to see if she was planning to go and he just hadn't told me yet. As it turns out, she didn't go, and I was able to have a great time. It's not like she's an everyday worry for me, and the vast majority of the time, I'm able to relax, think about the thousand other things that are way more relevant to my life and my relationship, and put her way on the back burner. But when trips are planned, I'm finding that my level of worry ratchets up, and I don't know how to handle myself. My boyfriend has suggested a handful of activities to do, which I know he has done with her in the past, and I immediately worried that he's thinking of inviting her too. So my questions are, do I have a right to be as worried as I am? Am I overreacting to the relationship my boyfriend and his ex still have? Is it right to maybe think that he's just being a "stupid boy" and is largely unaware of his subconscious actions when he's around her and how it looks to me/makes me feel? Should I just put my big-girl undies on and deal with it? Or should I ask my boyfriend to re-evaluate his friendship with his ex on the basis of how it makes me feel?Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to give any readers every facet of the situation I can in order to (hopefully) get some good, unbiased, anonymous answers.Thanks!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (21 August 2013):
Insecurities is a dangerous thing and you have to realise that no one or any other external factor can make it go away. It is something that you must solve from within. I say this because I have friends who end up in their "ideal" relationships, but to me it just looks like one partner keeping tabs and manipulating the other. My point is that I don't think your boyfriend is doing anything that is particularly wrong. Same goes for his ex. While she is his ex, she is still his friend and they do have history together. That's just the reality of it. I do not think you are doing anything wrong either but you sure are letting your anxiety get the better of you.
Really it just seems like you are defeating yourself. He doesn't seem to talk to her often and he worships the ground you walk on. You would have the right to be worried if there was something suspicious going on but there really doesn't seem to be. If you think he is doing something wrong, like if he is spending too much time with her then you should at least tell him that.
If I put myself in his shoes, the way I see it, I go on a camping trip and I get to talk with my friends and also my best friend whom I don't talk to so often. You also get to hang out with a "group" and we get to enjoy something that is not just the two of us. I know to a girl this maybe doesn't make a whole lot of sense, because you expect the guy to be around you all the time but like you said, the two of you aren't clingy anyway.
While I do understand you are introverted and there is a bit of insecurity going on, I feel like you are using these things as excuses in hopes that the problem will just go away. But surely you must know that she isn't going away anytime soon and then again, she isn't really a problem. I wont tell you want you should or should not do but I think you should follow your gut and intelligence after all you do seem very smart. But I want to say that you should DO something rather than following this habit of keeping quiet. If you trust your boyfriend then you should talk to him about these things because if he does love you, he will naturally want to help you. You don't have to spill it out in one go. You can set yourself some time to gather your thoughts and explain to your boyfriend what is really bothering you. Bare with your bf that he may be taken aback a bit but give him time to process these things as well. Good luck and let us know how it goes, whether good or bad.
A
female
reader, Scarlettxx  +, writes (21 August 2013):
 First of all unless you've made this entire situation up in your head because you're completely crazy then I don't think you're overreacting at all. If it's upsetting you then it's important to discuss how you feel.
Most of the men I've dated have had ex-girlfriends & a lot of the men I've dated have remained in contact with their ex-girlfriends. My current boyfriend is friends with his & yes it freaked me out at first but when I met her she was lovely & it was clear he was just friends. One of my exes got back with his ex (it was a complete rebound relationship which I should have never gotten into in the first place but hindsight is a wonderful thing!) & left me heartbroken & another ex deliberately made me feel paranoid about his ex & tried to change me into her... but never ended up with her even after we broke up, they genuinely were just good friends. He was just slightly crazy!
The point I'm trying to prove here is it depends on the guy & how mature he is & how he has dealt with the break-up. It's not always a cut & paste no-no to be friends with your ex. It depends on the people.
To be honest your boyfriend sounds like a trustworthy guy, I genuinely don't think he'll be jumping into her arms the minute your back is turned but it is well worth speaking your mind to him. Too many girls (myself included!) don't say how they're feeling in the fear they'll look 'crazy' but girl that is his problem!
You obviously love each other & part of being in love is discussing how you feel & communicating, blah, blah, blah... you've heard it all before but it's TRUE! You don't have to fear coming across as psychotic if you feel you have a legitimate reason.
I think it's a good thing that your boyfriend is actively trying to include you both in activities, he probably wanted to negate any fears you had by introducing you in the first place & may be a little disappointed that you don't particularly see eye-to-eye but I've a feeling that's more to do with clashing personalities than her wanting to do the nasty with your boyfriend!
Yes, I would be a little bit ticked off that your boyfriend is telling her things he hasn't told you & I do think that needs to be addressed for your own sake. Again I don't think it's because he's still madly in love with her but he spent four years in a relationship with the girl, he's still friends with her, he probably feels more comfortable (at the moment) telling her difficult to talk about things than sharing with you... not because he doesn't love you but because he could be a little embarrassed or scared to tell you stuff in case it turns you off of him. This sharing can come with time...
Girl on that note you also need to curb the snooping! Most good women go through it (as well as men!) but it shows a complete lack of trust & insecurity. Remember the saying: If you look hard enough for something you'll sure find it!
So in a nutshell I think you need to sit down & have a constructive talk with your boyfriend, tell him how you're feeling but don't be accusing or jump to conclusions, be logical, talk like a man... use phrases like 'It makes me angry when...', use specific examples but be very calm & most importantly get it off of your chest.
He sounds like a nice guy whose genuinely good friends with a girl he just happened to be in a relationship with, people move on & who knows, you could be the one! He'll just have to accept that you & his ex may never get along but that doesn't have to be a bad thing, you can't win everyone.
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