A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 35 and have been married nearly 15 years. I realise now that I married too young as my relationship was immature and I had not had time to develop my own interests and friends. Our marriage didn't start well (sexually) and was often awkward. My husand didn't show much interest towards me on our honeymoon and it kind of set a theme. Gradually things deteriorated and we had more and more arguments. I found his manner very controlling and sometimes abusive and I have lost my confidence - its just disappeared! I felt very low at one stage and spoke to my husband about it - he said he felt it was ok to be married and still sleep with other people. I was so taken aback by that comment it really destroyed me. About 6 months later I had a one night stand in a drunken state. I told my husband almost straight away and he said not to worry and he felt it was his fault. I don't think I have ever got over what I did I felt horrible about myself I had done a terrible thing and the circumstances that led to it I blamed myself. I have hung on to this marriage and taken year in year out the negativity that now I go around numb. We haven't had sex for 6 years and I cannot imagine it now. We have had some terrible rows that got physical and I got permanent damage to one of my teeth. Deep down I wish things could be different but they are not and he made Christmas just gone a totally miserable day - one of the worst of my life. I am still nervous around him and now feel uninspired to even book a holiday. I feel trapped by holding on to what could have been / might be....and yet it seems pointless. My husband seems keen to make a fresh start but I've heard this so many times. I get my hopes up only to realise he hasn't changed. We have no children and I feel so sad because it is down to all of this. I feel like a social outcast and have lost my closest friends having moved area to be nearer his job. I don't invite people round because I feel I am being false - putting on an act of happiness when inside I am dying of hurt, isolation and general lack of direction. Just recently I have met a lovely guy who went to a dance class I went to. We have only chatted but I feel light again - taken seriously and just a glimmer of my old self. I feel motivated again - and guilty for feeling this way. Should I get out of my marriage? Should I not go dancing any more to avoid what this could lead to so that I can give my husband what he wants - a fresh start? I don't know whether I have it in me to make the marriage 'work' and really I'm not sure if it can.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (31 March 2008):
 You've given the relationship 15 years, why not separate for a bit and explore your options? If you haven't had sex in 6 years, then you're essentially roommates and not a married couple in the usual sense of the word.
A red flag for me is the awkwardness of sex in the honeymoon and in the fact that you haven't been sexually intimate with him for 6 years. This is just not a healthy marriage at this point, I think, and I'm sorry to be so blunt about it, but it's time for you to explore your options.
Don't pin your hopes on the new guy, by the way, but the fact that he has reinvigorated you is a good thing.
If I were in your shoes, I'd see about some counselling for myself, if not for the two of you, and consider what I would want the rest of my life to be like.
"Trapped" in a sexless, loveless marriage would not be the best way to spend the next 40 or so years of your life, am I right?
I'd also be very suspicious of his sexual orientation, just because I have heard too many stories about couples like you, where the man didn't want to be bi or gay, but had managed to hide it for many years... but again, that's just a guess....
All the best, and do take care.
A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (31 March 2008):
 You poor, poor dear. I am in a very similar situtation, minus the physical abuse. My husband is very controlling and just plain mean sometimes. I, too, have lost myself and just go around in a dazy haze most of the time. If it is possible for you to leave, then I would recommend it. I am in a situation that I cannot get out of. Most people would say to me that if I really wanted to leave, I could, but they don't live my life. It's easier for me to stay than for me to face what I would if I left. I have been married 14 years, and we were a couple for 8 before that. He's pretty much been my life. Again, I would strongly suggest you get out if you can. I have no idea how he would react to your leaving, and you need to consider that. As far as other men go, you have to have something to make yourself feel better, and right now if it's the guy at dance class, then you continue whatever has started between you two.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 March 2008):
 Sounds like you are beating a dead horse here. I'd divorce your husband if I were you and give YOURSELF that fresh start. You've wasted enough time, get going honey, you need to be able to smile again.
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