A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im a 20 year old male in my first gay relationship. Ive been with my boyfriend for over six months now. In the first couple of months everything was fine and easy. I didnt feel uncomfortable around him, never had to think about what I said and always felt at ease and happy and always looked forward to seeing him and missed him when he wasnt there. After three months I kissed a colleague at work who I am attracted to. I told my boyfriend about this a few weeks ago and he forgave me. My main problem is that recently I find myself becoming more and more unhappy. I do love my boyfriend and dont want to lose him, but it seems that whenever were together i feel uncomfortable, paranoid and uneasy. I dont know whats gone wrong in such a short space of time. I dont know whether its because im feeling guilty about cheating, whether I feel trapped, Im bored or whether the problem is with him..or could we just have gone out of the "honeymoon period" so to speak.I honestly dont want to lose him because I love him, but I dont think either of us are happy..and I dont want to make him unhappy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2007): You don't love him, in the way that is required to maintain a committed relationship..that's the problem. Plain and simple. If you did, you wouldn't be feeling this way and you wouldn't have kissed a colleaque, nor been attracted to this guy you kissed. Usually the first few months of a new relationship is the fun, dizzying phase. It's the phase when we are on our best behaviours and spending every waking moment together. Eventually, that feeling fades and then we relax, we become our true selves a bit more, and commit to truely loving that person we are with. When you choose to love, you decide to look at the other person in a positive light and you back up those thoughts with positive actions. To love someone is to always want the best for them, to protect them, to put their needs before your own. Kind of like deciding to be selfless. You haven't made the choice to love him in the way he deserves to be loved. You are unhappy but you state you don't want to lose him. Love and relationships are huge risks and if just one of the two partners are not at the same place..something has to give. I don't think you have a choice here. Do the best thing and just part ways. He'll be hurt but why continue in a relationship where it's plain you are not ready to love this guy, in a committed, deeply meaningful way. That's so unfair to him.
A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx +, writes (3 April 2007):
 I think it's very soon for the 'honeymoon period' to be over, personally speaking, but maybe that's all it is. A lot seems to have happened in such a small space of time in the relationship so maybe the honeymoon period was cut short by what you did and other issues you both have.
You need to talk to him about how you're feeling. Maybe he still has issues with what you did? Maybe you feel guilty and ashamed and can't let go of the cheating incident so you're subconsciously distancing yourself from him so, when it doesn't work out, you can blame yourself, as you feel you deserve the blame?
It's all very complicated when people's thoughts and feeling are subconscious and we don't know why we feel the way we do but you can get to the bottom of this. Try and do all you can to get things back to the way they were at first: do the things you did, go to the same places and talk to each other, make it fun again like is obviously has been before.
Talk to him about the cheating too. He needs to know how sorry you are and talking will not only let you know how he feels about it now but also, you can ease some of your guilt by sharing these feelings. Is is possible that the fact you cheated made you think you don't care for him the way you thought you may have done?
All these questions need answering so spend some time alone and with him and hopefully, you'll work all this out. Good luck.
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