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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hi, I would really appreciate some advice. My ex and I were together for 6 years, all lovely at first but he was going through a divorce at the time which took a toll on him individually and us as a couple. It didn't help that he can be verbally abusive and insecure at times. However he also brought me joy so although we had ups and downs I loved him etc ... We split up last Spring (he walked out as he had had a bit of a breakdown over all the divorce stuff) then we were on and off for a bit then got back together briefly earlier this yea Jan/Feb and he took me out on Valentine's Day and got me a card which said 'I loved you'. I played it very cool due to all the past 'stuff' etc and then after that he went quiet and just caused an argument (I think he felt rejected and he does tend to act 'hard done by' at times') so I got angry and various things were said etc .. I haven't seen him for about 9 months although we have had some nice chats on the phone and did agree to meet but it seems to be me that has to suggest meeting and this is my problem .. I feel 'stuck' - I used to be able to ask him anything, talk to him about anything but I can't seem to quite 'get there' in terms of just suggesting a day and time to meet!! This probably sounds crazy but I seem to have lost my voice with him in some way. I really do want to see him and he told my daughter he would love to come for Christmas (she asked him if he would come and visit) but he was scared her sister wouldn't like it (he and my younger daughter don't get on). He has not seen anyone else since we split up and I have had the odd date but nothing serious as I still love him. Any suggestions would be helpful as actually, I feel I have a lot unsaid and as each day goes by not seeing him, it feels as though a little bit more of my heart gets taken away. Thanks for any help that anyone is able to offer. Beth.
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a break, christmas, divorce, got back together, insecure, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, tjazzy  +, writes (1 December 2009):
Methinks your man is an absolute AC/DC nutcase. He's unstable and it's only a matter of time before he becomes Physically abusive. I think you should dump him and get someone else because if you continue with him, you will be doing all the giving and he will be doing all the taking until you're all drained dry and then he will blame you for not taking good care of him. At least you now know why his wife divorced him.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 November 2009):
 Hi Beth
there could be a reason your words are getting stuck in your throat, maybe they aren't supposed to come out.
You seem to be taking all the blame for his violent outbursts and his insecurities. I am wondering if you are merely lonely, and are taking the easy way out, it would be so much easier to have him back in your, and your children's, lives than to perhaps accept he is not the one and to move on.
Think very carefully, if your children see you accepting a man who is verbally abusive and insecure, and their mother's acceptance of these traits, there is a strong chance they will grow up thinking this is normal behaviour in a relationship, and they wont be able to recognise the really good stuff when it comes their way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2009): Hiya Beth. Been there, done that with a divorcing partner. It really does take its toll on your relationship doesnt it! My partner has managed to put his divorce and his ex behind him now, thankfuly, but it took 4 years and almost drained our relationship dry before he could do that.
My advice would be, sit down when its quiet and you can think undisturbed and communicate with him via the tried and trusted old fashioned method...write him a letter. Set out all the things that are on your mind and say everything you need to say to him. Treat the letter as if it may be the last time you have contact and dont pull your punches. It may or may not bring about a fresh start with him. But if it doesnt atleast you will feel some sort of closure. Either way a letter is better than trying to talk to him face to face or on the phone.
You say he can be verbally abusive, he obviously creates rows, likes to feel sorry for himself and hes insecure. Did that contribute to his divorce? And is that type of personality something you and your youngest child would be happy to live with long term?
I note you seem concerned that he may feel rejected because you werent enthusiastic enough about the card. Bless! How about you? Were you not feeling rejected after everything you went thru with him, only for him to walk out when he felt like it? It does sound as if youre doing all the running and you were his rebound gf following his separation. Someone secure and non threatening that he could be with while he licked his wounds until he was strong enough to take off. Which in essence is what the charming man did. Let him know how you feel because you are obviously unhappy with how things panned out but think very carefuly about having him back in your life. All the best x
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