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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,I am off for the next week due to holidays and as my boyfriend is working, I offered to work on clearing out his storage.Now he has an ex wife of 10 years(divorced in 2009) and I brought home a ton of boxes that were never unpacked. The divorce was not on good terms as she cheated so at that time I think he dealt by stuffing everything into the storage unit. I kind of had an inkling I would run into items but I actually found stacks and stacks and stacks of pictures of their life together (they clearly really liked each other at one time), crumbling love letters, her diary even. And being only human I went through it all. She was lovely. And now I'm losing my mind, getting drunk because maybe I'll never be as amazing as she was. She had the life I want. My dream life. How to cope?
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divorce, drunk, ex-wife Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 January 2018):
 OP you need to get rid off him, he is not the man for you, you are to jealous to be with someone who had a past.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2017): Original poster here...yesterday I had terrible (menstrual) cramps and just an awful day in general. So today I got flowers delivered to my work from my BF and the card said "get well soon" with his initials. Ok, bit from going through storage I remembered an old flower delivery card that to his ex that said "I love you so much!!!!" And now I can't even appreciate the flowers. Wishing he had written something more eloquent, like he wrote to his ex. :(
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (1 December 2017):
Firstly I would suggest that you get your anxiety and alcohol usage under control. Once doing that then maybe you can look at if this relationship is enough for you. It is clear you want the wedding, the firsts and the whole package but you need to be sure you want this with your boyfriend. Because he has experience marriage, and having a wife ect. If you cannot cope with him having a marriage before you then maybe he is not the man for you. Maybe you need a man who is new to marriage as well and so you can do all the firsts together. Reading her diary was very wrong, that is not the human thing to do, I personally would never involve myself in someones private diary. She had the marriage but she ruined it herself. You are not her and your relationship is not the same. You do need to accept that your boyfriend did love her at some point, if he didn't then he would not have married her, but you need to ask yourself can you deal with that and move past it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2017): Your saying that she was lovely.
Are you 100% sure that your boyfriend is being truthful about why they divorced?
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (22 November 2017):
 Oh i do sincerely apologise, as i meant to refer to you as your partner's girlfriend, not his wife!
I should make note, my msg is still relevant, with the exception that you're both not married to one another, however, if you do love him enough to want to marry him, then you'd be wise sorting yourself out prior and working hard to not be so insecure and jealous.
I've sent you a bit of info to read.
I do hope it helps.
Also, you should try to avoid sorting out your bf's personal belongings, if finding images and personal items from his past, is bringing you so much pain and angst.
Allow your bf to do his own sorting out of his belongings.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (22 November 2017):
For your own sake, please LET GO of the past and specifically, "your husband's past".
It's actually quite easy to do.
You don't dwell on it, you don't waste all of your time thinking about it and what transpired before.
You are comparing YOU to HER and their previous life as man and wife.
Sure, once upon a time, he loved her, she loved him and they married, assuming their marriage would last, OTHERWISE, why marry in the first place right?
The fact is, their marriage FAILED and the end result, DIVORCE.
Their marriage wasn't as picture perfect as you may think, nor "assume" just because you've seen "many" images of them together.
If anything will help you to feel better, take this from me, you are only hurting YOURSELF and your MARRIAGE, by feeling these negative thoughts, perhaps feeling "jealous and envious" hence your resorting to drinking/getting drunk.
Your MIND, is the most powerful of tools and if you believe something enough, your mind will trick you into believing it's true.
You actually know nothing about your husband and his ex wife's life together and many "happy" photos don't necessarily air the truth of what really went on behind closed doors, over MANY years.
They obviously had trouble brewing and it culminated in divorce and if your husband loved his ex wife to such a degree, he'd NEVER have left her.
He'd have fought tooth and nail for her and i doubt he'd have found closure and moved on.
The fact that he DID move on and he ended up finding YOU, should speak volumes.
After what he's been through, he allowed himself to be vulnerable again and he fell in love with YOU, so don't make a mockery of his love and devotion to you, BY being insecure, by feeling jealous, by resorting to drinking heavily and getting drunk.
I am happy to share a bit about my personal life with you.
My husband has been twice divorced and yet, i do not allow myself to get caught up in feelings of jealousy, resentment, making comparisons, or carrying any feelings and behaviours that spell, insecure.
I will not jeopardise my mental state and my marriage, because of thoughts of my husband's past.
I knew from day one, that if he chose me, after all he's endured, then he must truly love me with all his might, otherwise he'd never, ever take such a risk to marry for a third time.
My husband loves me, trusts me and is committed to our marriage and that's all i need to know.
We trust each other fully and we live "IN THE PRESENT MOMENT" and that's where you ought to be with your husband.
Living, "IN THE PRESENT MOMENT", enjoying each other's company and above all else, enjoying your marriage and making the very most of your marriage.
Do not punish HIM and YOURSELF by way of getting drunk, because you won't ever be able to carry out a happy and healthy marriage if you aren't in the RIGHT frame of mind.
I'm sure your husband is worried about you and doesn't understand what you're doing and why.
You should seek help with your drinking problem and talk to your husband about your feelings of insecurity and negativity.
You have to be careful, because you don't want to push your husband away from you.
You want to draw him nearer to you and the best way to do this, is to make your marriage as simple and as easy going as possible and this means, no getting overly emotional about HIS PAST, HIS PREVIOUS MARRIAGE and what they did or didn't do.
It really matters not, because you're the new and precious woman in his life and his ex, well, they're history.
You must "accept" that she was once a big part of his life and that of course there'd be many photos from his past, but you shouldn't allow these images to take over your mind, ever.
After all, they're just images, just as i'm sure you've collated many an image of your past too, with various people and ex partners.
You have lived and that's a good thing.
Just say to yourself, this is his PAST and his FUTURE is with ME.
You cannot change the past, so why fight it?
Let it go and let it go forever.
You'll feel so much better for having done so.
Your husband CHOSE YOU because HE FINDS YOU SPECIAL, AMAZING, ATTRACTIVE, INTELLIGENT, WONDERFUL, SEXY and so on, so relish in that thought and above all else, show "APPRECIATION" to your husband, because a man craves "appreciation", love and trust.
Try working on your self-esteem, because i think/feel you don't carry a very high opinion of yourself.
There are many books you can read and below, i've obtained a bit of reading material for you.
https://selfimprovement.org/self-esteem
https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-build-self-confidence
https://www.psychologies.co.uk/love/jealous-of-your-partners-past.html
http://waitingtillmarriage.org/jealousy-faq-get-over-partners-past/
I do hope that the information provided will help you greatly, however, again, i'd highly recommend you visit your GP and seek urgent advice regarding your drinking and your feelings of insecurity surrounding your husband's previous marriage.
Good luck and let me know how you get on. :-)
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (21 November 2017):
If their life was a dream life they wouldn’t be divorced. If you’re getting drunk over a woman your husband divorced almost a decade ago you need more help than anyone here can provide.
You need to talk to your husband first then you need to find a therapist and discover why you have such a low opinion of yourself your life and your husband.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (21 November 2017):
 Most people have a past, OP. Going int their 30's many people have been married before. Why are you comparing your life to his ex wife's? You aren't her, she isn't you and your boyfriend isn't how he was back then either. Why dwell on something from the past when you have the present and future? She cheated on him so things couldn't have been that marvelous. They got divorced. If they had truly wanted to stay together, they would have.
My husband was married before. He's a doctor, she was a doctor and a quite successful one. From what I know she was beautiful, very intelligent and very driven. He loved her, he married her. She cheated on him and hurt him very deeply. Do I care about the life they had together? Nope because he loves me and I am very secure in his love. I'm not her and he tells me he's glad that I am not.
Believe in yourself and your boyfriend's feelings for you or get out. Very few men your age do NOT have a past. Accept it and move on. I understand your curiosity but it was creepy to read her diary.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2017): Original poster here- @N91-What I meant by dream life was that she was married to him, and we're not married yet, and that she got to spend time with his father, and was there at the bedside of his grandfather (evident in pictures) both of whom passed away before we started dating, and she knew his mother too, and she unfortunately passed away as well, and she was closer to his niece that I am as well as other relatives (they now live far away, and who knows, they probably think more of her than they think of me, because she was first) these are things that I will probably NEVER get to experience, even after we marry, especially because some of these relatives have died and there's no going back from that...@02DuszJ-Yes, you're spot on, I do have issues with anxiety and questionable self-esteem, I checked out the link you sent and it was very helpful, thank you
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (21 November 2017):
 I don't think people who are lovely cheat on their spouse.
How exactly is being divorced living a dream life? I'm not sure where you're coming from and of course they liked each other at one point, why else would they marry? But dream life? Sounds far from it.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (21 November 2017):
 https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (21 November 2017):
Of course they really liked each other.. they were husband and wife.. there were obviously GOOD times in their relationship which they wanted to celebrate! In the same way you do when you have a good time with your friends.. pictures/ relics don't tell the whole story- EXACTLY like a Facebook profile is an enhanced, partly contrived version of reality.. when I was 20, 21 I was going out a LOT, DRINKING, partying- the pictures look like I'm having a great time, but was actually struggling to fight depression and ended up taking an overdose.. those pictures don't tell that story..
You are latching onto ONE negative obsessive thought and becoming more and more attached from REALITY. You're in the habit of negative thought patterns, like mind reading, thinking you know what goes through his mind, catastrophising, when actually you don't know ONE THING about their marriage.. she WASN'T the love of his life if she CHEATED- that means the relationship was NOT in a good condition, and that they weren't compatible in the long run. It means their relationship had big underlying flaws..
He ISN'T just settling for you- it doesn't work like that, you're not a rebound, as it was 10 YEARS AGO! If he loves YOU, he DOESN'T still love her. There are plenty of beautiful women in the world, mostly what you have to go on is looks.. how do you know she's so great??
You are running away with these irrational thought habits.. are you prone to anxiety? Anxious/depressed people have a LOT of these paranoid, irrational negative thought patterns.. if you find that small things like this are causing these overreactions and eating you up I would recommend some sort of therapy- CBT helped me a lot, for putting my thoughts into PERSPECTIVE.
Honestly it sounds as though you have self esteem issues, because this ultimately comes down to worrying over whether YOU are good enough.. confident people DON'T obsess over how they measure up to others, they are secure in themselves and their own skin..
I wish you well and it these feelings continue to be a problem get some therapy
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 November 2017):
 How do you cope?
By not comparing yourself to her. OK, so she was lovely, so what? She might be a great person but she was an awful wife and partner.
The guy you are with DIVORCED her. THEY weren't happy together. THEY didn't work out.
So really what is there to be jealous of?
As for reading her diary... No. Just no. I get that it was left behind but that doesn't give you the right to read it. Same honestly goes with love letters. Those were not meant for your eyes either and IMHO, shame on you for thinking you had any right to go through them.
Pictures, sure. My husband has a few pictures from his first marriage, and yes they did look happy together in a few of them. I'd be surprised if they didn't. People don't decide to take pictures when things are shitty - "Hey, honey I just cheated on you let's take some unhappy family shots for the album!!" So again, it's not really strange.
You partner and she didn't work out. He ISN'T with her. Before he met YOU he had a life, that includes a broken marriage.
She REALLY didn't have the life you want. UNLESS you want to be a woman who thought to cheat on her husband is just dandy. She may not have put in her diary WHY she cheated - most folks wouldn't. Maybe your partner didn't give her enough attention or sex (whatever SHE felt she was missing) She WASN'T fulfilled in the marriage. THAT is not what you want.
OTH If you can't handle him having had a past that didn't include you, then it's just not going to work.
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