A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been having an affair with a married man at work since last December. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone and cannot stop thinking about him. I told my husband last weekend as I cannot continue living a lie.My husband reacted desperate to keep me and asked me to quit my job and come travelling with him. I agreed to this and have handed in my notice but am having very serious doubts. My husband is a lovely man but I don't love him. I just feel too guilty leaving him. All of my friends think I should leave my husband and I really don't know if I should leave without trying (bearing in mind what I've already done) or try and make things work and see if we can possibly fall back in love. We've been together over 10 years and surely the fact that he says he loves me so much should count for something???? Also feel that as we are married, I owe it to him to at least try.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your responses - it's good to hear impartial opinions as it really is confusing and I can't bear to hurt my husband more than I already have.
Just to answer your queries, firstly our relationship has been more like friends than lovers for many years and we have supposedly been trying for a baby which to be blunt is practically impossible given the physical state of our relationship. We're also very different. I'm outgoings and socialable whilst he's quiet and likes to stay at home. This hasn't really caused problems but my friends find it odd that he doesn't come out with us.
We haven't been supporting each other and he's been really grumpy and off for many months and whenever I've tried to talk to him about it he's walked off. He's only now told me why he's been so miserable for the past 12 months. He says that I am the best thing in his life and the only thing that makes him happy and yet for the past 12 months he's accused me of bringing a grey cloud into the house when I come home ( even if I'm in a good mood initially!!).
With respect to my feelings when I'm with my husband, I do feel as though I'm being unfaithful to the other man and that's definitely driving a bigger wedge between my husband and I. I know it sounds as though it's just a new and exciting thing but I've known the other man for 4 years and we literally spend 3-4 hours a day on the phone so have to really know each other. He's never had an affair and has also told his wife. He wants us to be together but I really do feel that we owe our partners and current relationships a chance - just not sure if it will work or be a year of misery. Things are just so weird at the moment and really not sure if we can get back on track.
Thank you so much for your advice though - really appreciated.
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (3 April 2008):
 Hi,
the only thing I would say is it would be a mistake to leave him with the expectation of living permanently with the married colleague. There is a world of hurt in that direction.
Otherwise, you most likely owe it to your partner to split up. Give him another chance sure, but I don't believe that true love can reappear so easily as some people think.
You have cheated on him but that doesn't mean you should have to stay with him because of this or the guilt.
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A
male
reader, Edward183  +, writes (2 April 2008):
I feel you should give you Marriage one last chance. You took your vows and even though you seemed to have fallen out of love with you husband I think you should give the marriage one last chance.
10 years is a lot of years and you must still have some feelings towards your husband. Before throwing all those years away give your marriage another chance, and if you still want to separate then do it.
But I hope whatever happens you try and stay amicable with your husband, I think perhaps he deserves that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): Hey There,Im sorry to hear you are going through all of this, but the truth is when attraction to your partner has gone, it rarely returns.While an affair was the wrong thing to have done, it has highlighted that there is something missing in your marriage.You're going to have to decide whether you can live without that and stay married, or cut your losses and be single and free.You're still really young and you don't mention children so if you're not fulfilled then I would call it a day.It's brilliant that you have been honest with your hubby, that can't have been easy. I was once in a similar situation with a long term boyfriend, We weren't married but had lived together for 7 years. I had a one night fling with a colleague and came home and confessed the whole thing. Like your husband he asked me to stay with him, and I did do, for a further year.By the end of that year we broke up, and it was the unhappiest year of my life. We were best friends and I loved him dearly but I chose to stay out of guilt and wasn't attracted to him anymore. I should never have stayed that extra year.Within 2 years of breaking up he had met a lovely woman and now has 4 children, and Im happy as well.It's really your call but if you've come as far as you have and all your cards are on the table, I think you should really consider if you will be happy staying in the long run. Also, if your husband deserves to be free to meet someone else who will be in love with him.Good luck xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): You have to consider really if you want to end this marrige. You have been together for a long time, and something must have been there for you to stay.
You have said that you perhaps owe it to him to at least try. You do. You owe it to both of you. The difficulty now, is that you have confused your true feelings about this marriage by becomming involved with someone else. It is natural for you to not really be thinking straight.
There is little to advise on if something could be fixed in the marriage as you have not shared to much. Why do your friends think you should split with your husband? And what about a man you have only been involved with for a few months is love, and not just a new and exciting feeling?
There is one question I would like to ask for my own curiosity and hope you will respond.
My question to you and perhaps others in your situation, is. do you have guilty feelings for your affair partner, when your with your husband? You have acknowledge the guilt you have in not being honest with your husband, do you feel guilt for your lover when you are in your primary relationship? Just curious. Partly because if you are in love with the lover, how is it possible to be still with another man? I suppose it is about what love is to all of us, which gets confusing.
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