A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I think i was violated by a guy i just had sex with. I hung out with this guy twice, the first time he tried taking my pants off but i insisted they stay on. I wish i would have listened to my instincts that he only wanted sex from me, but i didn't. I hung out with him a few nights later, and we were both a little drunk. I told him i didn't want to have sex but he kept begging me. I am not a weak girl, but there was something about this guy that made saying 'no' impossible. Anyways, as we are having sex, he tells me he is so horny that he could "strangle me" and then he puts his hands around my neck. He said "I want to rape you, in a good way" , "I want to dominate you", and "I want to pull your hair so hard that some of it is left in my hand". He kept making me talk dirty to him and he kept saying how good it was to f*^k me...very degrading stuff. And he mentioned something about anal sex and i said not tonight and a few minutes later, he did it anyways. It hurt so bad i nearly cried.I feel like this behavior is NUTS, and i think he's CRAZY, and i feel so alone. I need to know if anyone else thinks this is abnormal? It's been nearly two days and all i have heard from him is that he doesn't want a relationhip and we can be friends and see how it goes...Like he's some kind of prize! I feel so used and violated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2008): do you know what- the man is a monster
i have been a little upset as my bf recently asked me if i would want to have anal sex, i said NO and he has totally respected my decision - that is the type of guy you need :)
i don't find anal sex particularly appealing at all, some may say that makes me a prude, i don't think so - its just not something that flats my boat.
each to their own - if some people love it then thats great, fine. if some don't then don't go on about it being wrong. its just a very personal thing.
you are not abnormal hun, you just have emotions which this monster clearly didn't
I hope you feel better soon
(and he's no prize, more of a curse!)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): PS: When a guy asks for anal sex.. it's best not to say "not tonight".. He thought you was playing the same type of games he likes to play. Ditch his number, forget about him, and next time take better care of yourself. This is a case of misunderstandings. Please be more careful next time. Put it down to experience, and stop drinking with guys you know nothing about.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): Unfortunately I wouldn't call this rape. This guy sounds like he is into BDSM, and for him this is normal. The aunts and uncles are perfectly right, if a guy tries to pull of your knickers, it is stupid of you be near him again, and more than insane if you get drunk when your with him. He didn't force you, you was unable to say no. Yes I can understand what you mean, this is seduction my dear, and you should have followed your instincts because the games he likes to play are beyond you.
Take responsibility for your own actions. In his mind you were a willing party and he did nothing wrong. By your own admission you didn't say no and you had sex with him. He promised you nothing, he owes you nothing. The way he likes to have sex frightened you, and thus you think there is something wrong with him. You made the mistake my dear, next time be more careful who you get drunk with, especially if they've already tried to tear of your knickers before.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): Wow..sounds like some good sex to me. Like you, I dont play that anal sex mess and as soon as I felt it back there I would've got my a** up. My childs dad was extremely aggressive and I felt violated and the cure for that was not to give him any at all!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): Do not hang out with this guy ever again. Anyone who forces you to do anything you do not want to do does not deserve to even be near you let alone have sex with you. I do not feel that this is a safe person for you to be around. Don't even talk to him anymore. STAY AWAY!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): Abnormal from who's point of view? Yours? It would seem so. His? Probably not; I doubt he would do anything to you he thought wsa abnormal. At any rate, it seems that you did not enjoy the experience. Dump him and find some guy who will respect you. Hang on to his number though because if you ever find yourself single and horny, you know you can count on him to give you a good ride. If it's just the anal that bothers you, take some lube with you the next time you see him. That will help. You can also practice with your fingers or a dildo in the mean time.
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A
female
reader, june8301 +, writes (30 September 2008):
To anyone who puts the blame on her, you should be ashamed of yourself. She made a MISTAKE...doesn't mean she's "easy" (and whatever reader posted that is a complete jerk) it means she made a mistake. Ya, she probably shouldn't have put herself in that position, but it is NOT her fault!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (30 September 2008):
 Everyone makes mistakes and you just made a mistake. The guy has issues and they are serious - he sexually assaulted you and I would report him to the police. They may not take action against him but they make keep a file on him all the same. Technically he raped you because you said you didn't want him to do certain things and he did anyway. Now he has got away with it he presents a risk to women more generally. He needs treatment and he can only recognise his problems once he is caught out and diagnosed. It takes courage to report him but I certainly would do it because of the community risk he presents. You could think of it as your positive action against a predator.
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male
reader, Mike Wilson7  +, writes (30 September 2008):
well you really should have said no. u should tell someone in ur family ur parents would be the best peeps to tell. I mean he did u up the A$$ and you almost cried and you said no so I would count it as rape because
1. you said no
2. he talked to you like crap and talked to you in a strange way. he talked to you as if he wanted to hurt you not pleasure you
and 3. you didnt enjoy it
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A
female
reader, kim83 +, writes (30 September 2008):
hi there your better off staying away from him before he realy hurts you it is strange behaviour maybe he has been violated in the past and that it is a phscological problem that he needs to deal with but my advice is to stay safe by staying away from him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): I agree with Lazy guy, you knew what this guy was like from the first date, you should have took that as a warning and never seen him again. But then you went out with him again, got drunk with him. Yes you didn't deserve what happened too you, he's an creep but you need to be more clued in next time, cause who's going to save you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): There is definitely something wrong here. Although he may have fetishes that are normal, his way of treating you is not. He either does not the know the difference between fantasy and real life, or you allowed him to take advantage of you.
Saying "no" is never impossible. You could have left, you could have called a friend or someone you could trust, you could have had someone you could trust stay with you during the event, you could have not even drank at all knowing how he had treated you the first time.
You need to stop putting blame on others for how they treat you and realize that you're promoting that behavior and allowing it to happen to you. If you really didn't want any of that to happen, you could have been more firm about your decisions and values and realize that he was taking advantage of you.
If you think his behavior is nuts and that he's crazy, why did you let him? Did you ever stop to think what he may have thought of you? That maybe you were easy and insecure which makes you the best type of target? One day, hopefully, you'll realize that being passive (you), can be just as nuts and crazy as someone who is aggressive (him). You say you're not a weak girl, but it sounds like you're in denial because you don't want to accept what really happened.
Of course he doesn't want a relationship. You could have seen that from the start. You feel used and violated because he practically raped you. Non-consentual sex is rape ("2. any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person. " taken from dictionary.com). You said "no", he did it anyways. You can't control what someone else does, but you can control what you do, how you react, and how you can prevent these types of things from happening in the first place. You need to regain control of yourself, act more responsibly when you drink, and have a backbone when when your values are involved. This may sound harsh, but you need to take these sorts of things more seriously than you have if you don't want it to happen again.
I would also highly suggest reporting this guy so that he doesn't put other women in the position he put you in, and in the process, find a counselor to talk with because the real problems lie beyond just this event.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (30 September 2008):
 Whose behavior are you inquiring about? Are you the abnormal one or him?
You had your warning on the first date, yet went on with the second one and got drunk on it as well making you even more vulnerable.
His sexual preferences are his problem, you allowing yourself to be used by the likes of him is yours. I suggest you take a long hard look at yourself and try to figure out why you can't say no to being treated this way. Guys like this aren't a problem to girls who can say no. Not just no to the sex but to the second date and if they are REALLY smart, to the first date.
You got to take charge of your own life, not just let things happen to you and hope for the best. Learn from this, go with your instincts.
His behavior is crazy, but you going on a second date with him was nuts.
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A
female
reader, Bobbyjo +, writes (30 September 2008):
 This guys behaviour doesnt, unfortunately, seem abrnomal as there are many men out there that will use and abuse women for sex. He does seem like a violent bully however and yes Im afraid you were used. I have seen many, many women (myself incuded) sleep with a guy and get the "i dont want relationship at the moment" line afterwards. These type of men are out for anything they can get. In fact, why would you even contemplate having a relationship with this guy?
Please dont feel bad about whats happened. Just remember to listen to your instincts in future. I would advise that you stay away from him, he doesnt care about your feelings and so is no way worthy of a relationship with you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): The same thing had happened to me...except me and this guy were talking for a while..and once we had sex he told me that he did not want a relationship either...and trust me when they say that...they mean it...now that he's had sex with you..he's going to try and use you at his convenience...and try and have sex with you as much as he can...but do not allow him to use you...I advise you to get out of this situation right now and try to stay away from him...take this as a lesson learned...move on and stay away from this creep..
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): By all means, you should feel violated. I won't sugar coat anything here. This clearly was not your cup of tea. What a terrible experience for you. You had every right to stop the sex at any point and he should have complied. You told him no to anal sex and he still did it. That is also a direct violation. You have two choices. Make a big deal about this and report him. Or try to heal on your own. I do however suggest a support group despite whatever decision you make. But his behavior is was not only just strange, but extremely scary. He sounds and behaves like a rapist. Someone you probably should cease all contact with. You might find some solace in reporting him. He probably already has a history worth investigating. Good luck my dear. please do keep us updated.
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