A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, So here is MAJOR issue im facing. Been with my "bf" for 4 and half years. Weve been closer then just the bf girlfriend relationship. (Id say its more like a marriage type of relationship, him staying at my home, our families meeting, planning a wedding etc) Anyway, he became abbusive towards me (psychially and verbally- early in the relationship) Which I honestly stayed because I was more in shock, confused and never had seen that type of behavior. Anyway, after him being there for me and my family when weve hit rock bottom, him finacially helping me..I built this sense of love support and etc from the pureness it came from actually doing such things. But the absuse continued, so finally after being fed up I decided I was NO LONGER going to take his abuse, controlling ways, and etc. I went FINALLY grew some guts and called the police on him...got his family involved etc. (This battle of getting him out of my life took close to one year, him breaking my items, selling my dog, stalking me, causing me hell anxiety etc)So after that long battle..and finally after the 3rd time he spend in jail I got granted the restraining order. He had finally left me alone..One day I get drunk and for god knows what reason I rush him crying and etc. Then of course that opens doors for him to come back in my life..he agreed to take classes, Id help with his court cases and wed start fresh because there was a reason for us to reunited. Soooooo yes since then the abuse started again, controlling behavior, disrespectfully talking, etc. Now Im just sitting back and kicking myself and wondering WHY the heck I ran up to him that night when I was finally a free woman..Im a lost puppy again..hoping he'll change since hes changed from a scale of 1-10 from a 10 to a 6, hes opened up to me with everything hes facing that hes hidden from me, I see the stress and anxiety attacks he gets when were together..I truly feel sooooo sorry for him (I know its stupid that I do, but its only because I know hes a weaker person then me and god knows why else) Hes starting his 1 year of domestic classes tomorrow..and Im hoping he'll change, I could ssay I feel as though he will..but I also feel like what the heck am I doing with someone that has no respect for me and puts me down, abuses me, when I have everything going for myself. I consider myself a pretty girl, smart and Iam the one everyone turns to for any help. What should I do??? Im lost again
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): You really need to get away from this situation and start again. This is a toxic relationship which is not based on what most people recognise as love. This is about control, obbession, power. There is no happy ending or future with someone like this. Think of what you want in a partner - warmth, trust, respect, affection - do you get that from him? No. Leave now and don't look back.
A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (29 November 2010):
 My Heart goes out to you, Honey! I know exactly what you are feeling. I have been there! I left more times than I care to count. But always went back to him. And of course regretted it immediately. I don't know why we (abused women) return to our abuses. But I do now know they don't change! I waited 16 years for my husband to change...it never happened! I have spent time in womens shelters, in private therapy and have learned a lot from my experience.
You may think that your situation is different...that your guy is capable of change...it won't happen.
I have never heard of a case where the abuser has changed. Here's a sobering statistic for you: An abused woman leaves her abuser an average of seven times...before she either leaves for good, or is killed.
I finally did leave my husband almost three years ago. It was a matter of waiting for the final blow that would kill me, or get out! I chose freedom!
I take comfort in knowing he will never hurt another woman again...he died of a massive heart attack a year (almost to the day) after I left him.
I will never let a man control me again!!! That's the beginning of the abuse...and only gets worse!
Get help while you can. You don't deserve to live like this. No one does.
My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Sincerely,
Brooklyn Girl
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