A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,My ex boyfriend and i have been dating again giving it another go. He says when he goes out that he doesnt acknowledge any other women and that he still acts like hes in realationship with me. Well for weeks hes been acting strange on the phone, short texts, short conversations. I dont know why I never do this but I looked at our phone record, we still have a phone together and saw that hes been having long conversations with another girl, I looked the number up, they have been texting alot infact when he says GN to me, he calls her. So I confront him and he says shes just a friend i vent to about us. It's so insane because he said last week that he had a dream that I was texting another guy during a fight and asked me if I would ever do that. When I confronted I told him his dream was his guilty conscious. I feel so dumb...how do I handle this.. we havent spoken and i dont even want to.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2019): Don't feel dumb, you had an opportunity to give it another try to eliminate all your stubborn doubts. Next-time, avoid second-guessing!
Here's some words of wisdom. Instead of telling yourself how dumb you are, built yourself up. You've learned something; and sometimes you have to go through a few bad things to learn and develop strength.
As relationships go, you'll experience a few hiccups; but you also need to pay close attention to recurring incompatibilities and unresolved-problems that keep popping-up. Be an adult, use common-sense, and learn how to compromise. Work problems out. Don't be childish and pretend they're not there. Don't think taking breaks fixes things. That's a breakdown in communication; and a strong indication neither of you understand each other enough to get along, even during disagreement.
The durability and strength of a relationship is measured by how well we endure the hard-times together. Knowing when to pullback together after conflict. How well we show patience and take responsibility for our own faults and actions. Not just how much we see that's wrong in our partners. They're putting up with us too! Nobody's perfect!
If you decide to try again, and it still doesn't work;, don't just concentrate on his faults. Introspect, and look at your own. Not to put yourself down; but to see what you overlooked that needs work. It takes two, sweetheart. Don't ignore red-flags, and think you're going to change or repair other people. Nine times out of ten, you've seen what's in them that will never work; but you wanted them so badly you ignored it.
Dumbness is repeating mistakes and expecting a different outcome. Letting the hurt make you paranoid or anxious. Refusing to learn from mistakes is likely to become insecurity. Insecurities used to punish the next person who comes into your life. Turning into drama and baggage, instead of wisdom. So don't put yourself down, build yourself up. If nobody changes, and issues are not addressed and resolved; reconciliation is a waste of time.
You just want things to be lovely all the time; but both people have their faults. Those faults become matters that cause complications in your relationship. When you find you can never work things out with your partner, and they never seem to put forth equal effort to work things out. Let him go! Even if it hurts and you might be lonely for awhile. You need time to concentrate on growth and self-improvement. You have to be independent and self-reliant. Recharge and regenerate. Not always leaning on a man, and addicted to relationships that don't hold-up; because you haven't learned from previous mistakes. Always whining and relenting on how some man mistreated you. Well, good riddance! He's gone and took all his nonsense with him!
You'll heal, but allow yourself time. Don't dwell on how much he hurt you, focus on getting over him.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 September 2019):
 OP, you two broke up for a reason. The reason was (I presume) because things weren't working out.
Now he is talking to another woman (as SOON as he hangs up the phone with you). And claim they are talking as friends. WHY on Earth is he discussing your relationship with her and not you?
If she is such a good "friend" how come he hasn't introduced you?
STOP being naive and believe everything he says. The guy is smart enough to know how to make you DOUBT your gut-feelings.
When confronting what did he do? He basically ACCUSED you of cheating - though he framed it as a "dream". LIKE that makes it ALL OK for him to be talking to another woman for hours.
Come on OK, let him go, he isn't going to be the guy you WANT him to be or "think" he can be.
Find someone who can be honest and mature about life and relationships. This guy? Isn't it.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (21 September 2019):
 Stop wasting your time, he’s an ex for a reason.
You’ve caught him red handed and he’s making excuses. Find a NEW partner that things could actually work with. You’ve already broke up with this other dude so there is a HUGE reason why you don’t work together.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 September 2019):
 Cheaters will usually accuse others of cheating because they judge others by their own standards. One of the first alarm bells that someone is cheating can be that they start irrationally accusing their partner of cheating (even if it is in a roundabout way, like saying they had a dream).
I don't know why you and your boyfriend split up the first time round but have those issues been resolved? If not, you are just replaying the same car crash until the inevitable end by getting back together.
He is emotionally invested in this other lady, not in YOU. Whether he is cheating PHYSICALLY is irrelevant if he is taking energy, time and effort away from the relationship he SHOULD be concentrating on. And what the hell is he doing "venting" about your relationship? If he needs to discuss issues/problems, he should be doing that to you. I would bet a dime to a dollar that he is giving her the whole "she's bad and I am good" spiel so that, when he inevitably dumps you, he can move straight on to her instead of risking being on his own.
Sweetheart, you KNOW you are worth better than this. Leave him to "vent" and find someone who puts his efforts into YOUR relationship instead of lining up his next one.
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