A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Help! I feel smothered, sad, upset, just so angry at some points! I'm an 18 year old college student still living with my parents,I work minimum wage jobs, but I always do my best to get better jobs! I have a boyfriend and we've been together for 2 years, but he's not theone smothering me, my parents are. I was raised to respect their ideas and opinions, I'm in their home, so why wouldn't I. Lately I've been feeling smothered so much so and trapped. I feel like a child, and I don't know where to turn. I can't see my boyfriend anymore, so Ihave to sneek around, I can't see my friends unless my pants knows where I am, and unless their parents are there. It's a big strain on all my relationships, my boyfriend used to hate it especially, I'd have curfews, constant calls, unexpected arrivals of my parents, not only that but even when we did go on dates at the last second I wasn't allowed to. So you can just imagine the frustration of my boyfriend, and he's always been understating, except for now since I'm not allowed to see him. My friends hardly ever ask me to hang out because they know, and it sucks I just begin to alienate myself and only see my boyfriend. When I'm with him I feel free, because it's my decision, if I want to fly a kite, he'll let me, if I want to eat dirty he'll laugh and let me, you get the picture. But with my parents it's do this, your can't do that, you have to do this because you're in my house. I seriously am starting to have no friends, and my parents want that, only my sister's can be my friends. I love them all, I knew their good intentions but good fucking Lord, please just help me! There's no discussion about what to do , so far my only option is moving but I'm broke, I pay bills in my parents home cuz I live here, and I'm nit am ungrateful child. And moving in with my boyfriend is not an option either, he lives with his parents to posts bills to, and I don't want to be a burden on them. Even if I do move or leave without consent my pants will seriously come looking for me, this had happened before I tried going to the movies with some friends and my parents left work too look for me , they were already making a runways case for me. Trust me I know nothing but good intentions, but oh man is it hard, they don't know how to be nice and understanding, they're very traditional Hispanic, so to justify themselves they bring me down, they involve other family, they say the worst things they can about my friends and boyfriend. I just don't know how to do it anymore it's either their way or the highway, and I respect that. I just get really depressed I feel lonely and I can't even reach out to anyone without being talked down to by my parents. I seriously can't I feel frustrated and upset, at some points I feel so sad, can someone just please give me advice help something? Anything really?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): Well looks like your only options are: deal with it, or cut them off. As an adult you can in fact separate them from your bank account. If they react by putting you out, use the money to get your own place. Not possible? Well wait it out. Honestly it doesn't seem so bad. You've been fine for 18 years, just be patient 4 more till out of college. Trust, you aren't the only "adult" to be in this situation.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell to further explain my house holds they always talk down to me tell me I'm no good, I make stupid decisions. It used to be much worse, like I said my fault is traditional Hispanic, so it is infact okay to hurt their children, to a point where we've(the children) have been taken away. In referenceto my boyfriend and I saving and not paying, that's not an option, my parents have hoarded my checks, when they arrive in the mail, and I got my bank account under them(I got it when I was young, she I cannot remove them, they have to remove themselves) so they easily just take the money. I'd rather give it to them on my own free will rather then someone take it.
They don't like my boyfriend because he doesn't agree with my parents ideas he thinks it's okay for me to make my own choices, so they don't like him anymore.
And the girl talk thing.... that's not really something that happens in my family.. she makes it clear that we're not friends, we don't talk and I quote, so please excuse the racism, "only gringos do that". Trust me I've sat there and tried to tell her about my day, and ask her about hers if it's not criticism it becomes her yelling... so I don't try anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): I was in your situation, though of course not the exact details. Basically, when you are in college until you turn 24 you might as well be 14 as far as being a "kid" goes. My parents used the fact that I could not file my FAFSA as anything other than "dependent"(I can't get school aid without them signing off on their info) to make sure that I would do as they said, and that continued until I was a good 3 years older than you despite the fact that I was both out of their house and MARRIED. (Because I got married after the FAFSA annual cut-off date, I couldn't file as independent for another year)
As much as it sucks, there really is no way other than proving your family is "abusive" to become independent in the eyes of the education ppls, and from the looks of things, like my family your family isn't abusive, just smothering.
So, unless you can manage to get a better job and save up to move out, I think you're stuck being a kid and living with their rules for a while yet. The best option I think you have is to talk to your parents and hope they decide to be understanding.
Also, since both you and your boyfriend are paying bills at home, you guys could consider taking that money and paying bills at a shared apartment. Though I don't recommend this unless ur sure ur relationship is mature enough to handle it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): May I ask, 'why your parents are set against your bf.?' ,, I know what it is like to be young, and to have rules that we sometimes feel are against us not for us .. I am now 39 haha and raising two girls and one boy.. My girls are young under 6 but I worry that I will be demanding, as a parent you must parent .. Friendship comes later.. Your parents want the best for you as my mother did for me... I look back now and I wish I had listened to her more.. Not that I am unhappy with the life I have ... But I feel maybe I could still had this but lived a little, without rushing into a relationship so early on lol ..At your age, you should be able to sit with your parents and negotiate .. Life is like boxing clever, you want something sometimes you have to show you are grown up enough to get it.. Sometimes you give a little in return.. I want my children to be able to talk to me.. Compromise happens in every relationship, whether sisterhood, friendship, parents, relationship.. So start now..Ask mum to sit with you, just you and talk.. Girl to girl.. Do not dismiss any of her concerns... The talk is to open a Channel of communication for her to express her fears of what she may think could happen to you, for you to listen, listen and then express to her that you are growing up, you need to be more than her baby.. You want to expand a little ( that her values and showing you right from wrong will keep you in good stead) that you will come to her with anything and everything and share your life, but she has to trust you, she has to let you fly a little... And if you ever demean that trust then she has the right to bring you back and tighten the reins.. But you know you will not.. This situation will only revolve around open discussion .. Not heated just sorting out where you both are coming from, and agreeing in the middle.Be prepared to give something to get something.. . The giving I would say would be honest about what your up too, where your going, who with and what time you both agree ( your still 18) will be home by.. Take care and I hope you get to "fly" a little ....
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