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anonymous
writes: Hi this may seem strange. My girlfriend recently revealed to me that she has been with a large number of men and has had a large number of one night stands (between 20 and 30 of them - I didn't pry for too much info). I am having a truly hard time dealing with this. It's not that Im jealous it's more like Im envious. I feel like I am not her equal. I feel truly inferior somehow. I have never really had much luck with women and somehow this really brings boils up emotions in me. The way I see it I have two options, get on with the relationship, which I will find practically impossible, or end it and try to have some experiences like this on my own (which frankly I probably couldn't do judging by my past experience). How do I let this go? I feel like I should be a better man than this but I truly eats at me. All of my other guy friends have had one night stands. Most women I know do it too, like it was a sport. I have tried often and get shot down pretty harshly. It seems like once in 32 years on the planet someone would have taken me home even by accident. I honestly don't know what to do. Any help is welcome.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): Hiya guys, i've had a similar problem which is eating at me, but not exactly the same...
I started dating this girl only recently, and we have been together 4 months now even though ive known her for a long time
Anyway we started talking about people we had had sex with, and i found out that she had only slept with two guys, which was more than acceptable as i had only slept with 2 girls, bearing in mind we are both 16
This topic came up again as we were discussing contraception and when to finally have sex as we wanted it to be a special and intimate moment
But after talking more about our past I found out that she had slept with these 2 guys over 50 times between them! I was shocked (as i had slept with my previous girlfriends only twice a piece) and asked why and she gave me the excuse of "the intimacy made me feel wanted again" after she had broken up with her previous boyfriend
I was astounded and felt so insecure about who she really was after i thought i knew her so well because we spent all of our time together, and this has really put me off wanting to have sex with her altogether
I've always seen sex as the most intimate and beautiful thing you can share with someone you love, but her revealing this to me has given me the impression that she doesn't value sex in the same way I do, and considers it more of an object than anything else and how can I believe that she really wants it to be that intimate now I know she has never considered it before?
Plus I believe some of the significance will be lost when we finally have sex because she made sex previously common practice, and how will one time be at all significant out of 50?!?
I'm really stuck and although i love her dearly, I'm having trouble getting past how she values sex, and i'm really angry at her because she spent all last summer having sex with the second guy, (who was 18 i add when she was 15) almost twice a day because of the "breakup issues" and she actually said, and i quote, "we just used each other all last summer", and this hurt me because i just guess i thought she almost had more dignity than this, and all my previous views of her have been destroyed and i dont know who she is anymore...
Ive tried to get past it but it just makes me angry, she says she regrets what she did as she now feels used, but im pissed off that to be honest, she was such a slut last year as i thought she was better than that..
And after all this she then tries to say, "well if you had the chance you would have too", which infuriates me as she thinks she can justify it by trying to get me to admit it, that i would, which i might add i think is wrong...
She has also tried to compare what she has done, such as me having sex with a 17 year old girl last year who i loved no-end and had seen for 9 months, to her sex escapade with this 18 year old f*ck wit all last summer, and that just adds to pissing me off...
thanks for reading, and HELP ME PLEASE! =[
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): I am 29 years old, and to this day, I have never had a one-night-stand. I have come critically close at one point, but I didn't have any cash for the cab ride and by the time I got money out of the ATM, the girl sobered up and lost interest.
My girlfriend, however, has had several one-night-stands throughout her lifetime, and it is so INFURIATING to me that girls can have them any damn time they please, but us guys have to hunt and hunt for 'that' girl.
I feel like women have all this sexual power, especially hot women, and an attractive guy can't even come close to matching that ability himself. I have come to resent women for this and I am constantly improving my ability to seduce women quickly so that I can feel as sexually powerful as them. I've seduced 13 women so far and had my first threesome a few days ago, so I am starting to feel better but I still feel pain.
The worst situation for me was when my girlfriend and I started out in an open relationship by my decision, since I was in the process of improving my sexual attraction and finding more partners. Ultimately however, I ended up falling in love with her and started having her over to my house every day. We were together all the time and I rarely dated any other girl. And usually, the girls that I would date would just get ditched before I ever got to have sex with them, because I would've rather spent my time with my girlfriend. It got to the point that my girlfriend would literally sleep over every night at my house. It was like she had moved in with me, and I'm not joking when I say this ... I could've probably slept with 40 to 50 women by now if I weren't so involved with my girlfriend.
Then one day last summer, she had to fly off to Las Vegas, my favorite city of all time, for a trade show conference with her job. Up to that point, I had always wanted to show her around Las Vegas because she had never been there, but I wasn't able to go with her on this particular trip. I though, "No big deal, we'll go again and I'll show her everything. It'll be great!"
However, to my absolute devastation, she ended up having a one-night-stand with one of her coworkers there and she told me about it when she got back. She said that she didn't think I'd mind, and honestly, I didn't think I would've either. It's just that I REALLY wanted her to have sex with ME in Las Vegas and not her flabby coworker.
So yes, I was hurt, but more significantly, I was MAD, because for over two straight years I was cutting myself off from more sexual partners and one-night-stands for myself, since I was spending so much time with her. And what the hell does she do??
She goes off and parties it up in Vegas the last night she was there, and effortlessly gets the sexual experience that I've wanted so badly all my life.
It has been so infuriating, and I am so jealous of her. She's a very attractive girl and can basically have pretty much any guy she wants. A lot of folks on here probably would like to console me by saying that I should actually feel "good" and "fortunate" that she's chosen to be my girlfriend.
But the pain is so great that I'm on the verge of breaking up with her at any random moment now so that I can return to my pursuit of hundreds of one-night-stands, complete with photos of the acts that would be sent to her in many hateful emails in a form of sick punishment or retribution. You can probably tell that I'm not at a good point in my life right now.
But enough about me.
To answer your question and address your concerns, I would say that overall, my quest for sexual experiences has helped my self-esteem immeasurably, and I strongly suggest improving yourself to where YOU are highly attractive to women and are capable of having many sexual partners so that you could then feel that you are her sexual equal.
There are many products on the market that can give a man what he needs to become VERY attractive. Just Google 'Seduction Community', and you'll find what you need.
And as for all this talk and consolation that you're "special" because you're someone's boyfriend and that your girl "chose you" is just flat-out crap.
Make yourself feel better by constructively improving yourself and catch up to the sex life you've been missing out on.
I have, and it helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): i understand this feeling. first thing you have to understand isits far easier for women to have sex than men. the fact that she had so many one night stands is scary, though. I figure a woman with resonably normal psychology would have 10 to 15 lovers at most in a lifetime: Given a normal amount of experimentation before finding "the one". And this is a generous allowance....i think the best are the ones that have had 5 to 7 where the majority were relationships. They have experimented (a little) and usually dont sleep with someone unless theres a relationship there. The women with over 30 ex lovers have "issues". daddy issues, abbandonment issues, black hole issues, control over environment issues, attention getting issues....whatever. they tend to throw their body at their brain/heart problems; not good freind. this girl is potentially damaged good. unless she is at a mature age, like over 35, keep your self protected.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): This is not an easy thing to find out - but if you want to save your relationship you must get over it. People have one night stands mainly when they are not that happy - they are often drunken unhappy things - imagine if it was you - you'd been through a lot of bad times and then you met someone you really cared about and wanted to be with - your life changes - you regret bitterly what happened - but it is in the past and done. You have to move on from this - if it is going round and round in your head get counseling so you can start to free yourself from the thoughts which are plaguing you - and good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): Its a comfort to know there are others feeling the hurt that i feel. I fell in love at the age of 15 with a girl in canada over the internet. Im now 24, and this year we got together for real, and i emigrated to canada. My girlfriend loves me intensely and is my best friend. For years i wanted to be with her desperately, but couldnt. She finally came to england to visit me in september, and it was meant to be a magical time. On the second day, she revealed that last year she had a threesome. This killed the magic that had existed for nine years, and everything changed in my head. I was sick to my stomach that she'd done that with some guy, that someone out there had had that experience with the love of my life. Ive battled with it daily for three months now, and it has been tough. I want, so so dearly, to not think about it at all, to erase it from my mind. All i can say, is that doing so will make my life perfect, it will make my life complete. The love we share when this issues not in my mind is amazing and so fulfilling, and this is the thing to focus on. For you guys feeling the same, focus on the good feelings you get, and recognise how hard it becomes to feel happy if you let your mind stray. It hurts me very deeply, but i am determined to overcome this, as it does me no favours. I say to all of you guys, our girlfriends love us, and we need to be strong for ourselves so that we can be happy. I will get there, and all of you can too. The bigger man is the one that focuses on the here and now, thinks positive thoughts and appreciates people for who and what they are. Its tough to think this all day every day, and I feel anger and hurt when my mind strays. But i will get there, to happiness and peace of mind, and all of you can too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): Hey guys, here is the thing, so what if she has sleep with 1000 guys, what difference does it make now? if you are in love with the girl make the best out of it, think about it, what if it was you who slept with 1000 women, there is not heroes in this story, there is no shame, we are what we are and if she is with you its for a reason. Sex is not everything and it is important but as long as you can be able to please her she will be satisfied, nobody can tell you, you suck in bed cause everybody is different, i had an ex that was the quicky maniac, she wanted fast and often, and the girl after that made me take tantric yoga and the act lasted way too long, i had to called in sick few times cause i was freaking sore, but what i am trying to say is that i had to jump from one side to the other and had to adapt, the issue is within us and what we think of ourselves i went to therapy and that is why i realized that is a matter of understanding and be able to accept your self and believe of yourself as the hero of the story, man you are the best this time she is with you, may not be forever but right now live while you can and stop feeling sorry for yourself, you are crying for nothing, you are with her and you don't have to explain or justify her past to nobody, fuck it, be happy, stop whinning.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): You have had different experiences than her, or perhaps a slightly different value system. In the end you have to love your partner for who she is, and her history is just that. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): I'm 25 and my gf 24,I thought i was the only one who was been paranoid. I have been together with my gf for 3yrs now.The first time we had sex my gf disclosed to me that she had never had sex before. I was little dissappointed as I was in no hurry and was willing to wait. I knew my gf was a "wild child" in college and had speed dated a few guys. I recently discovered that all though I'm the only person she'd had sex with, she has had oral sex with 9-12(i didnt press for exact #) guys since high school, and I know about 4 of the guys. Since I found this out it has consumed my thoughts for almost 2wks. Besides this thing in her past, she is the perfect woman for me, I love her and she loves unconditionally and would do anything to make me happy. She told me how she regrets the past and how guys used,has tried to put the part of her life behind her and can never imagine, been with or making love to anyone else but. I want to propose to this girl, do I just try and get over this and take solice in the fact that at least she never had sex with these guys and move on or what?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2007): Believe me I've been there; this is an issue that doesn't go away. We started dating when she was 20 and I was 25; I'd had 2 long-term relationships prior to meeting her and really wanted to find a girlfriend to establish something permanent with. It must have taken us a few dates before we had sex - I realised that she wasn't a virgin and didn't mind if she'd had a few partners - but then when we got round to discussing the issue she assumed full bragging rights - the numbers began to add up, as on occasion she'd mention this threesome she'd had, or the bloke on the beach abroad, or this biker guy or, or ,or etc, etc, etc there were lots of them - I realised that the numbers were heading towards the 30s and possibly beyond. In the end I asked her to stop telling me; she just got angry - it was her body etc; it made me feel sick wanting to make love with someone who had been used by so many other men; I'd always believed that our sexuality is a precious thing - she couldn't see it that way - she said she liked giving men pleasure - she said she also wanted to see other men whilst seeing me, which was a total no, no as far as I was concerned. I felt the relationship was going nowhere as I just didn't trust her - the way she flirted around other men when she was with me. She was very attractive and personality-wise she had it in bundles, whereas I didn't - I'd had plenty of approaches from women, but I always found it difficult to believe they actually liked me, and was useless at reading the signs, hence was flattered when she gave me her initial attention. My mistake. I'm still with this person - she got pregnant after a few months (so say on the pill). If she hadn't got pregnant I'd have left - I had huge misgivings that I didn't act on. This has been a running sore in our relationship for years. I've tried to bury this, but it still rises to the surface. We don't have a sexual relationship anymore, in the end this scenario destroyed it. I'm still around as I want to be a good dad to my kid. My advice is there's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do - it's perfectly normal - just as for her, her behaviour is. But coping with it is something else. If you feel like this now then leave - I wish I had.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): Now bare in mind this response won't help everyone out, but maybe, hopefully some. It sucks when you get into a relationship with someone you jive with so well, you find sexy and can fantasize about when they're not around, then begin to find out more and more about their sexual past as time goes marching on. It's happened to me also, and having experienced it to the point of almost completely botching that relationship, I can masochistically revert back to it if I begin to dwell. It's helped me to think, or rather, put myself in their shoes a little bit, and think what if my upbringing, my peers, the decade, life in general sent me on that path with the opportunity to gloriously litter with the aftermath of sexual conquest. Maybe I'd have taken it, and then hook up with someone who has had less experience and constantly questions me of my sexual past, feels inferior, asks me, no, tells me that they feel like maybe they should go out and eff their brains out for a while, to catch up, to make themselves feel better, equal. I'd accept their reasons. But know I couldn't feel the same way about them ever again, much lest look at them.For your partner, It's how it happened. It's what happened in their lives. Now you should live yours, together, and make new experiences. If not, counseling would probably help, or maybe picking up that paint brush (whatever you used to do before all this dwelling was going on) you've left to dry and harden in an a can with several others all glued and cobwebbed together from neglect.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): I think the female responders are missing the point I am in a similar situation and I have a gf who is now comparing our relationship to that of the man who took her virginity at 12 years old. She constantly talks about how loving he is to his wife and how he doesn't lose his temper in arguments like i do. I know that I need to be more loving and control my temper (i dont hit her or anything but i say mean things sometimes), but it drives me crazy to be compared to her past sexual partners. I think all of us know in our heads that these feelings are not right and that is why we are writing here. We know that it is foolish to worry about these things but the problem is that we still do. The answer is not to just stop worring and forget about it becuase it is just not that easy. I don't know what the answer is but I think that it might be to just end the relationship. I think that it is something that is ingrained in your emotions and that no amount of raionalization will eliminate it. That is why it only feels worse when they say "you are the best of all of them" or "i waited with you because you are special". It just feels like they are being patronizing which does no good when you are already feeling inferior.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): hi, I've been dating my gf for 7 months now. here is my problem. I am 18 she is 19. we are both Athletes. She was the first girl i slept with. she slept with 2 guys before me and this is my issue, one of the guys is on my team. And seeing him everyday and seeing her knowing hes seen just as much of her as i have kills me. Also I want you to understand that we are truly in love with eachother. we live together now. and I have never felt like this about anyone. but theres always the thought in the back of my head that someone else has fucked the girl i love.....and it kills me. it makes me want to go out and sleep with someone else just so i feel the same as her..I don't know what to do? does anyone have any answers?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): Wow, I thought I was the only one with this issue. As I read all the responses it is funny to see that we as guys should feel great about being "The Best!" and that they chose us to stay with! To say the truth, that does not matter to a guy, in fact hearing that does not help at all. I have been dealing with this for the last 3 years on and off, and she brought it up to start with. She would get drunk when we were first dating and tell me these stories like I would think they were cool or something. Well, it just about has destroyed our relationship. We saw a counselor, which did not help (for those of you looking for one, please, if it seems like its not going anywhere at all, then find another one, we went on for a while and pretty much got no where and spent alot of money doing it.)we talk about it, and she emotionally shuts down. My story by the way is that I have slept with 2 people which looking back I wish I would have slept around but was always afraid of finding the one and she thought I was a whore, she has slept with 10, and that might not sound like alot, but it is to me. I am 25 and she is 26. If anyone successfully got over this please let me know how? The best I can think of is to go out and have sex with any girl in sight willing.
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reader, FargoND  +, writes (25 June 2007):
Hey,
I have the same type of question but different. I am a little younger 20 to be exact and my girlfriend is 19. She has been in two relationships one with a guy she dated for 3 years, she told me she was going to be honest with me and told me before we even started dating that she has had sex with this first boyfriend many times and felt she was sexually abused because she didn't know what love was and thought that was the only way to get it. He didn't listen to her and ended up proposing to her at 17 where she drew the line and broke up with him. The second boyfriend she dated for 9 months and claimed she had sex with him as well but it was more intimate and only a couple times. I myself am a virgin I have lived by the catholic morals of staying a virgin. I am crazy about this girl and it just eats me up whenever I think about her and those guys especially when she talks about it I am a guy who listens to her and thats what she likes. She has went through a depression over the whole ordeal and I am very careful with her and try to do fun stuff with her other than sex like dates where we are outdoors having fun. I feel I need to move on for this but how do I accept the fact and stop it from bothering me. She tells me that I am so different from the others because I am much more closer to her personally and mentally but sometimes find it hard to believe she wasn't that close to the other guys as well and feel I am sometimes just another guy to her but want to be much more and treat her with respect and dignity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2007): I totally understand. I'm also in a similar siutation. My gf has a colorful past. My past is pretty boring, though I don't regret it. There is a lot more to life than getting laid. I like what someone wrote about his gf having one night stands, but making him wait. I've been told that one before. It doesn't make you feel very special. My all time favorite has to be where she says "you're the best one." She might as well say, "You numba one joe," cause being the best only means you're one of many.In my situation, she's had one night stands and flings. I wouldn't mind it so much its just that references to sex with other guys kind of keeps popping up now and then. I wonder if this is what other guys are experiencing. Its like she can't let go or wants to share her experiences with me or even confess her "sins???" I know women are very sensitive to this issue and become very angry because they see it as a double standard. But sex is NOT the same for both sexes. In nature, women don't fight for the right to mate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2007): Look my girlfriend slept with 4 guys- one was a kind of a friend and I’m the fifth. However, I liked her before, she ever had sex, when she was pure religious girl- no sex before marriage thing. till someone took her virginity. At that point women become obsessed with sex, and the person they slept with, makes them believe that is love. Sad. I am guy who has real standards, I’m not man who goes around sleeping with hoes because I want to fuck, and I can masturbate. I only sleep with woman I like to have something with. My girl wanted something like that at the beginning sadly, some woman fall and believe that only way someone cares for them is to by sleeping with them. The moment of gazing through each other’s eyes, is a glimpse of love- which most guy’s runaway from and which most women want to grasp. If they love you, then it doesn't if she's slept with quite large number of guys. To all the guys out there you go for the women you like, go for them and see where it takes you, cause love does over power hate, and the longer you stay together the past usually fades and at times you couldn't even careless. Some of you may look over these mistakes in 20 years time and regret the stupid things you've done- and may even laugh at it- or joke about how one of girlfriends sex mate had small dick or was so small it constantly popped out. Trust at the beginning it is a hard thing to take in but give it time and you'll be over it- especially if she's the right one. Give the girl a chance. Even guys do mistakes. I’ve had one nightstand and then I had my first girlfriend and that was because I was horny as fuck-, which I regret. I went out with girls from all ends of earth and no am better satisfying then one I have now. Just to finish off, what really counts in end, is that when your an old man, and your family entered the next world, you would wish that someone was alive to care about you. What really counts is the feeling and knowing some cares about you. You should obviously know if she is right for you, you just know take my advice- there as valid as many who have lived a quarter of a century- Enjoy the moment. And ‘Love is not about the finding the perfect, is about finding the imperfect and seeing them perfectly’
Peace out
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007): I'm going through the same thing now. I've never really had any luck with women. I didn't have sex until I was 23, after breaking up with my gf at the time I went almost 2 years before having sex again. I've only had five partners, of those five, one was a one night stand, one I had sex with after the first (and only) date, after a 3 year single period I met my current girlfriend. I've always felt insecure about my sex lift and sexual history, due to it's late start and long dry spells. I've always thought that I'd be able to "catch up" later in life, that was until I met my current girlfriend. Since I met her I knew that she was "the one", this of course throws my "catching up" plan out the window. We recently moved in together and as we got closer to our move in date I'd get more depressed knowing that I wouldn't be able to (in the master plan that I had in my head) get rid of my insecurities by having more partners. Compounding my insecurities were little comments here and there that my girlfriend made that made me think her number of partners was a lot higher than mine. Every once in a while it would hit me and I'd be depressed for a week or so, but it's been bugging me a lot lately and last night we talked about it. I didn't get a number out of her (I didn't ask, I'm not sure I want to know) but in an attempt to make me feel better she said that when she was in university she was "promiscuous" and she did it to feel better about herself but in the end she felt worse, that it was quality, not quantity that will make me happy. This comment was meant to make me feel better, but in fact felt like a sucker punch to the gut, I went to sleep with visions of a line of guys having sex with my girlfriend. And then today while at work I couldn't concentrate on my job, I had the same thoughts over and over again. I can't break up with her because I love her too much. Yet I have enough trouble dealing with my own sexual insecurities as it is, and to have this added to the mix I'm afraid I'll do something stupid like cheat on her. I have an appointment next week with a counselor, hopefully they can help me with this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2007): My god, I'm having exactly, virtually word for word, the same experience as you. I feel exactly the same emotions and it's giving me anxiety. On the one hand I really care about this girl, but I found out that she had been with about 20 men recently by catching anomolies in some of the things she was telling me. It really devasted me. I am a 33 year old man. I'm told regularly by women that I'm attractive, but nobody has ever wanted a one-night-stand with me either, and I've only had 5 partners.
When I found out that she had been with about 20 men I felt like I had to go have the experience of a one-night-stand if only to prove to myself that women find me SEXUALLY attractive and not just a good "marriage" or "long-term" material guy. I know it sounds shallow, but I have a pit in my stomach from this that I can't shake.
I've scheduled an appointment with a counselor to try to deal with these feelings. If anyone out there has successfully dealt with this, especially the fellow who wrote the original post, please let us know how you were able to get past it.
Why does it hurt me so much what my girl, a girl whom I feel like I have had the best connection with out of all the other women in my life, including another woman whom I spent 5 years of my life with, has had sex with so many men, I'm sure some of which were one night stands?
Even before I found out about it, our sex life was really good. She told me repeatedly that I am the best she's ever had, BEFORE I even knew about the number. Our sex is amazing for both of us, and we have plenty of it, but I'm withering away inside knowing that she has had so many partners, and I'm wondering if she may be pretending somehow because now she wants to settle down after having had her fun. I resent that I haven't had the same and I feel like I need to land at least one one-night-stand to at least feel like I can.
I feel like crap because of all of this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2007): I have had a similar experience. My ex girl friend has had one night stands, and I simply could not get over the fact that she had no control and let these strangers have sex with her the first time she met them, but "held out" for me. I felt like the loser chump who had to convince her while others were the wild passion guys. It was a HUGE bruse to my ego and one I could not get over. My advice is ask yourself honestly can I get over this? If you can then hang in there, If not be honest and move on to a relationship that feels more right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2007): Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. basically, sex doenst mean anything unless there's love. its as simple as that. all those one nite stands dont mean nething to her now. you are what matters! think about it, out of all those guys she sees you as the best. THE BEST!! Would she stay with you otherwise? why would she settle? Drunk sex can be fun but at the end of the day that's all it is, nothing more. think about it this way, how many other girls have you kissed, held hands with, laughed with, gone to the cinema with etc etc? Do you think about THEM when you do those things with your gf? Ill bet you only think of her! Accept that she's the same. And all the one niters in the world are no match for someone who truly loves you! believe me. And if it's you performance that you are worried about then try different things, ask her what she likes. She won't be offended if you sincerely want to make her feel good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2005): Well my GF had many partners. lots in fact. She did not reveal this at first and made me feel very special that I was only one of 6. We are in our early fiftes by the way. Because a relationship is based on trust this was an important issue to me. It was not long though before the odd mistake would slip during conversation. I buried these slips away because we got on so well. Had both our homes for sale to buy one together. Eventually the truth surfaced and I found out that she had been with lots and lots of men.
As the relationship had started on the basis of me believing I was so special in that way it destroyed our relationship. I am so gutted and she has told me she feels worthless. I think that was why she had so many men. So I think that there has to be some element of truth so at the beginning so that each party can decide if they are suited. The truth will come out in the end.
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reader, pops +, writes (29 June 2005):
Talk to your gf. You seem to be totally concerned with your own competence as a lover. The fact that she hasn't treated you as a one night stand tells me she thinks better of you. But ASK HER! I don't do one night stands, because I found them very unsatisfying to me. I lived with a woman, sharing an apartment, who dated a new guy every couple of days, and either told me about them, or brought them home after the bars closed to sleep with them. I finally got her to talk to me about this, and she admitted she had never had an orgasm before, with her ex-husband, live in boyfriend, or the many men she dated. I gave her some books to read on the subject, and encouraged her to learn about herself through masturbation. She did, and finally married a wonderful man and had a baby girl the last time I saw her.
I can't possibly speculate on the motives your GF had for all those one nite stands, so Ask her. Tell her you would like to know if you are pleasuring her well. If there is something that one of her past lovers did that pleasured her, please tell you about it. You don't need to know his name, how many times they made love, etc. You just need to know how to be the best lover for her. Most women are overwhelmed by such caring on the part of their male lovers, and will open up to you. Don't keep count on her prior loves. Forget them. She's with you, after all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2005): What I don't understand is...why on earth would she reveal this information to you? Discussions about past relationships or sexual experiences can affect a couples' relationship. Partners often feel insecure and a loss of control when such subjects are discussed. I could understand her telling you...if there was a health risk to your relationship...and even then, the embellished sexual details are not necessary. Self-disclosing other types of personal information can help in building healthy relationships but to reveal details of past sexual conquests is something better left unsaid. But to tell you, just because she felt like it was inappropriate. You are building a relationship built on trust and loyalty. Not a good way to begin a mature, solid relationship with anyone.
Sounds like the girl has a colorful past and that's where it should remain ...in the past. In order for both of you to begin a nice, loving relationship..she and you need to look to the future. The sad thing is, now that you know her past..will you keep "comparing yourself" to her past lovers? Don't do that to yourself. Just be true to yourself and be who you really are. Every individual is different and brings wonderful new joys and experiences into a new relationship. No two relationships are alike.
If you can't get past these latest revelations she revealed to you...sit down with her and tell how this made you feel. Maybe you just need to hear some assurances from her but most of all...you need to believe in yourself and not base a good relationship on great sex. There is so much more involved..like trust, emotional bonding and caring. And that is what a good relationship is based upon...open communication, honesty, respect and love. Talk to her..and be open with your feelings. Good luck
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (29 June 2005):
 20 or 30 one night stands?! Crikey! Thats quite a lot but that could be my personal opinion creeping in, I've never had a one night stand in my life and wouldn't want one.
Everyone is different, some people think of sex as a sport but this isn't necessarily anything to be proud of and such people are often unable to settle down into a committed and loving relationship. Is that something to be envious of?
Other people value sex more and as well as seeing the fun side of it, like to consider it as a means of displaying their love for another person. I think these are the people to be envious of if you need to be.
This is what I would suggest you work on with your girlfriend. Show her that sex can mean so much more than a quick and abandoned screw with someone she doesn't know too well.
Don't feel envious of her, it is a waste of an emotion. Haven't you considered the fact that the reason why no one has just taken you home for a one night stand maybe because they recognise you are worth so much more; perhaps you are too emotional to withstand the complicated feelings that can arise from a one night stand.
You wouldn't be a better man if you had had one night stands, nor more of a man. May I say that if anything you are a better man than your mates because you haven't used a woman simply for her body; that is pretty shallow. I think you want more and that is what you have now.
Let go of your thoughts in connection to getting plenty of one night stands under your belt and concentrate instead in making your relationship work. Ask your girlfriend what she feels for you and let the past go. Work towards securing a future together with plenty of satisfying and loving sex!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2005): You have 2 choices; the first is to tell your girlfriend things arent working out, the second is to put your girlfriends past behind you and try to forget about it. Did she bring up trhe conversation about past lovers or did you ask? If she brought it up, i know how you feel as my boyfriend used to do the same all the time until i told him how much it upset me. if you asked her, you should have been prepared for her answer.Please dont go out and try to take 'revenge' as your girlfriends activities are in the past and no amount of oine night stands compare to the satisfaction of a loving long term relationship.
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