A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:On the 1st November 2013, I began a sexual relationship with my best friend (male). I had quite deeply loved him before that, but didn't want to sabotage our great friendship. He has always been a wonderful friend, always there for me, caring, willing to give up time and put in effort. Slowly we grew from friends with benefits into a strong relationship, and he's actually moving in in August. It hasn't been smooth sailing, and we've fought a lot, but we both love each other and are open about our attachment. However, I CANNOT get over one thing. In December, I found messages he had sent to a friend about still being in love with another girl (ironically I tried to help with his crush on her in the years before) here's a summary: he has been interested in her up till this point for 4 years, he started liking her at 14, and since then she has always been on his mind. he was never in a relationship with her, but they did talk in school and online. I will not lie, reading these messages were heart crushing,but I carried on with him. Because of this, the other girl is literally ALWAYS on my mind. before I go to sleep, when I wake up, I am always comparing myself to her. she has brunette hair and blue eyes, very cute, and I'm blonde with green. I hate the way I am because I just think of myself next to her. I have addressed this with him, and he said 'I'm happier than I've ever been with you' and ' I love you most in the world, please don't dwell on it' and he sincerely tries to convey the fact that he has had a change of heart.....but I still just cant get it out of my head!! it drives me mad. I'm sorry if I'm going on, but my relationship with him is one that I just cannot stop, we are too attached, we've been friends since childhood, but he loved her for FOUR years. and I have deluded myself into being this generic, blonde, unexceptional person. I hate how much this has effected me. Am I overreacting or not? Has anybody else experienced this feeling of being second-best?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): It's WAY too early to move in! Besides, if you didn't want to sabotage your friendship, I'm afraid you shouldn't have began a sexual relationship with him - especially when you already wanted more anyway.
He shouldn't be moving in, in my opinion (same I'd say to others) until you've had at least a strong year with minimal arguments. Disagreements, sure, but arguments? They shouldn't be common.
You may need counselling so you don't compare yourself to others this easily.
You don't have to stop the relationship, but moving in together in August will be about a year too soon.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (29 May 2014):
 I agree with WiseOwlE. Do NOT move in.
You've been officially together as a couple for a very short time and while you describe it as a "strong relationship," you also say you "fight a lot" and that it isn't "smooth sailing."
You are in what should be the honeymoon phase and here you are fighting a lot and you obsessing over his relationship with his ex.
If you are experiencing obsessive thoughts and compare yourself to his ex then you are not ready for a live-in relationship with a guy you don't actually trust.
This has disaster written all over it.
Do NOT move in with him and DO speak with your doctor about your obsessive thinking patterns and find some qualified mental health help for this. Nothing about your post sounds like a healthy and viable relationship. Your post sounds like a cry for help, so go get that help you need.
Good luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2014): I think until you should get your feelings better situated about his interests in another girl.
Delay moving him in!!!
You have to be sure that your relationship is rock-solid before moving a guy in. You also need to be sure that you've completely resolved those issues you've been fighting about. Don't just sweep them under the rug. Clear them up; so they will never come-up as an issue again.
It's not a good sign for a guy to be texting other females that he has feelings for. Especially when he presently has a you as his girl; and you're trying to form a commitment between you. You should be concerned! Be sure he is over her, before you move him in; only to kick him out!
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