A
male
age
36-40,
*ay12toes
writes:ok well im not sure why im writeing this because i dont really think anyone can help, mabey im just looking for someone to talk to me about it. i asked my girlfriend to marry me back in december and she said yes so now were engaged. well you see the problem is that shes not ready to get married yet. the thought totaly freaks her out. she has seen many divorces in her family, as a matter of fact i think the only one in her family that hasnt been divorced is her grandparents. well i come from a family where only 2 of my aunts have been divorced. so a good majority of relationships work out on my side but none on hers. also she feels like were too young btu that doesnt bother me because the things i want out of life our a good wife, which doesnt mean a stay at home mom, it just means a women who loves me and her family, and i want kids. but she wants things like a good education and a good job and finacial stability. also she is afraid about finances, how can we afford the wedding? how can we afford the honey moon? how can we survive on just our minimum wage jobs? now i believe that all her fears make sence but after almost 5 years im getting a little tired of waiting. i told her i want to get married in a little more then a year but im afried that she still wont be ready by then. i would feel better about the whole thing if i felt like she was trying to get ready but even when i asked her to set a date just as a small step forward she refused. if shes still not ready i plan on still waiting but... i really wish she felt the way i did about it. besides there are many good reasons why we should get married soon. like we could see eachother more, she wouldnt have to live with her horrible sister, and i could finaly lose my verginity.... i know that last ones not the best reason, but she would get to lose hers too lol. oh and just so everyone knows, i have talked to her about how i feel.
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male
reader, jay12toes +, writes (15 June 2008):
jay12toes is verified as being by the original poster of the question (talking calmly and pleasently)well rhythmandblues2 i did state that i think her fears make sence, i dont blame her for feeling the way she feels and she dousnt blame me for feeling the way i feel. my fience would agree with you more, while i would agree with ilovegreen more because i do feel like if we both love eachother we should just get married. also i did say that i know loseing my virginity isnt the best reason to get married, it was kinda a joke lol. (voice turned seriouse but not angry) but as for what you said about that we dont have to wait till were married, well thats not true. we decided we both wanted to wait and after almost 5 years, haveing sex befor getting married would seem like giving up when weve almost finished the race. so its really important to us. (back to pleasent and calm) iv learned from my parents that you dont have to be rich to be happy so im ok with my job, as a matter of fact i kinda like my job. but i know that she has better things ahead of her, i know that she will end up makeing more money then me and im ok with that... so i guess i should try and be ok with waiting until she has found a career. but its just hard to keep waiting after so long. well anyways i thank you both for responding.(smiles polietly and walks away)
A
female
reader, ilovegreen +, writes (14 June 2008):
I have the same problem with my bf! I know exactly how you feel!! We have been together for over 3 1/2 years and the only thing I can tell you to tell your gf is that if she loves you and wants to spend the rest of her life with you (and the feeling is mutual) then why not get married? Plus, two incomes are better than one when it comes to a house or apartment :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): Ok, first off I want to say you seem like a very nice young man and it is great to see how devoted you are to your girlfriend.
That said you are not going to like what I have to say about your getting married.
I totally agree with your girlfriend, I don't think the major reasons holding her back are the divorces in her family, but what causes divorce and one of the biggest reasons is fights over money.
She has some very real concerns...you are not going to make it on your two minimum wage jobs, it is especially going to be difficult when the baby comes to afford diapers, formula and child care and it won't make economical sense for your wife to work at a minimum wage job to afford the aforementioned, so can you pay for everything to support both her and a child? Right now she lives with her horrible sister who is helping to put a roof over her head.
Losing your viginities is not a good reason to get married, if you want to have sex, then get on birth control pill, learn to use birth control and have sex if you really love each other, you don't have to be married to have sex, I mean it is great that you want to wait, but you don't have to do that and may not want to do that if you decide to wait to marry.
She is absolutely right to want to further her education before settling down to a life of minimum wage jobs, this will open a whole lot of doors for her to be able to earn more and support herself, and you might want to think about furthering your education as well. If you really love each other, you can wait as long as it takes to get your degrees or further your education and learn a skill so that you have a career not just a job. You both will be happier, less stressed by money worrys and your child will benefit from a happy home life and stable family.
Don't rush into marriage just because you want to have kids....you are very young and have many years to wait before you need to worry about starting a family.
Take care, talk it out, set some goals and then make them happen for yourselves, put marriage on the backburner until you can see your way to a better way of life than making minimum wage.
You can do it, you owe it to yourself to do the work, get the skills to make an independent life. Don't expect the government to help support you.
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