A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a bit of a pickle if you would call it. My boyfriend looks at a lot of porn and his nieghbours and roommate all look at it as well. In general, I've never had an issue with it and it was never a big deal until I realized that he does it excessively and it bothers me. What even bothers me more was when i confronted him for the first time about it, he always told me lies which made me really really upset, and perhaps a reason not to trust him. This happened maybe 2/3 months ago. Now, we have a great sex life and he says that he just looks at it because it's interesting and something to do. He says that the girls don't mean anything to him and that it's just the fact that they have big boobs. In a way, maybe i feel threatened because i am a rather small chested girl, but i don't think that that is really the issue here. I think it's the general fact that he likes looking at other girls and not me. I see his history on websites and there are so many and seemingly so frequent too. I've tried dressing up for him and at the time, he seems to love it. He's taken pictures of me while in them but i don't think he gives them a second glance after that. We've made videos. I was a bit hesitant, but i did it for him because I want to make him happy. I don't really see him look at the pictures or the videos but he always seems to return to the same websites and many new ones without a blink of the eye. I think that the fact that he's lied to me about it a lot makes me not able to trust him and brings up the question, what else has he not told me about. I love him very much and I know he feels the same way. I also know that "it's a boy thing" but i'm so tired of feeling miserable because of a stupid traditional phrase that makes everything reasonable for them to do. Maybe I am just feeling this way because I know that I would give anything at all up for him, but I don't think it's the same way. I've tried everything possible I can think of. I have tried reasoning with him. (Asking him to cut down on it) but that was lied to me about. I have tried asking him not to do it (bad mistake as he did it more). I want him to be happy, but I feel like in order for that to be, he needs these big boobed slags dancing around for him on the computer screen and it really makes me sick to my stomach. I'm so tired of feeling miserable everyday and thinking about it. I know that most chances he gets, he looks at it, and I know that he has stuff sent to his email. I'm literally lost and don't know what to do. I feel like he is pushing me away and that one day I will get so fed up with feeling sad all the time and just leave. I don't want that. I have a great time with him otherwise and when we are out doing stuff, i feel great. But then, in the end, I think to myself-- why does he need this and why can't we compromise on something. He is so reluctant to do so. I understand that i can't ask him to give it up, that maybe isn't fair. But I feel like coming to an equal line is. At this point, I don't even know i could trust him if he said he would.what do i do???
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female
reader, downie  +, writes (23 June 2009):
Hi. This will be quite long but I hope it helps. I'm writing from personal experience.
When I found out that my boyfriend had been watching porn, I was quite upset. In the back of my head, I knew it really had nothing to do with the way I looked but the action made me feel otherwise. I really felt inadequate. If I really was good enough, why are other women needed? Why would he need to look for another? There was no question about it, I was cheated on even though my boyfriend didn't agree with me about that at first. Trying to find another naked woman on the internet is no better than in real life although other people might insist otherwise.
I would say that men are just ignorant. Well, not all men. The smart ones usually realize eventually how ignorant they were. I hope that your boyfriend is a smart one or at least a very self-aware one to realize his ignorance. A lot of men grew up in a modern culture that teaches that porn is "harmless and normal" habit. It's harmless and normal if you're a single man and you need a visual aid. I was completely cool and understanding about porn when my boyfriend and I were just friends. However, once in a monogamous relationship, that exclusivity deserves to be respected and the idea behind porn, which is to look for another naked woman, breaks that exclusivity. This is an argument that isn't taught at all by the culture they grew up in. That culture doesn't make what he did okay but it does explain why he's so reluctant to give up porn for you.
My boyfriend and I fought (because I nagged) and talked about porn for about 1.5 months. He finally sees why watching porn in a relationship is wrong and how it's an overlooked form of cheating. Your boyfriend is probably ignorant (seriously, I say that word in the least bitter way possible) the way other oblivious porn watchers are. Don't nag to him the way I did but do whatever you can, within reason, to help him understand and reciprocate that understanding. Please keep in mind that his watching porn is also a very well developed habit so be patient if it takes time for him to see that it's wrong. He probably grew up with the opposite idea just like many men. Best of luck to both of you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): Hey. Me again.I think the only thing you can do is admit to yourself that your boyfriend has an addiction and try to get him to admit it too. If he's not willing to admit it, then he is in denial, and he is no different from an alcoholic that is in denial (very hard to help). Ultimately, you just have to ask yourself how patient you are willing to be with him and how long you are willing to wait for him to take the first step towards overcoming his addiction. There are a lot of books out there about overcoming sexual addiction. If you'd like to read some professional advice on the topic, which has been helping me some, I suggest you take a look at www.sexualcontrol.com
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your responses. I am glad that you have taken time out of your days to help me with this problem. I am still in a bit of a rut. It is difficult to see either ways. You're right, he doesn't see anything wrong with doing this. He doesn't get that by looking at other women, is the same either way if he looks at them in real life or on a computer screen.
I feel insecure. I used to be so confident for the person I was, but i'm not so much like that any more. We have both given up a lot to be with each other. He has given up smoking, and I have given up hanging around with my friends as much as I used to (Not healthy I know). But I feel like I have adapted my life to fit his life and his schedule. (moving in with him, basing my decisions around him) and not because i HAVE to, but because I want to. (don't know how that came about). I don't want to be the one to suck up my feelings because he is being selfish. Am I wrong to ask for a compromise?
The thing is, he doesn't see it as wrong, but he knows it hurts me a lot. So should I just take it? or should i be questioning his commitment and moral ethics?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): I'm a 20-year-old college student, and I must say I have some similarities to your boyfriend. Since I was about 13, I've been looking at porn. The difference between me and your boyfriend, I think, is that he sees what we are doing as okay, and I don't.
The reason you feel threatened by the pornography is because everyone to some degree, but especially women, desire committed monogamous relationships, and he is violating that exclusivity. When your boyfriend looks at porn, he is not technically having sex with another woman, but he is thinking about it, and in so doing, he is tearing away at the close connection you are meant to have. You sound like a very patient person, but in my opinion, you are being overly accepting of what he is doing.
The reason why men do this is what makes it so hard for us to stop. Just like people can be addicted to alcohol, people can be addicted to porn, only porn is actually a more difficult addiction to break. Any time you deal with a porn addiction, you are not dealing with an addiction to nudity or even to sex; you are dealing with an addiction to control. I noticed in your question that he said one of the things he likes about porn is the "variety," but I can tell you from experience that this is code for control. Unlike real women, who have needs of their own and don't always do what we want, the women on the screen don't ask anything from us and will do almost anything. This type of non-relationship is a really easy way for us to gain sexual gratification, and we get addicted to how selfish we are able to be.
My advice to you is to tell your boyfriend that you feel the same way about him looking at these "random" images as you would about him looking at naked pictures of his next-door neighbor. The "random" girl is just as much of a person as his neighbor, and by looking at pictures of her, he is violating women just as badly as if he put a camera is his neighbor's bedroom window.
Best of luck. I hope you continue to fight for respect in everything you do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): Sigh... so many questions about this... and it's all so depressing! Why is something as void as porn such a threat to us? Why is such an empty, meaningless thing such a big deal for us? I'm in the same boat as you, especially because of the boobs thing. I'm rather small myself too, and find it very difficult to cope knowing he prefers big breasts and knowing that he looks at them from time to time, and he tells me it's no big deal and I should lighten up, but that if a remotely attractive, shirtless man is on TV he'll feel "inadequate" too, when I've never stated a preference for musuclar men or when I don't even get turned on visually... ah, the double standard... I resent that double standard, even if I don't have any urge to look at naked men or get turned on by that, I hate the fact that it's ok for him to watch porn but it's a big deal if I look at a half naked man...
Anyway, guys always say "It's no big deal, it's a guy thing, it's nothing, yes, they're HOT and their boobs are HOT, but I love you above all, it's just fantasy, it's only for the sake of variety, I don't love them, etc..." And I know it sucks. I know it doesn't ease any of the discomfort or the insecurity. But I guess they have a point. It may suck, but it IS their nature... it IS our nature as women to compare ourselves and feel jealous, and to an extent, be a bit possessive... but I guess this is just one of those things in which we have to suck it up and try not to think about it. That we just have to let go and trust blindly that it is nothing and that we must be better than those slags in one way or another... maybe not physically, but maybe mentally, we're beyond their level, or who knows...
We just need to suck it up and let go... they will never change. So we might as well be the ones to do so. We can't win every battle, you know...
(I'm posting this strictly from the point of view of a woman who dislikes porn. I think the OP shares this point of view. However, I'm not speaking on behalf of all women. Some women love porn, and they're ok with their partners watching it, which is fine. This is just a clarification that I'm not generalizing here.)
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