A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months, we get on very well and I can see a future. The problem is that he is acting very needy and clingy and I feel under a lot of pressure to say I love you to him. He says it to me, but I dont want to say it for the sake of it, just to keep him happy if I dont really mean it YET. I was dumped a year ago by the love of my life and am scared of getting hurt again so I dont want to launch into anything serious until I am ready.What can I do when my boyfriend is so in love with me and gets upset when I cant say I love him?He said he wants 100% from me or nothing. HELP!It is decision time but I dont want to lose him.
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male
reader, SacredDagger  +, writes (30 January 2009):
Sounds to me like you haven't gotten over your previous relationship because you still describe him as "the love your life". Maybe you need admit this to yourself and your present boyfriend. There may still be some hope for your present relationship but sounds like you need a bit of room to heal from your last relationship. Relationships can take a long time to get over, especially if it was someone we considered the love of our life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): I think that maybe you are not over your ex enough or atleast the heartbreak of it to be fully committed to this relationship, and I think he probably knows this which is what is making him feel so needy.
I have just got out of a relationship where i was the needy/clingy one but what made me like that was that deep down I knew my exes heart wasn't in it. He broke up of a three year relationship a month or so before getting with me and throughout our year together constantly said that he didn't know what he wanted. After 8 months when he hadn't said he loved me even though i loved him like mad. I got upset and think i forced him into saying it back to me. It didn't make me feel any better because again, if you do this he will probably know in his heart that you are lying! I think that love is pretty much there early on, and maybe you would have had the potential to love him by now if you hadn't been hurt.
My ex eventually told me he felt something was missing-something he had had with his ex, and it tore my heart out. He said he felt he couldn't give 100% and he didn't know why. He'd also told me previously in another conversation that he didn't wanna throw the words around because he'd had his heart broken by his ex. He kept telling me to wait and wait as you have done but being told to wait and hold back when you love someone so much and you are emotionally ready to receive that love back hurts a lot and whilst he is probably trying, it is very difficult to do.
I am not criticising you but no matter how much you do get along with this guy i think you need to ask yourself whether you are over your ex and ready for a serious relationship. It is not fair to hold onto him just because you are scared of losing him. I doubt you are doing it consciously but could you just be leaning on him until you get a bit stronger and are ready to love again? His heart will get broken and i tend to agree with him that he deserves to receive 100%.
I think with me, as maybe with him, it isn't really about the love thing, are you giving as much in other ways as he is? I found with my ex that i gave more of my time, made more sacrifices, was more open and trustworthy, made more effort for us to see and do nice things together, did more thoughtful things for him and he did none of this for me. It is often these signs that give us away. If he had done more of these things i don't think that i would have had much issue with the "love" thing as i would have felt secure. Could this be what he means by giving 100%? If you don't feel inclined to do any of these things then maybe you should consider whether you should be in the relationship?
Hope this helps x
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (29 January 2009):
 It sounds to me like there are already strong feelings there for him, from you, else you wouldn't be worying yourself over the situation, but having an ultimatum like all or nothing at such an early stage in a relationship almost always pushes teh other person (yourself in this case) further away even when you might well have told him you loved him by now if that added pressure wasn't there. You need to talk to him about this, explain to him that you care about him very much and that you do have love for him but that saying "i love you" means a lot more to you than just three little words, it means "i'm commited to you, i've fallen for you, this is it, this is me giving myself to you" and that you're scared that as soon as you take that step, you might get hurt. He needs to know that your previous relationship broke your heart and that you're just taking your time to truly be with, and love, him and that when you say it, you'll mean it and that he has absolutely nothing to worry about. An ultimatum of all or nothing is not going to help the situation at all. He needs to know that too. Just relax, go out for a meal, have a cozy night in, don't think it over too much, see how you feel - perhaps you don't want to tell him you love him just yet because you simply aren't feeling it, and there is nothing wrong with that either, it is what it is. You can't make someone love you and you can't help who you do or don't love, but i will tell you this for nothing - the person whom i thought was the love of my life at the time broke my heart into a thousand teeny tiny fragments after years of us not being together, being through a lot, then getting together. I told him i loved him and he took a long while to say it back to me and i knew something was wrong then. I didn't really understand why at the time but his heart had been previously broken by the woman he thought was his everything and he just felt unable to give himself to me fully mentally even though physically we were all there, he just didn't feel the same way about me as i did him and in the end it didn't work out. It was after he broke MY heart that i realised why he couldnt give to me the way i wanted him to because in getting my heart broken i couldn't seem to give myself to anyone after him either. The dream had gone and i just didn't feel the same way with anyone else as i had with him and it then made me become that person that couldn't say i love you, exactly as he'd been with me. I took time out from relationships after that realising that i had to sort myself out before i could give myself to anyone else, but before i knew it, i'd met the most wonderful person - 3 days after meeting him i told him i loved him, i blurted it out like a lovesick teenager (im 29!) and he told me he loved me too, it was that easy, that simple, it was just there, the chemistry, everything i wanted in a person, and i wasn't even looking for it. The next day he asked me to marry him and i said yes! 4 months later we were married and we've been together now since 2006 and couldn't be happier. He reckons that if you love someone you love them right from the start, its just there, you can't get away from it, and perhaps he is right, but you need to spend some time with yourself and be honest with yourself and your feelings and see where you go from there. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope things work out for you whatever you decide to do. xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): well, I have been in this position before, but if you don't think your ready to say it back then don't say it darlin, but, are you sure he is not just using you for sex?you should try and say you love him too and see if it makes you feel better with your relationship, if it doesn't thrm maybe your not really ready for him yet x
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (29 January 2009):
Don't do it.
This situation is high pressure I agree. He's basically telling you that although you have explained about your ex and how you want to take things slowly, he doesn't care!
He's trying to force the issue to bring you closer as though it will make everything better. When actually the fact that he just can't be bothered to wait for you or your feelings will really just push you away.
If you say it before you are ready (and you don't sound ready, and it's not your fault) then you will feel TERRIBLE afterwards. You will know you have lied and that the entire relationship after that is based on a lie.
You have to tell him that you want to be with him and you really really like him but you were deeply involved with your ex, and if he wants you to feel the same way then he has to give you time.
If he can't be bothered and is looking for a nice simple girl t settle down with regardless of if it will work in the long term or not, then he should look elsewhere.
Good Luck!! xx
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