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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am really confused. I got together with my boyfriend after he had just seperated from his wife. It was a very difficult and nasty seperation.(and contiues to be a nightmare) We have been together for over 3 years now and although initially he made me feel so special as if i was the one he had been waiting for, i am beginning to distrust him. As the months have gone on their have been inconsistancies in what he tells me about his life before me, and although most of what he says is true there is so much that also doesn't add up. Infact there are lots of things emerging ie i know he has a debt which he has told me about but i know he has more debt that he is hiding. I am also helping him out financially and have myself got into debt over this. I have subtly tried to give him options to unburden himself but he continues to tell me all is ok. I am finding it difficult to explain all my concerns without it being an endless list but basically from all the inconsistancies i am now finding it hard to trust him and am beginning to feel like our relationship is based on lies from him and feel like i am being used because i don't think he could financially cope on his own. He also has very close relationships with other women and i have found myself checking his texts which i loath myself for ( i was never this snoopy before)once or twice finding dodgy texts not quite enough to prove anything but not quite innocent, but i am also aware you have to be careful with texts cause you never know what contexts they are meant in. Anyway deep down i am feeling like i know this relationship is not good for me because i have also been very upset and down which i have also never been before and i don't know if what i am feeling is real or i have been depressed and am projecting alot of this on him when maybe i am making it all worse in my head and constantly trying to catch him out, he is extremely loving and caring to me. I just dont know if what i am feeling it intuition or paranoia?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): I am tempted to say trust your intuition but I because I am in the same boat at the moment as you, and keep ignoring all my hunches etc then I am not a fine one to talk!. My boyfriend received texts from other female friends early on in our relationship and some of them were in appropriate - one in particular from a married woman who text him on a Sunday night saynig "Hi how are you? xx" Now - ok they could have been friends but when you are married and you haven't seen this friend for 5 years (apparently) I would say that is a pretty intimate text? Still like you say these kind of things are not quite enough to nail the issue and so excuses get made. You need a little more evidence on that front. I think the debt at this point is more worrying because if people are not up front about this kind of thing (which is big and has impact for the long term) they are not demonstrating a responsible attitude full stop. I think you need a cards on the table discussion with your man about this because where and when do you stop propping him up? You will eventually lose all respect for him if he cannot support even himself. He is not really providing a stable and secure 'nest' for your future. Possibly find out a little more about why he split with his wife? Was it over money? It is very hard with the to and fro of your man being so lovely and yet you feeling so low over these things but if you care enough for the relationship you will have it out with him - calm and collected - and say exactly what you are not happy about. You have come to a bit of a crossroads - as if to go forward you need things to be more solid. Otherwise..... things will go wrong very quickly. I have learnt to be really up front with my bloke. The dodgy texts seem to have stopped but I have to say I am always keeping a close eye on him. Not an easy situation is it.
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