A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I can't seem to know why, but I feel really insecure in my relationship. My past with boyfriends hasn't really done well for me as they have all ended pretty badly. I'm usually the one ending it because of the way I've been treated. It really sucks actually. At the moment, I'm in a pretty steady relationship. He treats me well, but he also has his faults. I keep looking at these and they seem to surpass all the good things. I know that's a bad thing. Recently, we had a huge argument about him watching porn and being on internet hook-up websites and I was really hurt by it-- to be honest, I still haven't gotten over it because I couldn't stop him from lying to me and trying to hide it, I almost left him. I have a hard time trusting him alone with his computer now, every time he is, my heart is pounding-- that is so ridiculous and I feel like a control freak. This isn't what I want. I want to talk about it but it's just the same conversation over and over again. There is no middle ground, I feel even though he says that he has cut down. I'm scared because every time, i feel like he is getting more and more frustrated with me and it causes him to back away and go against everything I say.We are both very stubborn.I have found myself to depend on him a lot. It is sad because a lot of my happiness revolves around him. I have other friends but he is my best. I need to find some ways to be more confident and stop being so dependent on him. I feel needy. I don't want to have to rely on someone else to make me happy.
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (5 August 2009):
 A needy person will usually overlook any negative behaviours because she really wants to have someone around. I don't think you are so needy as you think, because you say you are usually the one who put an end to your past relationships, and obviously you could go past your fear of being alone, at least for a while, until someone else would come up. Does his porn-watching affect the time you spend together, do you feel neglected? I also think you should ponder over is what you qualify as 'bad' in a relationship, that made you break up from your former lovers, and not set maybe too high expectations. Porn should not be an issue so long as he doesn't spend too much time on it, time that he steals from the relationship, for example cancelling a date with you just to sit home and watch more of it. If his desire for you is much the same, the attention, etc. I don't think this should be made into a major worry. But only you can know your limits...What can be an problem is his being on hook-up websites - if he does mean it and is not just curious about how these function. Do you think he would cheat on you with someone he meets online? I have a married male friend who set an account as a female and one as a male, just being curious which one would get him more dirty requests, nothing more. You must distinguish between fun and intent to cheat. For that you would have to know more of what's going on in his head but if you don't know how to talk to each other you'll likely get to the point where he begins to hide things from you. Of course, he could do it regardless of how you approach him. If he is set to cheat on you, he will, sooner or later. Consider setting reasonable rules in the relationship, and don't go on restricting more than you should as then you would become what you fear, a control freak, which will usually bring an opposite effect: that of your partner hiding from you. I must say again, you have a perfect valid point about the hook-up website, nobody would want their partner to set up dates behind their back and fool around, then bring home a nasty illness. You don't give details about the website chapter but if you know he went further than viewing, if you have reasons to be suspicious, this might turn into a mentally tiring situation for you, where you are always worrying what he does behind closed scenes, which isn't healthy for you, and maybe you should put a stop to it in this case.It's up to you to evaluate what kind of person you have been having as a boyfriend and to what extent you can trust him, if you can build a stronger bridge of trust between the two you, but set reasonable rules and expect alike progresses. Also, about you saying that you are needy, it's OK to need closeness and intimacy from the person you love, but you also have to see when they are not ready or available to give that to you, as they can't spend every free moment with you, and that you should understand and not let it concern you or burden you. Otherwise why do you say you rely too much on him? I think, rather than needy, you seem insecure and that is an unattractive trait, you need to recognise your worth and build a plan to increase your self-confidence, see online tips, etc. That you are both stubborn can be a problem. You have to know how to negociate, and about something that is reasonable and makes sense. Knowing how to communicate can be an art and can help a relationship slalom through some of the obstacles. Depends on whether you think this should be saved, put in balance his qualities and these flaws, watch, think, examine, see other similar situations, and make a decision and a plan to succeed... in this and any next relationship. All the best.
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