A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has just dumped me after several months of treating me like dirt on his shoe, this is only my own conclusion after a lot of talking to friends, until now I believed greatly the whole problems in the relationship, and the reason for the break up was me, and what he described me as.Needy, pathetic, ask how high when he said jump, was what words he ended the relationship on, I felt devastated as previous to this relationship a lot of my relationships have ended on similar notes, massively strong emotionally wise men or so i thought telling me I was a pathetic emotional wreck and a waste of time. I have gradually begun to believe this, and sometimes probably act that way. As a result I don't really have anyone I can call friends, Ive struggled my way through college, and am now in a degree course where I sit on my own and don't really socialise with people because I have lost all my confidence too after in the first term the people I thought were my friends became thoughtless and nasty.I have suffered with illness, and have undoubtably used this as a get out clause when I have felt so low I cant face things anymore. I have felt this low for now a few years. I attempted suicide just over a year ago, when an ex made me feel so belittled I felt like I couldn't cope anymore. I feel like a great strain on my family, and am finding it exceptionally hard just to get out of bed on a morning. I feel low, and hurt, and very very lonely. And I don't know what to do to get out this rut. I dont understand why this situation with boyfriends and friends keeps happening to me, Im very nice to people, I help, I support, and Im understanding, sometimes too understanding. but ultimately since I was reasonably young ive always ended up in the situaions where people turn against me and I end up devestated and alone.
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female
reader, DanielleLynn  +, writes (29 December 2008):
lead by example.
A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (8 January 2008):
 You are sounding better but go easy on yourself too. You will still have good days and bad days. Hang in there and keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (7 January 2008):
 good for you. i think keeping a journal is an excellent idea but dont just write in it when you're feeling down. write about the good, happy things too cos they're always fun to look back on and remember xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi.
I have taken some advice on the writing bit, I now have a journal on live journal that I use under a complete alias name (I have a nickname I use on many forums and public sites so if I used that someone could find out who I was). I have used it to just write down what i feel and not necessarily make sense of it. 1. to stop me when I get angry or upset being tempted to re-contact him again (this happened only an hour ago when I found a post on a public forum we both use saying how he was looking forward to go watch a load of women at a car show in a few days which I found highly insulting considering we have just split up). 2. for me to get my feelings out instead of dwelling on them ( which I do a lot and usually ends up in depressive type mode which is no goof for me).
3. As stated in the last post that if he does come back talking sweet, which I some how doubt is unlikely knowing the stubborness and arrogance of this man, I will have a consistant reminder of how bad I felt when he did this.
Thank you to everyone whos commented youve been of great support and help
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A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (6 January 2008):
 Hi again, you sound much better now, good to hear. It is good you stood up for yourself telling him that you didn’t appreciate the way he treated you. It feels much better when being able to do that and it will make the healing process much easier. Try keeping your decision not to talk to him again so you don’t risk falling back in a destructive relationship again. It could help to write down everything you feel now on a note so that if he contacts you again talking sweet, you can remind yourself what you need and what you don’t need. You don’t need anyone saying that you are worthless, saying that you are too needy or anything else that is bad.
Don’t stop being an open-hearted person, stay as you are, but try giving your heart out in smaller portions at a time. And never believe anyone that call you bad things, they are doing wrong.
Best wishes!
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A
female
reader, saucy sam +, writes (6 January 2008):
 aww sweetie i know this mighty sound harsh but at the end of the day he is not worth it, no man should ever hurt a woman, it's a sign of cowardness. you are much bertter than him and the reason why he's saying all this stuff to you is beacause deep down inseide is probably the way he thinks about himself, but there is no need to go and upset you just to make himself feel better. im sorry your in the predicament you are not having avery good social life can really take its toll, i know from experiance. but you are not alone in this world.dont let everything ur ex has said to you drag you down cuz sooner or later youll be wishing you hadnt of listened to the words he called you, put up with tehway he treated you and thinking to yourself why was i ever soft with him i should of ended the relationship when i had the chance. at the end of the day babe men will be men and no one canm change that. i suggest you forget him move on with uour life make new friends meet new people and enjoy your life sooner or later the right guy will com along for you and when he does you know how right it will be!! you ever need to talk or wanna ask me anything just give me a email i will be more than glad to offer my help and support best wishes babe and loadza luck xxxx :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): Hey honey. I am sorry you are going through this. I do believe that when you seem to be having problems with not just one boyfriend, but all of them, and not just one friend, but all your friends, then perhaps you are right that you may have a problem. Look, I have been called MANY names before. Everything from bitchface to psycho. Some of these criticisms I took to heart and made a constructive effort to change my ways. Why? Cause my gut told me that it was true. And some of these criticisms I paid absolutely no attention to because my gut told me the person was wrong and just being mean. So you can't just believe every bad thing anyone says to you. Because some people are right about you and some are wrong. So you have to be able to differentiate between criticism that is true and criticism that is simply false and just meant to hurt you. And you have to accept that not all criticism is bad. What is bad is the way that you are perceiving it and how you are handling it and so easily giving up. I feel lucky that I have been criticized as much as I have because it taught me alot about myself and about people and since I chose to accept the criticism and change, it made me a better person. But like everything in life you need a balance. You might need criticism but you also need love. I think you are having a tough time being loved because you are not handling the criticism the right way. STOP being so sensitive. You have to learn to either brush off the criticism cause the person who said it is a jerk anyway, or if you trust the person's opinion, then take the criticism and LEARN from it. Go to a coffee shop or a public place (that's what I do) and sit down and ponder what it is you are doing wrong. Why you are doing it. And think of ways that you can change so that you are not called this or that name. Maybe you will realise that the friends and boyfriends that you are choosing are just completely tactless and uncultivated. In that case you would know that you need to choose a different quality of friends and lovers. Or maybe you will realise that you are in fact doing something wrong. Maybe you are very needy. And its really irritating people. In that case you got to learn to respect people and love yourself enough so that you don't need anyone. RESPECT people. Respect their space. Just respect them and don't expect anything from anybody. That's the way to start. But sitting at home and feeling sorry for yourself?? That's such a cop out. Be strong. Strength is a quality that humans LOVE. Your friends will worship you for it. When you are strong people LOVE YOU. People don't love weak people. That's life. And when you act weak over and over again, it is tiring to deal with. When you sit at home and are all like " oh my life sucks. Oh I want to end it." That's weak. So GET UP and quit sulking. Have yourself a cup of coffee, hit the gym and when you get home take a bath and THINK about what you are doing wrong. And don't use the criticism as an excuse to sulk and be depressed. Use it to GROW and IMPROVE so that it NEVER happens again. People don't like weakness in others. Strength is all you need in life. Find the strength to atleast fight to be better and figure this out. Love yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi.
Thank you for all the comments, the things expressed about co-dependency make a lot of sense. I don't think I am as far gone as some of the people I have read about on websites as they sound almost like stalkers, but I do feel I have an issue with it and it's something I need to address.
I am greatful for the people who have commented that the way I am (being nice to people so on) isn't necessarily a bad thing, as previous to reading this I felt like I'd really gone wrong on that front cos I never seemed to hit it off with people as a result.
I was diagnosed with depression before and sent to counselling but found it very difficult to speak to them about any of it, I have also tried writing my thoughts in both diaries and blogs, but find that difficult also. I seem to be able to speak on here about it, usually when I have lost grip of every other form of coping mechanism.
As for the ex, I swallowed my tongue and told him I wasn't appriecative of what he said and felt he was wrong about me, and told him I didn't deserve his nasty treatment last night, after that I did the wise thing of blocking him off in every form of communication method I have with him, and leaving it be.
Thanks for all the comments.
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A
female
reader, bemused +, writes (6 January 2008):
Wise and solid advice from the other posters here. Sounds to me like you are introspective, sensitive and hard on yourself. People such as yourself are treasures in the world, there are not enough of them but as stated in another post here other people unfortunealty do not always appreciate. Again I agree with another post here that now may not be the time to find another relationship.
You need the time to reframe your world a bit.Perhaps in many areas of your life your talents and not being utilized or recognized and this contributes to low self esteem. I would think that you are carrying around your low self esteem and this is like cat nip to people who would bully or belittle you to bolster their own egos.
What matters to you? What are your talents? When you close your eyes and think what can you visualize that could bring you happiness. What you visualise might not be where you are now and you will take to take positive action, what step at a time to get there. I liked the journal idea.
I got a journal/ day planner for Christmas called the Sacred Journey. Daily Journal for your Soul. You can plan your days but it also is a huge help in keeping you on track with your goals. I have been using it for a couple of years and could not do without it. Just a small tip but one that has meant a lot to me. I would assume it is available in Britain.
Hope this helps a bit. Good luck hun
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A
female
reader, AJ jess ^..^ +, writes (6 January 2008):
 hunnie! you have to be brave and think what idiots men can be, maybe at the moment you should stay with your friends and family and help boost your confidence, perhaps go to new places to make new friends who will be able to life you up and make you smile, your life is precious and you are worth a lot more than other people think, i havnt had it all good and a couple of times have contemplated suicide but trust me its not the way out so smile =D and just stay out of the relationships for a while until you find someone who realy values you for who you are. good luck babe
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A
female
reader, Oblivia +, writes (6 January 2008):
Hi,
It is awful your boyfriends have said such terrible things to you, even if they thought so they shouldn’t have said this. No good man would treat you like that. You are not a pathetic wreck, you are a good, passionate person who wants to be loved by someone and that doesn’t make you less of a person. I think you have attracted the wrong kind of men, the kind that have spotted your low self-esteem and have taken advantage of your good heart. You also say you experience that new people you meet seem nice at first and later on start acting nasty, and this together with the men, makes me think that you may be a person that easily give your heart out and, at least before, easily trusted other people, am I wrong? If this is the case then you are not a needy and pathetic person, you are a warm person with a big, good heart. Unfortunately many people have a hard time dealing with open hearted people, and some even like to be nasty. This is not your fault, it is their doing, not yours. You have all the right to be you and you are a loveable and fantastic person the way you are, don’t let anybody make you feel anything else.
Baby Duck’s advice is really good and I haven’t much to add to that, start reading about this and keep a journal where you can put your thoughts in to be able to see more clearly on the situation. When a boyfriend make you feel the way you felt a year ago, remember that it is nothing wrong with you, it something wrong with him and you are lucky to be out of a relationship where you are being treated to feel belittled. Love is not about this, love is about feeling strong and happy. If you don’t feel this you are with the wrong guy, it is not you being wrong. I feel a little concerned also when you say you have a hard time getting out of bed. If this goes on for a long period of time you might have a depression and if you think you do, then your GP can be of good help and with less cost than private counseling. It is very hard to ask for professional help, I know, it is easy to feel ashamed and hard to explain exactly how bad you feel, so it can be good to bring notes like a diary or the words you have written here on dearcupid, so you don’t loose focus when asking for help. If you have a sister or brother that you trust you can also ask one of them to come with you and support you.
And never stop believing in your self-worth, in love and in people. There are many good people out there just waiting to get to know you. And you deserve to have all the best!
Big hugs to you, wish you all the best!
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (6 January 2008):
hey hun
first of all, i hate your ex boyfriend. and thank god he broke up with you because that relationship was not good for you and was not going to take you anywhere good or healthy. that was the best thing he ever did for you.
second, i agree with baby duck, i really think you have a co-dependent personality. its not necessarily a bad thing, in fact i have it myself. im really a lot like you. whatever other people think of me, i think of me. what other people say about me, i believe. its like i need someone to reassure me and tell me i'm worthy of loving or i just wont believe it. and i wanna be nice to everyone and do good things for everyone else so they'll like me. its a one way ticket to doormat land.
you need to make a change in your life. things wont get better without you taking actions to make it better. so starting today put on your favourite clothes,do your hair and makeup and really make an effort to be nice to yourself. it sounds shallow but if you look good you will feel good.
you sound like a really nice passionate girl and the world needs to see that. stay away from men for a while, you need to work on yourself and be your own best friend first. at college, try to find someone you think you would get on with and talk to them. its embarrassing for about 10 minutes but its one of the best ways to cure your loneliness. i was the same at university, cripplingly shy, barely saying a word and missing out on all the fun. til one day i'd had enough and literally just said hey to this girl and asked if she was going to the canteen, she said yeah and we just got talking and had lunch together. it was an embarrassing ten or fifteen minutes but it came down to that or spending the entire year sitting on my own. and nobody will object to someone being nice to them or taking an interest in them.
forget your exes. they are losers and hunny NO man is worth losing your life over. when you do get into a relationship again, run like marilyn manson is chasing you at the very first sign of someone mistreating you or putting you down.
i also really strongly recommend a book called the secret. you can get it at your local library or watch the dvd at www.thesecret.tv. do a google search on it and you will find forums full of people who watched/read this and it changed their entire lives and made them happy. it was recommended to me by a person on here when i was going through a tough time and it changed my life.
keep that chin up and gimme a pm if you want someone to keep you company while you're getting back on your feet.
Brooke
x
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (6 January 2008):
 You are suffering from low self esteemed and confidence.You are pessimistic and have a defeatist attitude.
You need to discard those negative feelings about yourself.If you are negative, you will attract the negative. You need to be positive to attract the positive. If you are happy, people around you will want to be near you.
Firstly, you need to think positive about yourself and do not be too critical about yourself.Everyone has their good and bad points. We accentuate what is good and discard the bad ones.Do not let those negative vibes affect your life. All negative things come from the devil. Ignore them .
Remember when you are all alone, You have Jesus and He will love you no matter what.
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