A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ive been trying to make my relationship work for many years and Im tired. I lack the motivation and positive outlook for our future anymore. I am not depressed but my partner has been for many years, up and down, but the last 3-4 years half been hard. We have a child together now and she is a great mum but I am unhappy with her as a partner. It feels like a roommate with no communication. A total rock.I have tried to communicate with her and discuss our issues and ways of moving forward many times. She says she will do something, then when the times comes doesnt follow through. Ive tried to motivate and encourage her to see a doctor, hang with friends more (she needs new friends), eat healthier and exercise. I try to joke around and be sarcastic but a lot of my jokes she either doesnt get or gets offended at often harmless jokes, even jokes at myself she takes offence to occasionally.I sorry if this turned into a rant but I am feeling lost and miserable with her. I dont know where to go from here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2020): I know my answer is quite lengthy; but also consider this.
Look back in retrospect, and assess your own behavior in introspect. Review how you have treated your partner over the years. What mistakes you have personally made, that directly contributed to problems in your relationship. Sometimes things you say and do take root. Those roots grow deep! Words said aloud cannot be yanked back once they're audible, and reach the ears of the receiver. Past-infidelities, rash decisions, and acts in poor-judgement; all can have a long-term impact and adverse-effect on the psychological-wellbeing of someone very close to us.
Arrogance, pride, and selfishness often numbs men to the sensitivities and pain of the women and children who love them unconditionally.
For some women, losing hope of ever having a real marriage and a traditional-family is very devastating. We all have a built-in intuition that sometimes manifests as suspicion; when we think our partner is unfaithful, or we find hidden-evidence. If you are too timid or passive to confront your partner; that hidden-discovery becomes internalized and toxic. Bullying and too much control over people will snuff-out the light in their spirit, and it is often why some women dive into depression. The same happens to men, when the situation is reversed.
I had to add this. We get a one-sided story; and in fairness, she deserves benefit of the doubt.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2020): [EDIT]: Typo, grammar, and punctuation correction.
"I'm not going to come-down on you; because we men tend to become targets of reprimand or male-bashing. It's a common perception that if women aren't happy in a relationship, it must be the guy's fault."
"Your needs seem irrelevant."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2020): Let me start by saying sarcasm isn't humor. Snark and cutting-remarks can do psychological-harm to a person who is already suffering from clinical depression. They take everything seriously; and their humor-meter registers low on everything. Even a good-joke isn't funny. They can't always be cheered-up by what usually cheers-up someone healthy.
I'm not going to come-down on you; because we men tend to become targets of reprimand or male-bashing; because it's a common perception that if women aren't happen in a relationship, it must be the guy's fault. Regardless of gender, we have what seems like a pandemic of people suffering from depression, some kind of emotional-defect, or a social-disorder. Far too many have never been diagnosed, and go untreated. Some self-medicate with alcohol, or use illegal drugs. Many under treatment are uncooperative with their doctors, and won't take their prescribed meds. They just sit through therapy sessions (if they bother to go) unresponsive, totally uncooperative, and only because they have to. They have given-up, lost all hope, and have surrendered to their despair. Their inner-demons win the fight!
We have to be compassionate and understanding all the same; because their illness will often overwhelm them. Not always because they're not trying. Many are committed to recovery, and learn to function as best they can; considering what they're actually going through. They are sick, it is an illness; and they can't just snap out of it! Imagine having a constant feeling of sadness, dread, unhappiness, no energy, and being in a constant state of hopelessness.
Those who are determined, can overcome it to an astonishing degree. I know people who have! Some regain their hope by finding spiritual-rejuvenation through worship and faith. God is a cure! Some sufferers decide to work with their therapists, and experiment with different forms of treatment. The good news is that they make progress and succeed. Some are even cured! It's not an incurable disorder for everyone.
Depression can fall on anyone at anytime. Triggered by a major loss, extended-illness, longtime unemployment; or people who are drama queens, and nothing on earth will ever please them. If we have the strength, we pullback before we dive into what's considered a clinical depression. Unfortunately, not everybody can do that!
There is a relentless and tremendous guilt in deciding whether to leave a person we know to be diagnosed with such an illness. In your case, you have to be concerned about how her health could deteriorate after separation; and how will her state of mental-health affect the care and wellbeing of your child. It's a very complicated situation for you.
I speculate that you must feel suffocated, stuck, trapped, and this is like a form of imprisonment. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't! You are concerned about what others might think of you. Leaving seems more like abandonment of responsibility, and failure. No doubt you may feel helpless and lost. You feel yourself beginning to slump into unhappiness. You're still young, but everything seems centered around her mental-health condition. You needs seem irrelevant. You have become completely absorbed by her illness, and have no identity of your own. It's not as simple as saying, do what's best for you. There is a child in the middle of all this. Who takes custody, if she is mentally-disabled? Will she be crushed under a custody-battle? Is she healthy and functional enough to be a fit and capable mother without supervision? The child always comes first...always! That's the one most dependent on both of you!
Before any decision is made, you need to know how she really feels about you. Get an assessment of her mental-health status from her therapist. I sense you're giving-up on the relationship. Often, people are only emotionally-dependent. They don't actually feel a healthy emotional-attachment, or true-love. They literally "need" someone to lean on. They seem parasitic. They can't function without a caretaker and protector. They never change, lack ambition, and seem comfortable in their complacency. It's symptomatic of their illness.
You have to follow your own conscience. No-one here knows either of you, no-one knows the depth of emotion in your connection to each other; and nobody can predict the outcome. You cannot remain in a relationship that bears no fruit. If love isn't there, if your partner is unresponsive to affection, and when you see no change on the horizon. You then make a conscientious-choice that is best for your child; and your personal-happiness falls secondary to what is best for him or her. Knowing the child is healthy and happy is reward in itself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2020): Sarcasm and what YOU see as 'harmless jokes', may well be something ENTIRELY different to her. Even if you feel great and are happy someone you care about can affect how you feel with what they think is a harmless joke. Insults wrapped up in supposed humour are often poison to the ones they are aimed at, especially if they are feeling low. And what's with the sarcasm?
Why is she like a stone and so unresponsive to you? Maybe there is more here than you are even aware of, or perhaps letting on.
But before I go on, it would help to hear a few examples of your 'harmless jokes' and what kind of sarcastic comments are sent her way. Please enlighten us.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (12 January 2020):
This is a very hurtful and difficult situation for you..and you must feel alone.However as you have tried everything to give your partner every chance to help herself..and she refuses..she may still depressed...and cant see any point in going anywhere.At this stage you have done your best..but i would ask you to consider going yourself to a counsellor..to talk this situation over with him/her.This situation needs to be talked about on a face to face with someone who has been trained and understands situations like this.Hopefully they will be able to see another avenue to suggest on this level..This is not something that you will be able to continue without having some help.Everybody need help at one time or another in their life...Kind regards NOREEN B
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