A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a lovely boyfriend I have been seeing for a few months. I knew him as a friend for some time before we started having a relationship, so although it's only been a few months, we know each other well. But I'm starting to feel left out. He has a child with an ex girlfriend, and they share the parenting. He has the child two nights a week. But just recently, the child's Mother has been changing the arrangements a lot, and asking him to have the child more often, and he and her spend quite a bit of time coordinating all this and discussing child-care issues. He is happy about seeing his child more, understandably. The problem is - I am getting to see less of him and am excluded from all these parenting discussions - her choice, but he is getting in the habit of it now and seeing it as normal. Also, the Mother doesn't want him to see me when he has the child as she doesn't want it getting attached to someone in case our relationshionship doesn't go anywhere - which I can understand. But it is getting to the point where I hardly ever see him now - I'm lucky if it is twice a week, and am feeling a bit on the sidelines. I suggested that as he is having more access to the child, perhaps we could do spend some time together when he has the child - but he said the child's Mother won't agree to this. I'm not sure what to do. It's like I have to accept things as they are or just give up my relationship - which I don't want to do, and he doesn't want that either. I'm not jealous of the fact they have a child together - I'm quite a laid back person - but I feel I only get to see part of him - I don't get to see him as the Father that he is, or get to do normal mundane things together. His ex is in another relationship - although it is a long distance one so she is on her own quite a bit - and is always wanting him to do things for her. Sometimes I understand this, thinking it must be hard to be a working single Mum - but other times it makes me seethe! Why can't she get someone else to do things for her, or show some respect for the fact that he has a girl-friend and let him get on with his life more. I know she doesn't want him back or anything - she dumped him for someone else when she was pregnant, but it is like she keeps tabs on him. He tends to feel obliged to help as he thinks he has to make sure she is ok so that the child is ok. The last time I tried to talk to him about this it spoiled our time together and made him feel under pressure and guilty. So we dropped the subject and had some quality time. I really don't know what to do or think - I think it's good they are amicable for the child's sake, and they obviously have shared parental joys in having a child - it just all seems cliquey - and I'm starting to resent my boyfriend having his week-ends taken up so much. I think maybe she is trying to get rid of me - it was nicer for her when he wasn't seeing anyone and was free when she needed him, and I think maybe she is trying to stop us getting serious - as if we lived together, she would be sharing her child with another woman. I know it should be him that deals with all this, but he's a bloke and depends on her for knowing what to do on the child-care side sometimes, and he wants to keep on good terms with her for the child's sake - so he doesn't want to do anything that will make her fall out with him. I'd be really grateful for any advice. I don't feel like I'm losing my boyfriend exactly, but it feels like things have got into a rut and our relationship isn't progressing. It's hard enough fitting in with each others work patterns and lives, without fitting around hers too!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009): Thank you. Especially the bit about asking him what he thinks the solution is - that's a really good way of discussing it. I have tried before, to reassure her, when we first started seeing each other, but I think she has her own agenda. Now that we are seeing each other, she refuses to see or speak to me (I think likes to pretend I don't exist). Which is not nice really as it is like humiliating me through him. There are probably all sorts of reasons why she behaves the way she does - fear her child will love someone else and jealousy of our happiness and not being that secure in her own relationship - but knowing that doesn't help solve anything. And as he says, she refuses to be reasonable about anything - wants everything her way. In her mind, he has to be available to drop everything all the time, if she needs him to pick up the child from nursery or take her to buy things for the child. Of course I know the child's needs come first, but if I can't go with him when he has to drop everything, it disrupts our lives. Yes you are right, she won't agree to a court order or to formalise things, so she has a bit of a hold over him. I sometimes feel a bit confused by it all - it seems so unreal - we both can't understand why we can't all just get on - and be easy and civilised - but then we come to the conclusion it's because of the way she is. Competitive and likes to be the Queen Bee. If he does try to say no to anything she gets so nasty it affects him and then spoils our time together in that way. I wish there was a formal agreement as I think people like that need someone more important than them to tell them how to behave! But it's not going to happen. He feels it is best for the child to keep things amicable - because she makes it clear that if it isn't on that basis she will be an enemy go for full access. Subtle blackmail really. He does make a lot of effort to spend time with me, but it is so fragmented - feels like I'm a mistress or something - and it does feel like someone is trying to steal my boyfriend! We have got to the point before where we both said maybe we should stop seeing each other as not fair on either of us - as being the only solution - but it's unthinkable and we both get upset and determined not to let things get in the way - till next time. He goes round in circles if he has to think about it. We are both a bit soft and naiive sometimes - him more than me - and I'm racking my brains wondering if there are some clever tactics I could use to change the situation. But just end up getting frustrated and angry. Anyone any good on tactical ideas when people won't be reasonable or play ball?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2009): Yes, she is the typical baby-mama....she enjoys her control of the child....what your boyfriend needs to do if he hasn't already is to have a court ordered parenting plan, that way it keeps everyone on the same page. However, if there is any resentment at all on her part, she won't follow it and there is really no way to enforce the thing unless you file contempt charges against her for not following it.
She can't really tell him who or what he does with the child during his visitation.....if he continues to let her walk all over him, it is only going to get worse instead of better.
See if you can't be with him when he picks up the child to meet her and try to forge a civil relationship with her, let her know that you would never try to enforce discipline on the child or try to take over as mother....tell her she has nothingn to worry about, but that you would like to spend more time with your boyfriend as you both lead busy lives and you are a part of his life, so the child should be able to feel comfortable with you. It is really your boyfriend's place to talk to her about this, he needs to let her know he has no intentions of getting rid of you.....this is a tough one and has to be handled delicately, but I would address your concerns with your boyfriend directly, just as you did here and ask him what he thinks the solution is, put it on him, it is his decision, really.
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