A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm looking for some advice on what's going on between my boyfriend and I at the moment. We have been together for 4 years and a couple of weeks ago we almost split up. We both ended up crying though and decided to start making more effort to make things right.So last night I called him and he was barely speaking. I asked him if he was ok and he said he's feeling a bit down/stuck in a rut. He said he hates the fact he works evenings because he is alone all day and can't really make any plans for the evenings, but he also said he doesn't want to find a new job as he's self employed right now and he doesn't think he could work for anyone else (which I agree with as he HATES being told to do anything). His line of work means he needs to work after school hours, so he's basically stuck.I offered to take him out tonight to cheer him up and he said he couldn't because he'd made plans with a friend. I told him to let me know if that changed and we could do something, which he agreed to, and we hung up shortly after.Today I text him at about 2pm (I couldn't call because I was working) and asked how he was feeling and didn't get a reply until 8pm. He said he was feeling ok because he's finished work for the weekend. I told him to enjoy his night and I'll speak to him tomorrow, to which he replied saying he's not going out now. I was a bit hurt because he obviously didn't want to see me (we last saw each other on Monday) but I replied telling him to enjoy his night whatever he ended up doing.About 10 minutes later he replied asking what I was up to and I said I was just chilling and doing my nails and I've had no reply since then.So now I feel like there's some sort of unspoken issue between us. I feel rude for not asking him to do something when he asked what I was doing, but I also feel that he didn't really act like he wanted to see me so I did the right thing by saying nothing.He's been making such an effort to meet me in the middle recently and I feel that in a day it's changed and is now as bad as it was before. I'm also worried about him saying he's depressed and I have no idea how to help. When we had our big heart to heart he did say that he was a bit unhappy with his life (his lack of career prospects and the fact he wants to travel mainly - he said it had nothing to do with his feelings for me) and we agreed to start saving to go on a big trip together, but something has changed in the last day or two and he seems really down now.I feel like a bit of a bitch for being upset if he's going through a hard time, but at the same time our relationship is already so rocky that I feel it could collapse if we both don't make an effort. I'm also not sure what can be done to help him because his main issue is around his job and he refuses to find something else. I just feel really alone and confused and need help working out what to do for the best. Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, brunette14 +, writes (14 December 2013):
 It okay to worry about your boyfriend, I think that everyone does or will do at sometime in a relationship and its perfectly normal because it shows how much you care about him. You should get this across to him directly. Talk to him, don't text, call him. Arrange to meet up with him and just sit and talk in a quiet peaceful place with no distractions, even if it means giving up some important arrangement because right now this is your main priority. You wouldn't have turned to here for help otherwise! Ask him how he feels and ask what you can do to help and most importantly, tell him how you feel about everything because then, he will understand what is happening.Tell him that you are there for him 24/7. Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved.I really hope this helps because you deserve to be happy, both of you.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 November 2013):
 I am guessing his business has something to do with tutoring and lessons, or something to do with kids. When every one else is enjoying family quality time, he's working and when he's not working you wonder what he's doing. He doesn't work every night though as he was hanging out with a friend which means he does have spare time. It's collapsing not because of lack of time but you may not be his priority. There is also no progress in the relationship. 4 years and no long term plans. He is withdrawing but at times testing you out. If you say nothing he's going to let it die by itself. If you both make an effort it is just to delay the inevitable. It always sounds better to blame depression, his job nature rather than to do the deed as the bad guy. You might have it reversed. It's not that his life is causing him depression, but the demise of the relationship is making him depressed. He's using excuses before he can figure out how to tell you what he really feels. He's hoping by being silent you would take the hint. 4 weeks ago you said to yourselves, it's not time to end this yet but you were there and now you can't just pretend it's all good. The issues are still here. You are waiting for a time when break up doesn't hurt too bad, and the resistance is lessened. I see you want to make this work, but he doesn't. It can't work when it's one sided. Couples support each other in need and right now he doesn't even welcome your support. He can have feelings for you and still not want to commit for long term. He's telling you not to take it personally yet not expect much from him.
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