A
female
age
30-35,
*pendy
writes:Why am I not as happy as I should be? I love him so much:(?My ex and I got back together after a year split. I love him so much and hated it without him.He broke up with me cause he didn't want a relationship at that time.We got back but I'm still depressed and not happy. So I asked him if he loves me. He said he likes a lot and he knows he'll fall in love with me again.I told him I don't want him to feel he has to settle for me. He says he feels guilty cause he hurt before.I've told him to really think about what he wants, stop that guilt and try work it with me or we end it for good.Ive given a few days to. Think about it. I feel like the spark is gone. Will it ever come back?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 March 2012):
 It's been 3 days. It's been the weekend in other words. I do not see a reason to freak out about 3 days. Calm down. It's been just 3 days, and what exactly have you and him agreed on?
Unless you and him have agreed that it is important for BOTH of you to have daily contact, there is no reason to get stressed out by 3 days of no contact. He is your boyfriend, not your child. You should give him space and time. He needs to adjust to you, and you need to start adjusting to him as well.
If you feel that 3 days is too long with no contact, and would like daily contact, then talk to him about it. No accusations, and do NOT equal lack of contact with lack of care. Those are NOT equals. A man can love you heaps and still not have a need to see you more than maybe once a week. His level of contact does not have to say anything about his level of care.
So just talk to him. Invite him over. Set some lines and boundaries for your relationship so you know what you can expect from each other. For example, talk about how often you will communicate. Tell him you have a high need for contact (you do have a high need for contact if you can't go a weekend without). It isn't wrong to want contact. But you need to talk to him about it rather than expect him to automatically understand.
You can also agree that every so often you will contact him, and every so often he must contact you. Maybe he can contact you twice a week for example. Or once a week. The rest of the time you initiate the contact yourself, because you are the one with the higher need, and you are the one who knows when you want contact or not. He can not read your mind. Initiate contact yourself and stop assuming that lack of contact = lack of care. Otherwise you are just stirring up a fight, and right now this relationship needs PATIENCE.
A
female
reader, Spendy +, writes (26 March 2012):
Spendy is verified as being by the original poster of the question Is been 3DAYS now I've not heard from him:( should I ring him or text him anything! Seriously I'm going out my mind:(!!
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A
female
reader, Lucky786 +, writes (23 March 2012):
 I think the spark you crave isn't there because you aren't giving yourself fully to your ex. You are holding back. Maybe you're feeling scared about him ending things again which is why you want him to be sure about re-kindling this romance?
Why did he not want a relationship with you before? What has changed?
When it comes to relatioships there are no guarantees. You just have to put your trust in the other person. In your case, I don't think you have dealt with the hurt from your past and I don't think the trust has been re-built yet. Until you and he deal with the past and move on from it, I don't this relationship last very long.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (23 March 2012):
Listen, you're expecting the wrong thing. No, the spark will not come back, at least not right now. Maybe a year from now, or two years down the line when you have grown to trust each other again and feel closer again. Maybe then it'll come back.
But you got it all wrong if you think "the spark" is what makes a relationship go around. It isn't. The spark, or "in love" aka infatuation is short lived. It tends to fade away, even if you and him had stayed together! It fades. Then it can come back, and then it can fade again.
The infatuation periods in a relationship are like the summer vacations, or when you go on holiday. But the main part of the year isn't all sun, beach and vacation-time. The rest of the year is work, gray skies, and every day boring stuff. And THAT is where your relationship is right now. You're in the middle of a gray-day period where not much exciting is going on. People have this romantic idea that once you get back with your ex things will be like BEFORE. But it wont. You need to move FORWARD in the relationship, not try to go BACK.
I hope that made sense. You and him need to establish new boundaries, rules for the relationship, and work on new feelings that you have right NOW. Do not try to bring back to life something that died a year ago. Things that have died and are brought back to life are called zombies. You don't want a zombie relationship!
So bring your feelings, your current feelings, and his, into the relationship and take it from there. Don't sit and wonder if you can fall in love again, or if the "spark" can come back or not. You don't want it back. Really. You don't want to fake things and end up with a zombie relationship.
You probably WILL get the spark back. But it will take it's time, because you and him have some time to go before your next vacation. So, while you are here on the gray days that constitute most of the time in ANY long term relationship: remember why you are with him. Why you LOVE him. Love can be there even if it's not the "spark". Love is a calm and genuine and deep feeling that is there, and that is the cause for why you are with someone. Because you care for them. Because you are unhappy without them. Because they bring good things to your life, and because you want to nurture them and make them grow as humans. And THAT beats "the spark". The spark is temporary, it comes and goes. The love on the other hand stays permanent as long as you nurture it.
Just work on nurturing your relationship for now, for him to nurture it as well. And then, one day, it'll suddenly be there again. So don't despair just because it hasn't happened in an instant. You're with him for a reason, and remember those reasons.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): I don't believe in going back, things finish for a reason.
He doesn't sound invested in the relationship and you don't feel the spark -so why do YOU want to carry on with it
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