A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have tolerated my boyfriend's house renovations since we met a few months ago. This has meant our relationship has practically been on hold while he beats the clock working outside before the winter. This is his second renovation and the first took two years but he was single and living somewhere else. We live an hour's drive apart and he doesn't like staying at mine as the house looks derelict and is not secure. It's like a building site and gives me a headache with all the dust. If we go anywhere he is tired and worries about the house. He works from home too. I love him very much but I feel so frustrated and as if everything is on hold for his house. He agrees I tolerate a lot but that it's a two year project. I feel so fed up. Any suggestions? He days he loves me and wants a future but I need to be patient.My ex of 5 years was the same. All his time and energy went into his car renovation. It was supposed to take six months and after two years of no holidays or free time together I left. I feel like I an nearly there again. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2014): Well.... you seem to like a man that renovates! Ok.. seriously I do understand that it feels like your partner is consumed by this project and he obviously recognises it. Could you put some goals in place for your relationship? Ask that he agrees to take one day off a month (or whatever is acceptable / good) just for your relationship so that you can plan a day out? It would do him good too to step away from it every now and then - it sounds quite exhausting. In some respects I can see how it may appear selfish of him to focus just on this house though obviously there are worse obsessions he could have. This is an investment of his time and money and could pay off but you need to meet him half way and him with you - and he needs to understand that your relationship needs time and attention too. If you show that you appreciate what he is doing but feel that you have no social life / fun / normal relationship because of it then, if he cares, he will think about that and do something about it.
A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (6 September 2014):
 From the sound of things he has been renovating the house since before you started dating him.
So this isn't something he's doing to spite you, and it isn't something he can just drop on a whim (yours) and leave half-finished, especially if the house is "derelict and not secure" at this point.
The house is something it sounds like he's had since before you were in his life, and I'm guessing he has a lot of his own time and money tied up in it already. If he has to work from home in it while construction goes on around him, I suspect he's just as eager as you are to see the project finished, and I somehow don't think he will drag the process out any longer than necessary. So you can complain to him about it if you like, but as his girlfriend of just a few months, you should prepare, mentally and emotionally, to be shown the door if you create too much additional stress during the process or make it an either/or ultimatum.
Also, there are a couple major pros to this that I suspect you may be losing sight of in your frustration. One, your prospective life partner is financially responsible enough to own a home in the first place. Many women would LOVE to have a partner like this. Two, he's clearly self-motivated and can take the initiative to act on and improve something to build a better future. And three, this is a great test of your relationship; if you stick with him through this, he's likely to be grateful and to see you as a wonderful addition to his life. The house is getting done one way or another - would you rather he remember your part in it as a loving girlfriend making his life easier because she's in things for the long term, or a nagging girlfriend making his life harder because she's not getting her way right this minute?
You mention that he's trying to get work done before the winter, so perhaps when winter rolls around you'll see his workload with regard to renovations drop off a little. Meanwhile, if the dust bothers you during construction, you can buy a package of inexpensive disposable dust masks at any hardware store and wear one when you're feeling affected by it. Perhaps this will also serve as a discreet hint to him to save the sanding (sawing, other dust-producing activity) until after you've left and work on something else in the meantime.
In the meantime, you have two choices: stick with him, or give up and keep looking. From the sound of things there's not much about the situation that you can successfully pressure him to change.
Good luck and best wishes.
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