A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. I am 15 years old and have recently been challenged with some difficult feelings. I'll sum up the story:A decent while ago (about 4 months ago), after two years of having feelings for my close friend, who I've known for a long time, I finally mustered enough courage to defeat my anxiety of being turned down and tell her how I felt. Before this, it seemed certain that the answer would be yes, as she was showing obvious signs (she would always edge closer to me, look me in the eyes, always want to spend time together, etc). All of my friends, and even family, told me that she was going to respond positively if I told her my feelings. But personally, I was still fearful that I'd be turned down. She's the only person I've ever had feelings for.I think this fear rooted from the fact that I had these feelings for a couple of years, plus the fact that she was my very long-term best friend. It took me the same amount of years to muster up enough strength to open up. But, back to the original point:I finally decided to tell her my feelings. So, we arranged to meet up on a weekend. We spent the day together, she was getting very close (at some points throughout the day, we were even sharing the same scarf). I thought that this would be the perfect time, so at the evening, we found somewhere in the town that was practically empty, giving us some privacy. I waited until the sunset to tell her how I really felt. She then told me that she didn't feel the same. I was devastated. I couldn't even make it back to school two days after. But I returned after a few days of coming to terms with it. Of course, we have still remained friends (at this point, it'd be impossible to split). Now, about 4 months later, I feel the same as the day I was turned down. We still meet up often, and we always enjoy ourselves, yet when we've parted ways for the day, I always feel worse than usual. Almost as if there's a voice telling me 'Look at her, she's perfect, you failed your only chance at being with her'. It's been the same for a long time now. It's not just this that has had me feeling down recently. Although she was the only person I've had feelings for to date, I suffer from a lack of attention. The most I've ever had was someone who liked me for a week, before telling me that she found someone else that was 'better than me in every way'. even though I didn't like her back, it still hurt. Plus, I'm the laughing stock of our year group: I've even overheard people recoil in disgust at the prospect of dating me. Others look at me and laugh, turning me into a joke. It feels at though all I've ever been good for is for others to look at me and have a laugh.Because of all this, I feel nothing more than depressed, and have done for a long time now. When I look at myself, all I see is an excuse of a man. I have no good points: I'm not good looking, I have mediocre grades, and it feels as though nothing is going right for me. If there's anything to say about myself right now, it's that I'm the definition of a failure. Any advice is greatly appreciated, and thank you to anyone who has the kindness to reply.
View related questions:
best friend, depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2019): Hi! So first of all if you were depressed you wouldn’t want someone calling you names and putting you down like on my post but it’s ok I honestly and hopefully believe that you didn’t read my question/story all the way through but am also saying that because I was very sad when I posted but I am not as sad anymore and I just saw what you wrote. I am greatful that I am a strong woman and mature enough to not get upset at you. Just keep in mind that some people are not as strong and it could of really affected someone else very differently. I just read your post and you are very young and I know it’s hard to fall for someone especially how it all went down but do you still want her? If so I would try and win her heart. Most women and young female teens as well loved to be chased and they also like when a guy isn’t too interested at first. It’s all about the mystery and the chase. Just something about it. Also if you do win her heart be yourself but I’m the beginning of the relationship I would still remain a little mysterious because it’s just attractive to us n I don’t know why. While trying to win her heart I’d try to act busy and pull out your laptop or even a Skateboard and act like you are important and adventurous and that your no longer interested. She will see this and be like oh maybe he is amazing and I just assumed he was overwhelming when I was wrong the entire time!? The more you treat her like you are so over her and even act like a jerk at times works too. I believe she likes you too but felt at such a young age etc that maybe you were coming off in a completely different way now see you both are young and tho you are certain and she was too at first I wouldn’t take it all too bad just yet cuz she might not know your intentions and could be afraid of being hurt especially if it’s her first time. I say play the game and win her heart! You can do it! If it doesn’t work out then you have plenty of time to enjoy all the wonderful things life will bring you and yes you will fall madly in love again and with someone who loves and appreciates you just as much. You will and take it easy too because you also want to enjoy your life before getting too serious too and watch out for them girls who want babies! Not good for your age group. I always have so much to say and I hope some of this msg helped you and if not or if it did lol n you would like some more input I don’t mind sharing opinions, giving advice, telling similar stories, talking about how I was growing up w my friends n sisters and comparing it to today’s generation etc. Now your generation does look at intamacy a little different and I am willing to explain more too but it doesn’t apply to everyone in your generation either. Just trying to help is all. Good luck and always keep your head up too because you’re better than depression and deserve to be a happy man!
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (15 January 2019):
 Life goes on, I can assure you.
Everyone gets rejected at some point in life, there’s really no way around it, it will happen at some point and we need to deal with it. The world won’t stop turning because we feel sad.
You need to pick yourself back up, kudos for you shooting your shot! You asked her out, it wasn’t the answer that you hoped for but you know that this is a dead end now. Being friends with her isn’t a good idea at the moment, you’re still dealing with your feelings and by seeing her regularly isn’t helping anything! Let her go, she should have more sense than to expect you to want to continue seeing her when she knows you want a relationship and she doesn’t! It’s selfish and strokes her ego. You need time away from her to build yourself back up.
Concentrate on school, if you have average grades then improve them! Study harder, go to extra classes, revise for tests. Work hard and you’ll reap the rewards, your education is the most important thing for you right now and you’ll be setting yourself up for the rest of your life by concentrating more on it now.
Code warrior brought up a great point. The gym is a great outlet for all the frustrations of daily life. Not only is it good for your health, it boosts your mood, increases confidence and can attract attention from girls. There are tons of beginner programmes you can find online along with nutrition info and cardio plans to shred the body fat. It may be daunting to begin but once you get that motivation there’s no stopping you. It could also help with people losing their interest in targeting you for insults if they see you becoming a more physical presence.
As well, another good point was to try to improve your appearance. Try a new haircut, new grooming products and update your style if it’s a bit outdated! No need to spend lots of money on fancy clothes. I see you’re from the UK as am I. I shop at asos, boohoo man and smaller boutique stores on Instagram that are usually quite cheap and have deals on quite regularly! Take a look online and see what you can find.
For the time being, work on yourself! Stop being at the beck and call of this friend as she will use you knowing that you like her more than she likes you, concentrate on school and remain positive! Talk to your parents and let them know how you feel and see if they can give you some advice, there’s plenty of people you can talk to if you need it.
Best of luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (15 January 2019):
 Okay, ready? I've just said this to another boy your age and, unsurprisingly, it applies here too:Give it time, OP. It's natural to be upset, but try not to be dramatic. Rejection is hard, but you're not depressed - just very sad, which is okay and a horrible part of having crushes on people. Hang out with friends. Spend time with family. Take a break from looking at her social media or talking to her, unless in a group.Be patient with yourself and learn from this - don't hold on to feelings for more than a few months before confessing, so you can move on sooner, if it's one-sided. It will hurt, but you will both find other people - with most people having 2 to 7 proper relationships in their lifetimes, with very few people staying in relationships with their school crushes. It won't comfort you now, but please remember to stay grounded, knowing that the sadness will pass. Not only that, but most people don't start dating until 18 - 25 years old because they're more mature (generally) and are usually better at handling the emotional ups and downs that come with it.Your hormones are all over the place, hence your extreme reaction to this. You put her on a pedestal for two years, so it'll take more than 4 months to get over all of it. You're also clinging to a friendship you don't want - you want a relationship, which is why you won't move on while you stay close friends. You say it's impossible to split now, but it isn't. You don't want to because you want her as close as possible, but your feelings will just keep getting hurt. How are you supposed to move on if you keep the friendship that caused these feelings?You are NOT a failure because some girl didn't want to date you. That happens to everyone. How will you cope with a break up in the future if you don't learn to cope with a rejection now? You need to distance yourself from her, to give yourself time to heal and move on. When you genuinely don't have feelings for her any more, you can try to be friends again. Until then, you are self-inflicting pain by showing yourself what you can't have when you hang out with her. You are addicted to the crush you have on her. Addicts can't recover if they continue their addiction.This isn't about bodybuilding or exercise, though some exercise you enjoy may help; this is about your emotional maturity and mental health. You will not feel better while you're friends with her. Yes, cutting contact with her will hurt for a while, but you will move on. Otherwise you'll be in this same position in another two years.Thing is, when we are "broken", we can't have a stable relationship with anyone. We need to be a secure, independent and whole person, so we don't collapse into a breakdown when we get rejected or break up. Being upset is normal and a healthy reaction, but convincing yourself you're a failure is not healthy.If you feel unable to take our advice to move on, see your doctor and talk about therapy to learn how to manage your emotions through this and future situations. If you continue down this road, you will probably develop *actual* depression because you are sabotaging yourself, in terms of seeing this girl as your world and feeling like you have nothing now that your bubble has burst. You were brave enough to confess your feelings, but you now need to be brave enough to move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2019): Calm down .. come here pull up a chair . Now your young and the girls today ate mostly ( boys ) too superficial. Have you seen Harry potter of course you have .. remember Neville played by Mathew Lewis.. that will be you in a few years he turned into a hunk . We all change as we grow .. we can be lanky .. Me I didn't think i was pretty . Left shy .. got a job .. New clothes make up.. And ooh gosh did I look good . With or without the make-up.. because I grew up.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2019): You're only 15! Being so down on yourself is concerning to me. Don't be so easily defeated!
The rejection from someone you really have feelings for isn't just heartbreaking, it's also embarrassing. In this case, mainly because you psyched yourself up for a positive answer based on what others said. Well, next time; go by your own gut when it comes to girls. Think about the advice you received before you act on it. Also know/accept the reality of things. You can't get-carried away with your imagination! You prepare for both success AND failure.
Be careful about following the hype and suggestions of people urging you to expose your feelings towards girls. They trying to be your cheering-section. That's fine, and they mean well. They neglected to advise you to prepare for things to go either-way. You have to do these things at your own pace; and prepare yourself for "no" without becoming a pessimist, or shattered. You CAN handle it. It takes a little practice. Girls have a right to say "no!" You won't like every girl who has an eye for you either!
Prepare for the world and reality. You don't always get what you want! You're not always entitled to!
It's old-fashioned; but I've always believed young people shouldn't rush into dating under the ages of 16 or 17. Your skin isn't thick enough for rejection, too much teasing, or surviving the brutalities of high school in-general. You've got to wear emotional-armor and learn to deflect insults.
Kids can be very cruel to one-another. High school is a rite of passage. You can't let them get to you; and you have to stop believing every bad thing people say about you. It takes a cruel sick mind to bully and attack people for no reason. To make fun of people for being different or disabled. You're the target, but don't be their victim. Stand-up for yourself. If you cave-in, they'll get twisted pleasure out of seeing you squirm. Pretend to ignore it; so they don't get on-the-spot pleasure watching your fall apart. I got good at doing this myself at your age.
I'm gay, and I had girlish-features. I was shy and soft-spoken. Often told I was cute or "pretty!" Not what a teenage boy wants to hear from another teenage boy! I had some protection. Older brothers who were kick-ass jocks! They would have cracked skulls if they knew; but I did my best to handle the teasing and names. They also taught me self-defense. We didn't have social media, but we did have phones. Telegraph, telephone, and tell a teenager! They'd get on the phone and tell everything you hoped they didn't see!!! Being here to tell you is proof you can survive it!
Parenting not being what it used to be; sort of leaves you hanging on what you're supposed to do in certain terrible situations. They're not all to blame! Then there's a teenage-notion that your parents aren't a good source for advice. They're apparently just egg and sperm donors who pay the bills! Otherwise, they have no other function in a teenager's life. Unfortunately, in too many cases that's true. Teens see how screwed-up their parents are; so why should they even bother? Well, sometimes they have an uncanny supply of wisdom and an ability to give you comfort. They get all weird and excited you came to them. Don't let that scare you, it's their job to do that. So will you someday!
Since you're here, I'll do my best.
Deep in your heart, you really knew you should have left things as they were. Friends are chosen for the purpose of hanging-out, sharing stuff you have in-common; and somebody to trust and share your secrets. At your age, hormones discover there are other things you like about girls that goes beyond being friends. You have to know where to aim your feelings; and when to pull-back certain feelings you think you have. You also have to keep female-friends and girls you want to date in separate files.
The closeness you get from female-friends is because they trust and like you. They get snugly-up-close; because they think you understand girls express their affection easily; and don't see reason to hide their feelings. You just have to be able to figure-out which feelings are just "friendly" and which are "romantic." They'll be happy to let you know, if you're not too sure. Sometimes it's accentuated with a slap! A cold-eyed stare that burns to the back of your skull!
And yes! They will embarrass you by telling their friends! Get tough, that's the way of the world! Yes, the other girls will go "eeewww;" but one is like "I think he's cute!" Until the hate-mob forces her to agree or be ejected from the clique. Sometimes they go "eeewww," and don't really mean it! Pretend they never mean it. It's not true anyway!
Just as a sister or female-cousin will hug and kiss you; they do it because they love you in a family-way. There are lines you never cross. No matter how you feel. Girls can like you, but not want you in a romantic-way. If they reject your romantic-advances; take it like a man, and save your attraction for a girl more likely to want them. You can't be a baby, and want to date girls! You have to be able to take what they dish-out! Earn respect with confidence and self-respect.
Fifteen is an awkward age. The reason many teens pick-on each other or fall into a mob-mentality; is to avoid being targeted themselves. They are hiding their own insecurities and imperfections. They hide in the crowd by doing what everybody else is doing. Even when they see it's mean and/or dangerous. Even if they wouldn't want it done to themselves!
Peer-pressure is something you had better learn to resist; because sometimes it will make you do foolish and lethal things you can't undo! Tell somebody if it gets too much!
It can't get worse unless you let it! It's not squealing; it's survival! Nobody can handle a mob alone! Even superheros form leagues to fight powerful forces.
You're a little let-down; but just writing your post should give you some relief. Getting these wonderful answers will give you the backup and support you need to get back on that horse you just fell-off.
Stop putting yourself down. That's unhealthy and unnecessary. Stop comparing yourself to other people who have different genes, grow at a different pace, handle problems differently, and know how to hide their fear better than you can. It's all fake and pretend in high school. Nobody is as tough or perfect as they pretend to be. If they were; they wouldn't target people to insult and make fun of. They are flawed, some are stupid, and some are scared. They'll do whatever their friends do; because they're followers, not leaders. They have no guidance, or inadequate parental-units at home!
You're still growing and maturing. You're not yet the complete "after" picture. You're the "before" picture. Before you finish high school, before you go to college, before you're finished growing, before your face and body-structure has matured; and before you've learned how to defend and manage your feelings. The "after" comes as you mature; and accomplish each of the things listed above. The "after" will be a lifelong-project. Learning and improving yourself should be from now to the grave.
Hang in there. Don't cut yourself down. What benefit do you get from doing that? If you get too depressed; you have to tell an adult you trust. It can lead to bad things, and you don't have to carry it all on your own shoulders. Your parents have a right to know when you're hurting. They can comfort you in ways people sending you typed messages can't!
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (14 January 2019):
All I'll add is that most people don't start dating until their late teens or early 20s because it's too much hassle when nobody is mature enough to handle it, which is normal and how it should be, in your teens.
Focus on friends and yourself for the next few years, OP. You'll get crushes and that's okay, but there's no rush to date. You'll all change so much in the next 5 years that most teen couples don't last, just get hurt.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 January 2019):
 OP you had a crush. Your crush DIDN'T feel the same, IT HAPPENS.
NOT everyone YOU like will like you back to the same degree. She likes you as a friend, you like her as more. It happens. It's not about failure.
You did a brave thing and told her. So NOW you know how SHE feels. But you HAVE to accept that 1. she doesn't like you in "that" way and 2. no one OWE you that.
Anyone who recoil in "disgust" at dating you, are the kind of girls you AVOID and don't give the TIME of the day. And the girl who "liked you for a week" and then found someone better... Is just an IMMATURE little nobody who hasn't figure out that HURTING other people's feeling will NOT make her look or BE a better person.
You are 15. you are NOT a failure because your friend doesn't want to date you. Or because girls aren't lining up to be with you.
And NO ONE is perfect. That friend of yours, she isn't perfect. Don't put a girl up on a pedestal, idolizing her. That is a "false" image you create, a fantasy person.
As to you. OK so you are no Don Juan. You might not even be very "special". But I would venture a guess that there are things you are good at too. Instead of OBSESSING (and yes, you are obsessing) over this girl, FOCUS on your grades. And focus a bit of the future. Where do you see yourself after school? Can your grades get you there? If not, then you need to put some serious work into them.
What hobbies and interests do you have?
Have you tried something like theater? Where you have to "become" another person. Interact with a lot of people you don't know? Challenge yourself.
And then there is sports. Not all of us are athletic. Doesn't mean you can't work out and be fit. Being fit has more benefits than just "looking" fit. mentally and emotionally it can also help you feeling stronger.
Read more. Start a journal.
Work on being a person YOU would like. when you find that YOU like yourself (even with whatever flaws you have) OTHERS will find it easier to like you too. And it IS OK to have flaws. Not everyone is pretty/handsome, but some still has a lovely attitude and those are the ones people LIKE to be around.
I get that you think IF ONLY you can date THIS ONE girl, everything will fall into place. And OP, life doesn't work like that. You NEED to stop beating yourself up. I really DO doubt that others laugh at you constantly or that you are now only good for a joke. Again, that is not how life works. And if people around seem to be NEGATIVE in how they respond to you, avoid them, ignore them. They will soon find it's NOT SO MUCH fun when you aren't caring about what they say. Grow a little thicker skin.
Again, you are 15. Life is AHEAD of you. Right now most of the people you are around all day are like you. Immature, inexperienced, unsure. Some just hide it better than others.
FIND your good points, your strong suits. YOU have them. Everyone one is GOOD at something. Challenge yourself to be good at something and to acknowledge it.
...............................
|
