A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all.I have a problem where I love a girl way too much. We are in a long distance open relationship. After having a few talks and arguments with her, I've found out that her interest in me was misplaced. I think, (90% positive) that I represented some stability in her life where all other guys she'd been with used her. Also, she says she has low self esteem and finds it difficult to resist any guy in a sexual situation. She is especially flirtatious over the internet and claims to be insecure over her weight (she use to be anorexic but overcame it and gained a few pounds, I think she has a beautiful body by the way and tell her that everyday). She also mentioned that she thought I'd never be with a girl like her, so she didn't entertain any fantasies about us being together and still doesn't. On questioning her she mentioned that she'd still want to be in a relationship despite everything.From assessing the situation and what she's told me, I feel like she sees me as a compassionate friend rather than a lover. I have my problems as well but every time I try to get close to her sexually she puts up these blocks, inhibitions, and so called problems which equals a hands off situation. Yet, when I'm nice sweet, caring and compassionate, telling her she's beautiful and explaining what I feel for her she goes goo goo ga ga!!! Nevertheless, as she herself mentioned, I'm in a special category where as other men are free to get as sexually close they want with her. I don't mind being in this special category and I don't mind being a compassionate friend. As a matter of fact I am going to end the relationship because I feel that it's a compassionate friend she truly wants. My problem is that I love her too much and cannot be that type of friend. When I break it off I don't even think I could be around her for fear of my feelings. Is there anyway to love her less so that I can be there and help her?
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anorexic, flirt, insecure, long distance, self esteem, the internet Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for the advice. It was correct and really helpful
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (19 October 2008):
There is no way this is going to have a happy ending. She's seeing you as her friend and an easy way to get self esteem. You are like a drug to her because you make her feel good and she doesn't have to give anything back.
Basically she is using you but it's sub-concious so she doesn't realise how selfish she is being.
If you end it you will hurt her and she'll be very sad and want to stay friends, and promise to be different... but she's addicted to those good feelings, she's not going to be your girlfriend and be faithful. She just doesn't want you to stop being lovely to her.
However, if you stay with her you are just going to used more and more until you snap at her and then she'll get all offended and dump you and tell you it's your fault and you are just like the rest of them.
You have to end it now for your own sake. If she wants a nice boyfriend she can get back in touch, but I think she will never commit the way you want, and she will keep hurting you. Find a girl that you can actually visit regularly and doesn't use you as a therapist.
Good Luck!! xx
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