A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a question about making friends wrapped up with a relationship question. My wife and I have been together about ten years, though we were only married recently. We are about to move to a new city where we will both start grad school. Neither of us knows anyone there.For a long time I have had a hard time making friends because of my struggles with depression. I lost all of my friends from college, because of the shame I felt over my failures and for many years avoided making new ones. My wife has a fair number of friends, most of whom she made in high school, with whom I am friendly. But they are her friends, not mine. Essentially, I don't have anyone that I can call up to talk to, or go out to have a few drinks.A couple of years ago I finally began to get treatment for my depression and it has worked wonders for me. Now I am eager to make up for lost time and start enjoying life by finding some real friends for myself. My problem is that my wife is terrified of this upsetting our world as she knows.Both she and I are definitely on the introverted side, but now that I am no longer depressed I don't feel so anxious about meeting new people. She isn't exactly anxious about making friends either, but I always find that the new people she meets are a little on the boring, quiet side, and I'm tired of having their boring boyfriends foisted on me as my only possible friendship options. Before my problems with depression, I always liked people who fell in the edgy / artistic / intellectual category, and those are the kind of friends I want to have. I plan on going out of my way to make friends with people in my program and elsewhere if I can. When I mention this to her, however, she says things like, "But don't you like being at home with me?" She has usually preferred hanging out with the friends she has known for years and years, only at someone's house on Saturday night, and always being home by 11. I want to introduce a little spontaneity into our social life, but she is terribly afraid that I am trying to pull away from her.The truth is she is very insecure due to the break-ups we went through in the first five years of our relationship. First, this makes it so that any social situation in which another woman is present who has not been vetted by her threatens her. Basically, I can't be friends with or even an acquaintance of another woman. Last year, I began to become friends with a young woman at work who had a serious boyfriend. She invited me and my wife to parties at her place a few times, but each time I suggested it to my wife she would accuse me of secretly liking our prospective hostess, so we never went.So, I want to use our move as an opportunity to remake our social life. I am afraid our relationship will enter a very deep rut unless I do something soon. I also want to go to marriage counseling to help her get over her anxieties. I'm just afraid that I will miss the opportunity to make friends early on while we are dealing with this issue. Then it will be even harder to break out of our old habits. How can I make this change without being a jerk to her? How can I assure her that I have no intention of leaving her for another woman we make friends with? Basically, how can I have my own life and stop being her appendage?
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 July 2008):
 Which treatment did you use for depression. I have major depressive disorder. I take meds, but still just hang around and really not do much. I'm introverted, but as long as my kids are around, hanging out, I don't seek other relationships.
That was just a quick question. I'm always looking at treatment ideas which I may not have thought about.
Now about your marriage. She's treating this as a "I can do, and you can't." You didn't give much history with your breakups. Did any include cheating or another female interruption? That would definately develop insecurities.
The depression you went through and what she's going through with her sense of self needs attention as well. Your change is affecting her. She feels safe when you're home without friends. It's easy to understand her views, but what she's not viewing is the longterm damage this can cause both you and your marriage.
Don't just jump out there and do it all at once. Gradually open up to adding new friendships. She needs to understand it's okay to have friends. It's not okay to do something with your friends which may violate your marriage, and that's what she is afraid of. Subconsciously believing she's not good enough for you, and if opportunity opened, you'd trade her for a new.
Here is what I recommend. This direction is because I don't want to check on this site and find a message that the marriage is not going to work. You've received help for your depression. Is she getting help also? She needs to build her damaged self esteem. I would like you to seek assistance for both of you from a behavior, relationship or life coach. They will assist you in the area of finding friends and bringing your life and activities to being in balance. They will help her with insecurities and bringing her life in balance. Then your marriage can be balanced.
Remember, your wanting friendships is not about her, or taking away from what you have as a married couple. It's about person fulfillment. You need to have your life, she has hers, then have one together. I believe the best marriages are ones where both people in the marriage are already happy with who they are, then instead of depending on the other person to make them happy, they choose to share the happiness they already have.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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