A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've only been married 5 months, but I feel like I made a mistake. There are a lot of "factors" to this story that I feel are important to really give you a perspective, so it might be a long, convoluted post, but I'll do my best to get the point across. My husband is a really great person. He's very sweet, successful, smart and caring. I know he'd never do a thing to hurt me and he adores me. Which is why it makes me sick to my stomach to admit that I don't think I'm in love with him. I do care about him immensely, but it's the way I care about my parents and brothers. We've never had much sex and since we've been married I can count on 1 hand the number of times we've had sex since we were married. I'm simply not sexually attracted to him. We've lived more like good room mates than lovers long before we got married. I always told him (and myself) that I just had a low sex drive. I've been thinking a lot about the "why" of how I got to this point. How the hell did things go this far? Looking back I think it had to do with the fact that at 22, I had come out of a string of bad relationships and I wanted someone "safe". Someone that would never break my heart. I remember the first date we ever went on I was thoroughly unimpressed with him. He was super quiet, barely talked at all. When he called for a second date I was surprised, cause I didn't think things went that well. But he seemed nice so I decided to give him another chance. Things progressed this way and he grew on me. I kept going out with him more for the reason that there wasn't anything I really DISLIKED than for true attraction. Typing this makes me feel like "how did you miss these red flags!?!?!?" But you have to understand I was totally turned off of "love" at the time and was trying to be more "practical" in picking a man even though I'm sure I didn't realize it consciously at that time. Anyway we kept going out, and lived together for 4 years before he asked me to marry him. I had doubts about our relationship before, but I always brushed them off. Our lives were so intertwined, I couldn't imagine "starting all over". There's not a single thing I own, it's all "our" stuff. We have the same friends, our families get along great, all of our bills are together, etc, etc. It seemed crazy to upset the apple cart over a silly thing like passion or intimacy. I mean it's not like we ever fought, He didn't hit me, he didn't cheat on me, he has everything going for him (he makes about 5x the money that I do). As soon as he asked me to marry him I got so giddy over the prospect of being a bride that I pushed all doubts out of my head. I was so excited about the wedding, but still that nagging lack of passion was there. When people would make comments like "oh it must be great to be in love!" I would never agree. I would always make jokes like "whoa, I just want a wedding!"And then the wrench really got thrown in when I met the "other guy" about 3 months after being engaged. We met through a mutual hobby and became friends. I know it's cliche, but we just "clicked" in a way that was like we had always known each other. We started talking outside of our mutual hobby more, and then we started texting all the time. I could talk to him about so many things that I couldn't talk to my fiancé (at the time) about because he didn't "get" my interests. And he could make me laugh and smile like a school girl. Although we never talked about anything inappropriate, the amount of time we spent talking was. Whenever I felt guilty about it I would lie to myself and tell myself we are just good friends, and we weren't doing anything wrong. But it wasn't long before we both admitted we had feelings for each other and we stopped talking because I wasn't willing to end my engagement. We'd stop talking for months, but he'd be on my mind almost every day. Then one of us would break down and contact the other, just to see how they were doing and it would start all over again. We'd talk all day every day for months, and then one of us would break it off again. This went on for about a year and a half. Although it never became a physical affair, it was clearly an emotional one. At one point, I had a serious talk with my fiancé (at the time) about if we should really get married. I expressed my feelings about not feeling in love with him, and having feelings for another man. He was so hurt by it that I panicked and retracted everything, saying I just had pre-wedding jitters. At that point we owned a home together, owned all of our other assets together, had pets we both loved, and had spent thousands on the wedding already.... I felt completely trapped, besides the fact that I did not want to hurt this man that has done nothing wrong. So now here I am. In the same situation but now we are married. I still can't get the other guy out of my head and I'm starting to notice myself distancing myself from my husband. I go out of my way to be around him less. I spend more time with friends and work more night shifts at my job. Before I wasn't attracted to him, but now I'm almost repelled by him. I don't want him to touch me or kiss me. I think he's started to notice something is wrong, but he hasn't mentioned anything. So now I'm losing sleep over my situation. It makes me sick to think about leaving. I don't want to start my life from scratch at 28. As I mentioned, he is the bread winner, and if I left him the only thing I'd have to my name is my car. I currently live very comfortably in an affluent neighborhood with all of my needs met. If I were to leave now id probably have to move back in with my parents since I work a minimum wage job and probably couldn't even hold an apartment. I also don't want to ruin my husbands life. He truly adores me and it would kill him if were to leave. Not to mention how disappointed my family and friends would be with me. And it's not like I'm totally miserable, generally we get along fine. And if it wasn't for the feelings for the other guy, I probably wouldn't even be considering it seriously. But it also makes me sick to think about going the rest of my life without feeling passionate love. And if we become bitter, it could just make a potential divorce later even worse. I'm just so confused. I know no one can tell me the "right" thing to do, but I would still love advice/perspective from others. Especially from someone who has been through something similar. Also, I know that i may seem very "matter of fact" telling the story, but it's not like I was fully aware of my feelings the whole time. These are conclusions I came to after deep soul searching, and they say hind sight is 20/20.
View related questions:
affair, divorce, engaged, money, roommate, sex drive, text, trapped, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2019): I am curious how everything turned out for you!?
A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (11 April 2014):
 Sometimes we don't really realize what we have until it is all gone and I wonder if you realized that you really do feel something for your husband after telling him you felt for another guy - maybe if you weren't safe and secure with your husband you would realize just how much you would be lost without him?
It is always something to think about another guy who gets away or is not accessible, sure, I am sure it goes through most people's minds, but life is like that - it makes you want the things you don't have and ne appreciate the things you do.
I am not sure that you would be any happier with the "other guy" as sometimes relationships built soley on passion tend to fizzle out over time and then you're left with everything you already have now, but you're staring into a different face for the duration of it.
I would suggest that, before you give up on your marriage all together, trying to get together a couple of date nights with your husband and see if there really is nothing left of if what you have is really still there hidden by the way you imagine life to be with someone else.
From what I can gather, you don't have any children with your husband right now and so if you truly do not feel like he is right for you then you really do need to let him go. It is cruel to go through life with a man who you don't love as he deserves happiness too and, if you are avoiding him etc, he knows how you're feeling and where it is heading already.
I would suggest a time out on your part, try and really think about what you want and don't be affraid to leave if that is what is best for you. So what if you'll have to go to your parents for a while? You will be just fine as things have an incredible way of working out for the better and it isn't always the way you expect it to!
Perhaps in the long run you won't end up with either of these men, but something here really has to give, and that something is you.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2014): since you have been feeling like this with your husband for so long, even from your early dating days. You will never develop any feeling. You like him, he seems to love you, he is a good guy but he is not your type. I think you are not happy with his appearance which is normal to feel like this.
This is a v difficult situation. It's hard for you to just divorce and move on. you feel guilty. but i don't think you will ever be able to feel the way you wanna feel for this man. you will never love him the way you are crazy after this other guy. I don't have any solution. This is gonna be a diff. situation either way.
...............................
A
female
reader, Marilissa75 +, writes (19 March 2014):
 Make living arrangements with your parents or a friend and move out and file for divorce. Pursue your passion with this other man.
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (19 March 2014):
I guess it is easy to take all the good stuff for granted but after 4 yrs I think you need to fess up to your actions. You need to stop being so selfish and actually consider other people's feelings here. Whether this means you need to leave or stay with your husband is up to you but at the moment it just sounds like you aren't doing a whole lot of anything for the relationship which is isn't how it works. Your soul searching sounds like a bad excuse for you to continue walling your emotions and turn a blind eye from the person who was committed to you all this time. Perhaps you need to spend some more time to re-evaluate yourself and dig a little deeper than your lack of spice for your husband.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 March 2014):
 Your submittal triggers me to, once again, suggest that two people who have widely-varying needs for sex and/or intimacy CANNOT MAKE A LIFE TOGETHER.....
From your submittal, I believe I see that YOU thought that you could endure a life w/o sex/intimacy if/since it would "protect" you from the kind of boorish guys that you had been associated with. What you have learned - since - is that there is also a "price" to be paid for AVOIDING sex/intimacy. AND, now, you are not willing to continue paying that price....
The "answer" is clear..... You and he need to sit down and have that conversation that includes your saying: "Hunchy-bunchy, I can't endure a lack of sex/intimacy forever. IF you can.... and, if you are content with things as they have been for the last four years.... then we are going to have to agree to split and go our separate ways. IF you - like me - have been frustrated these last four years.... and if you are willing to make adjustments that will ressurrect a sexual/intimate part to our lives.... then let's do that...." ... and you and he go on with your lives based upon the results of that conversation....
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 March 2014):
 Seriously OP? You think your marriage was a mistake? Hmmm...then that makes me wonder what your husband would have to say about you because you have done absolutely nothing for him!! I'm not going to be nice about this. Its been entirely about you all the way. YOU, you you.
YOU got out of a string of bad relationships.
YOU wanted someone safe.
YOU never really loved him but went along because he seemed like the safest bet.
YOU couldn't imagine "starting all over" so you went ahead with the marriage.
YOU wanted to be the bride and hence you said yes to the marriage proposal.
YOU cheated on your husband with the other guy because you "clicked" with him and yet you didn't have the decency to do the right thing and break off the engagement because you didn't want to let go of the life you had gotten used to.
YOU still have feelings for the other guy and are just about putting up with your husband because of the comforts and luxuries that he offers you. Its like you're doing him a favour when you say, " and it's not like I'm totally miserable, generally we get along fine. And if it wasn't for the feelings for the other guy, I probably wouldn't even be considering it seriously."
YOU have all your needs met and are with a guy who must be truly amazing to tolerate you and give you a good life despite the fact that, you are in your own words, "repulsed" by him.
Don't you think he knows that? Do you think he cant feel that? Of course he can! The fact that he's not making a song and dance about it is because he's a good guy.
Where does your husband stand in all of this? What is he even getting out of this relationship? And when will you stop being selfish and put him ahead of you?
Life has been good to you OP, way too good in fact. Your husband deserves much better and you need to let go of him because this is the only good thing that you can do for him. Let him go and find someone who truly deserves him. You can keep up the charade of a happy marriage all you want, but you have your whole lives in front of you and how long can you keep up the act? If money is what you want, then I'm sure he'll give you what he can. But leave him and then do whatever you want because its extremely unfair to keep your husband in the loop like this while you are thinking about another guy and feel your marriage was mistake. Yes, it will hurt your husband but its better that he gets hurt now than later.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2014): You've wasted 6 months of this man's time.
In that time, you've cheated continuously with another man.
Now you're not sure whether to stay or leave because
a) you do not want to start over at 28 (ie. take responsibility for your mistakes)
b) you do not want to leave the affluent lifestyle.
At what point will you accept that you've used this man and abused his love for you?
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (18 March 2014):
 I have not personally experienced this, but your post reminds me very strongly of the way my partner (who has been married before) describes his former marriage. The parallels are striking enough (to me) that it's worth bringing up a subject I usually leave in the past.
Like you my partner married pretty young, and apparently much less on the grounds that sparks were flying than on the grounds that it was what their families, especially his ex-wife's family, expected from him. His ex was also very eager to have a wedding, maybe even more so than to actually be in a marriage.
He says that while the connection wasn't really there while they were dating, she was in a bad spot in life and he wanted to help her. He knew for certain the wedding had been a mistake when he realized that even though he had just gotten married, he still felt lonely and like no one in his life really understood him.
He doesn't have a bad thing to say about his ex-wife (which doesn't bother me at all; I actually respect him a hell of a lot more for it) but he's said in the nicest way possible that being married to her was more like having a daughter than having a wife. Beyond that I don't know all that much about how they interacted. I have never asked; I don't consider it any of my business. But I can tell from how he is with me that his ex grew up sheltered, was not very well educated, and couldn't really be relied on to take care of things (paying bills, basic household chores) herself, without supervision. I have to remind him sometimes that I *don't* have to be told how to do something, or reminded to do it, or watched through every step of the process - even for simple things like cleaning a kitchen or bathroom. Honestly, it annoys the crap out of me at times but I understand it's not something he means to do; rather it's something he does because he got used to that dynamic during the year or so he was married to her.
He's described her to me as "sweet" and "nice" but that's definitely not the same as having true chemistry with someone, or being in love with them. (I personally could not imagine ever being married to someone just because they were "nice.") Evidently neither could he, as he eventually filed for divorce. To the best of my knowledge it cost him half his savings account, a (fairly new) car, and more than a little drama from his highly Christian extended family, but from the sum total of everything he's said about it I don't think he regrets the decision at all.
His ex was pretty upset by the divorce but actually seems to have moved on with her life pretty quickly. Again, if I had to guess I'd suspect she's almost more interested in the social and lifestyle perks of *getting* married than the work of being married, and was bothered more by the social impact of divorce (oh God, what will my friends think on Facebook?) than some of the other aspects. (I base my conclusions here on comments made by my partner's mother, who evidently knew his ex well and didn't approve of her at all.)
I share all this in the hope that it may provide a real-life example of what ended up happening with ONE couple in a situation similar to yours. I'm sure for every person who does decide to follow their heart and leave, many others choose to stay, for a variety of reasons - I just don't happen to know any of them well enough to know that about them. I can't tell you what's right, but I can tell you that I would not want to spend a lifetime married to someone I didn't love - and nor, honestly, would I want to spend a lifetime married to someone who didn't want to be married to me.
You have some tough decisions ahead of you, and I wish you all the best on whatever path you choose to take.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2014): I think it horrible you married this man knowing the whole time how you felt. You
Knew You didn't love him, you know you should have ended it before it started now look where you are. You can't stay with him out of pity he deserves someone that loves him and wants to spend their life with him. You know what you have do do so stop stalling and do it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2014): I can only tell you the grass is not always greener on the other side. The problem is you are too safe and comfortable in your relationship and hence the boredom.
Assume you give up on this great guy and home. Are you willing to risk for "passion" a great relationship for one that your bubble might just burst. Your own admission you have been hurt and disappointed in other relationship and could not believe this great guy was interested in you.
I have been in your shoes and can tell you that the initial romance in every relationship starts out exciting and wild and then comes the comfortable aspect of the relationship. The honeymoon does not last for ever. In my case I did choose passion and he was a real pig. I regret giving up a great guy and hurting him. I also wanted that passion and excitement. When I kiss him and just being near gives me goose bumps. Biggest mistake of my life. All I can say is thread carefully as the grass is not always greener on the other side.
...............................
|
