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female
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anonymous
writes: unfortunately my uncle passed which is my mother's brother. He lives about 4 hours away. Here is the petty part: sometimes i feel like things fall on me more than my older brother (5 years old and i am 26) simply b/c he is married and out of the house..b/c i am single etc i feel like things are more on me sometimes..i felt it before but ignored the feeling thinking maybe i am overreacting.My brother called my mother to talk about it etc and also mentioned which i knew he would that he wouldn't be able to go to the funeral etc b/c of his new job. I kind of get that in a sense BUT he has been at this job for a few months now and it's not a very demanding type of job that they wouldn't be able to find ANY coverage for. I feel like if he spoke to someone and said there has been a death in the family they would probably allow or atleast ask.So i feel like it is left on me but in reality i actually don't want to go to this thing either..that means taking off my vacation days and having nothing left til january. I haven't seen this uncle in years..the only reason to go would be for my mom. She will be sad but she will also have my dad there.What should i do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionunfortunately my uncle passed which is my mother's brother. He lives about 4 hours away. Here is the petty part: sometimes i feel like things fall on me more than my older brother (5 years old and i am 26) simply b/c he is married and out of the house..b/c i am single etc i feel like things are more on me sometimes..i felt it before but ignored the feeling thinking maybe i am overreacting.
My brother called my mother to talk about it etc and also mentioned which i knew he would that he wouldn't be able to go to the funeral etc b/c of his new job. I kind of get that in a sense BUT he has been at this job for a few months now and it's not a very demanding type of job that they wouldn't be able to find ANY coverage for. I feel like if he spoke to someone and said there has been a death in the family they would probably allow or atleast ask.
So i feel like it is left on me but in reality i actually don't want to go to this thing either..that means taking off my vacation days and having nothing left til january. I haven't seen this uncle in years..the only reason to go would be for my mom. She will be sad but she will also have my dad there. I basically feel like i can't really say anything in this situation b/c it is her brother who died..it almost seems wrong to stand up for my principles at this time.
But at the same time i am feeling angry that i will have to take 2 vacation days b/c of the time getting there or call in sick to save my vacation days...i just dont know what to do..maybe just go along with it this time b/c it is a death and then in the future for ANYTHING else that isn't involving death make up my own mind and tell her your son didnt even try to go to that funeral; i am off the hook this time.
Do i go along with this due to the fact my mother's brother passed and just keep peace. What should i do??
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): Okay...maybe I'm wrong, maybe it has nothing to do with you being a woman, your brother being a man, and your mother's gendered expectations. But then I would ask you, why is your brother particularly unreasonable for not indulging your mom, rather than your mother's expecations and obvious bias?
Address the problem at the source. Yes, there will be fall out and perhaps a "war" because you didn't give into her demands, but letting her know you have personal boundaries is infinitley better than letting her walk all over you.
Your brother and his relationship to his boss is a distraction in this problem.
Just because you're single doesn't mean you aren't entitled to make your own choices. I've felt the same pressure and I sympathize with you. You can make the choice to stand up for yourself or you can distract yourself by resenting your brother.
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): i don't think it really has to do with duties of the women in my family..i just think my brother got the easy way out b/c he is married now and he also married into a house..things fall on me--i am single, i am still living here helping out etc. It is going to be a war if i don't go to this..my mother will be very upset. At the same time i just feel very angry b/c it is still falling on me and gets to ride the excuse i have only been at my job a few months..can't you atleast ask your boss if it's ok b/c there was a death? say one day or two days whatever is ok with them and if it not then it's fine b/c other family is going.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): I'm not sure where you're posting from or what age you are, but I think her asking you to go to a funeral has more to do with cultural and familial expectations. It has far less to do with your married brother. You're focusing on your brother, but you might not be paying attention to your mother's expectations.In general, women expect other women to be emotionally open and sympathetic. If a female coworker brings by her infant into the offie and you don't react by thinking it's the most perfect child you've ever seen and linger and coo over it, she may very well think you're cold. Likewise, I've noticed mothers often have the expecations that their daughters should share in the duties of emotionally managing a family. It's a gender role your mother is probably expecting you to fill. I've also been asked by my mother to show up at funerals, weddings, visit sick relatives, and even go to religious services while she would never consider asking these things from my brothers, married or not.I don't think it's petty to be irritated by it either. I think you should have a heart to heart about this. I warn you, it doesn't always go so well: I had the conversation with my mother when I was 25 and she became very defensive and insisted she treated her daughters and sons the same way...my personal experience has proved otherwise. Since then, she's stopped with most of the insane expecations. She still asks me to do her favors and show up at certain family events and I still do it when I can...but I'm clear that it's a favor I do for her and she in turn has been far more appreciative. If you don't want to go to this funeral, don't, but let her know why. If you don't say anything, she'll think this is your natural role and count on you to do things like this all the time.
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