A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I arrived in college as a transfer student the same year a new professor in my department was hired. I thought she was attractive and interesting, so I began casually getting closer to her. I felt we hit it off the first time I spoke with her in her office - sitting closely, gazing into each-others eyes for extended periods, not-so-privately glancing at each-others bodies and expressing a genuine interest in each others thoughts. I eventually made the mistake of switching my major to her department, so that I could get to know her better (more on why it was a mistake later). Eventually we were emailing each other almost obsessively about inconsequential things - from the middle of the weekday, to weekend nights. At some point, she began making suggestions about "hooking up", and offered the world (of academia) to me on a platter (being overly helpful and care taking); I had never felt so encouraged in my life. Though I wanted to "hook up" and see her more/know more about her, a part of me felt wrong about what this could lead to. This 'wrong' feeling furthered when I found out from a friend she was involved and had been for a while. To my knowledge, she had never mentioned her partner (though, later I found out she had been referring to him as her "friend" around me), didn't wear a ring, and generally acted like a free and single woman. When I found out about this partner, I felt humiliated and used, as I had been investing a lot of emotional energy into her. So, reacting as I did, I backed away from her, trying to convince myself that she was either not interested in me and was completely unaware of how she was behaving or had been teasing me for a laugh. As I started talking with other females in class, trying to assert my independence as a single college student, I noticed this woman becoming visibly hurt. Though I wanted to talk to her and smooth things out (I had no interest in these other girls), I didn't know where to begin. Things became worse when she attached herself to some older (mid 30's) undergrad in my class. I suspect this man was somewhat unstable as he used to glare and shake his head at me mid-class (I had no idea who he was at that point). Eventually this guy spoke to me, said he didn't like her much as a teacher (even after she let him drop out of our main class because he "wasn't interested", and take a private class with her). This woman's personality shift added to the frustration - she would roll her eyes at me, avoid eye contact all together, lie to my face and she stopped taking care of her personal hygiene (rarely showering or wearing clean clothes). I was confused, hurt and worried. She would still play little games to get me to come and see her, or I would catch her staring at me in class or looking at me with big teary eyes. But, whenever I got close to bringing something up - trying to initiate some kind of honest communication - she would detach and deny. Recently, I have been feeling starved for some kind of encouragement from her. She hardly responds to my sparse emails (regarding school matters), doesn't seem to invest much thought or energy into my work anymore, and has repeatedly tried to push me onto the other professor in her department (who I don't get along with). Though its good to see she is becoming more successful academically (and mentally)...I feel stuck in this stew of anxiety, inadequacy, frustration, anger and most of all...guilt. I am still hanging on to the guilt for hurting her feelings at some point or another (and not apologizing) and the shame for being the potentially insane student who still has feelings for her today.Not being able to talk about this with her has only added to the frustrating obsession of trying to get my reality validated. I feel I have wasted my time and energy in college because of this and just want some kind of closure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not sure if these where rhetorical questions of if you're genuinely interested in the answers. If its the latter, then keep reading.
Regarding the family background: I had never been close enough to any of my relatives (or even friends for that matter) to the point of fully trusting them (in fact, I can really only recall being violated by nearly all of these people). My dad and step mom were both verbally/emotionally abusive alcoholics - though I luckily didn't live with them full time. My mom was/still is enmeshed - since I was a child she has expected me to meet her emotional needs while I got nothing in return and constantly blames me for her life's problems, acting like a martyr. So, when I get close to someone or involved in something, she finds some way to hit my guilt buttons for not taking care of her needs first (or for not thinking/living how she wants). Then I try to take care of her needs, ignoring my own, which is followed by her shaming me for not getting my adult needs met. It's a cycle I am trying to break.
Though I don't want to be caught up in this, I feel that it was me who was also abusive and controlling (both the perp and the victim). I feel that my trust issues got in the way of what started out as an incredibly supportive and trusting relationship. Eventually, though, my insecurity struck hard and I felt that I simply wasn't good enough - which led to some crazy behavior and the feeling that I always had to forcefully and unnecessarily justify my wants, needs and desires (as I do with my mom). I am at the point now where I can hardly have a calm conversation with this woman because I no longer feel accepted or listened to. The self fulfilling prophecy came true, I believe she no longer sees me as good enough.
I have been to counseling and am working a 12 step program (Adult Children of Alcoholics). The first therapist I had I spent over a year talking with and she ended up depending on me to listen to her more than she listened to me. I took her advice regarding this teacher (that I was delusional and hyper sensitive, therefore I felt justified in backing away with no reason) and I feel that was the first blow to the trust of the relationship. I am not referring to a love relationship, just an honest and trusting one.
I need some kind of support and encouragement in my education, but I feel I don't deserve it from her anymore and that makes me feel angry, frustrated and ultimately insignificant. I only have one semester left, so I am not going to change majors or schools - even though I feel my reputation is ruined here, among both colleagues and faculty.
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