A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Guys, I'm posting in a real state of distress re one of my daughters. She has been going out with in appropriate guys since she was 16 and is onto her third boyfriend now who is pleasant enough but unemployed and seems to depend on her for everything. I brought my two daughers up alone but I did well enough so I am told anyhow ... My older daughter is at university and i have always supported her down this path. however she met a new guy and put her course on hold and got her own flat so she could be with him all the time. They are nocturnal, up all night and sleep all day and she was paying for a flat out of her student loan with him contributing nothing. She was running up my phone bill month after month and despite me repeatedly asking her politely not to she keeps forgetting so I had no choice but to bar the phone. I have developed a health problem with is stable just now but I'm inbetween work contracts and have to be very careful with money. Anyhow, re my barring the phone, she came back recently late at night and was rude to me because I wouldn't unbarr it and she said my logic was 'retarded and illogical' and said i would end up a lonely old woman and that i have 'issues'. I was so upset so I suggested she go to her boyfriend's house (he was back home with his mother) which she did so. I feel as though I have lost her for good and more and more she is slipping away to the influences of men who don't have the same values and work ethic as her family does. My parents have shown concern as has her sister but I daren't quote them for support in case it ruins her relationship with them too. Does it sound as though she is too far gone and I have lost her for good?? Have other parents been in this position and how does one handle it. I am very upset at her behaviuor and her cruel callous comments. Also, my ex partner (who was bitter about his divorce and an emotional verbally abusive bully) left about a year ago and she cited him leaving as evidence that nobody wants me and I will end up old and alone. I have lover her dearly and always always looked after her. We started to have odd arguments when at 16, she neglected her work and was being influenced by a group of girls and going out with unsuitable men. She blames me for everything. I feel sad and lonely but also I am ok .. any suggestions would be really welcomed. I am 43 and my daughters are 22 and 19. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
View related questions:
divorce, money, my ex, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 March 2010):
 I have two daughters (now 33 and 31)and during their late teens and early twenties I was the dumbest person they knew. I watched them date idiots and cringed every time they introduced me to their new boyfriends. But then a miracle occurred! They settled down and started their own families, and here's the kicker, my IQ suddenly soared to new heights! Now my phone is constantly ringing with them asking to tap into my new-found wisdom! So relax, you haven't lost a daughter. Try to enjoy this short vacation from motherhood.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 March 2010):
 You cannot shelter her or protect her for ever.
There comes a time when she has to learn about the rudiments of life . She needs to understand that the world does not owe her a living and she must learn to survive through hardships, mistakes and errors .
You have not lose your daughter but allow her to go through those turn mills of life to make her into a better and stronger person.
No pains , no gains.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 March 2010):
Sometimes we have to let people make mistakes. You haven't lost her forever. But for this moment, it is clear she must be allowed to make her own mistakes. Her insults mean nothing, because they are based around her own selfish interests. Young people, especially teenage girls, like to believe that they are brighter and more mature than they are. And they do like their bad boys. She has to make her own mistakes. You have done all you can, and now that she is of age, it's time for you to take some time over yourself. Do not give her any money. Do not give her a phone. Nothing. Do not pander.
Either she will wake up and realize she can do better. Or she will waste her life. You will feel guilty, no doubt, but sometimes people have to screw up to see the light.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (17 March 2010):
 OK luv, you're facing a real tough challenge. So far this girl has been playing you. If you give in now, you're going to keep getting played. And regardless of what you do, she isn't going to be there for you in your old age, unless it's to play you for your pension cheque.
Your kids are of age. You've done what you can to bring them up. It's time you look after yourself, and time the girls look after themselves. They can blame you all they want - they're on their own. Look after yourself.
...............................
|
