A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Yesterday my boyfriend said in a heated conversation that he thought I'd been 'ruined'. This has upset me terribly and I'm wondering how I am ever going to get beyond his remark. He won't retract it or apologise. When I asked him if he would choose someone else next time and was that what he meant he said " I would be more careful about who I went out with. I would probably choose someone less complicated" I feel like I've been given a label by the person who I have grown to love deeply. I feel not good enough and yet he tells me he loves me and things like 'never mind we'll get there'. I cling on to this because if this relationship fails I will feel as though maybe I am ruined and not worthy of being in a relationship. I am 36 he is 32 and I have been married before and was too long (10 years) in a very unhappy and abusive marriage. My esteem is shot to the floor I admit but I am working on it with self-help books and I have never hidden the fact I have suffered depression in the past. I am proactive in dealing with the issues that a person inevitably has after these things and have been seeing a counsellor and she is very good. Inside of me I feel I can have a positive future and I have many dreams. Because sometimes I have emotional triggers from the past that cause arguments he gets angry in response.I am finding his comments very very difficult to process because each time I try to justify what he's said I am left feeling angry and hurt.I confided in my best friend this morning what he'd said and she just told me to dump him and that she would no way take that kind of comment. Is he right and am I ruined? Am I over-reacting?
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female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (19 November 2008):
 This guy is not a nice man. He is controlling and abusive. He understands you have low self esteem and suffer from depression yet continues to say things which he knows will hurt. You are not his doormat and most certainly do not have to take this rubbish. He is using your 'weaknesses' to assert his power and this is not on. Teacake has given great advise, agree with the abuser at all times. I have done this before and it works and they are left totally confused. As she says anything he suggests or says just say that you can't agree more and keep along those lines. He won't like it as he is deriving no satisfaction as he is not getting to you. The guy is messing with your head and if he doesn't stop it move on as you can do soooooo much better.
A
female
reader, straight to the truth +, writes (19 November 2008):
Honey he isn't a good man to say that to you. No one should say something like that to someone they love especially when they know they have problems. even worse still he is saying "next time he will choose someone less complicated" which makes it sound like he already knows this isn't it for him and he will be moving on one day.
You are not "ruined" you have a past just the same as anyone else on this planet only yours sounds to me like its a harder past than most of us have had. You were unfortunate enough to end up in an abusive relationship which would leave its mark on anyone in one way or another. when i split with my fiance he told me "you've put on weight lost your looks and the only reason your with me is because no one else will have you" that left a mark on me for a long time and it shattered my confidence. I spent a long time single and rediscovering myself but i have worked on it and i am now in a loving relationship with a man who adores me for who i am. I would suggest leaving this man before he hurts you as well (emotionally) and find time for yourself, then the right man will come along and sweep you off your feet. there are men out there that are understanding, careing and committed. they're just a little harder to find these days. dont be a victim, be a survivor honey, sounds like you deserve to put yourself first.
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A
female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (19 November 2008):
 OH YES, I forgot to say.... I read in a book that the best way to confuse the abusers is to agree with everything they say... you're right honey, I'm too complicated. You deserve someone better than me.... and then leave him! Say all that with a smile.
He will be so confused and you will have the last laugh!
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A
female
reader, Teacake +, writes (19 November 2008):
Yes! You are over-reacting! You ARE NOT ruined!!!! Just too sensitive to abusive mean-spirited comments. Of course the comments should hurt, he meant them to hurt. But you are giving him too much authority about how you should feel about yourself. He is mean and insensitive and your friend is correct. You deserve to be treated with respect and love.
If you don't leave him all you are doing is giving him permission to treat you like this and he learns nothing. I made that mistake and I feel like I might never heal because I allowed it to go on for way too many years.
He has a problem and don't let his problems ruin you and your life. Cut him off completely. He does not even deserve an explanation other than you refuse to accept abusive language and attitudes.
Life and love IS complicated. He is just too immature to handle both. Don't yell, don't make drama, don't get angry. Just say that he is not good enough for you and bye bye.
Let him be the one to cry over you!!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): No person should be given a label. This man sounds very hurtful and is not treating you as an equal. I know it is hard but you should leave him as he is knocking your self confidence. You are not ruined he is just immature and hurtful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): well i think he meat what he said because he wont say hes sorry but u should dump him if he loves u then he should have realized the person he was falling in love with and should have understood why you are the way you are. my curent bf is kind of the same what hes hads a lot of problems that he has a hard time geting over and im in love with him totaly but i understand why he is how he is and hes just going to need time. In my mind i think u should leave him becuase he shouldn't have said that because that can really hurt a person and it seems like it dosent bother him that he hurt u and that is emotional abuse. which no person should ever have to go through if the other person says that they love u. well i hope i helped good luck!
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