A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm feeling sad because I'm starting to wonder if the reason I've had nothing but back luck (with guys) in my 29 years is because there is something wrong with me. Other girls have boyfriends who love them, and I wish and wish I could know what it's like to be really special in someone's eyes. I long to know what it's like to have someone who thinks the world of me. I, on the other hand, feel like I'm "just another girl." That's all ANYONE ever seems to see in me! I'm always the one out in the cold. I'm always the one who gets forgotten about. Some other girl is always that beaming girl with the adorable boyfriend who loves her enough to do anything for her. Guys see me as just another girl. Sometimes I feel like the ultimate generic girl. I would like to have a relationship with someone I love who returns my love, but I can't imagine what a guy would EVER see in me. I've never felt like I was stunningly attractive. I've never been particularly scholarly. I've never felt like I was particularly talented at anything. All the things that I am good at are things that I really wanted to achieve. Occasionally, someone compliments my artwork, or my handwriting. I swim better than most people.My best qualities are my swimming, and my handwriting. Wow.I'm the kind of person that has a goal, and I'll go to any means to achieve my ends. For example, I play the guitar but I feel like I have no natural talent. I know that this sounds delusional but I made up my mind that I'm going to be great, but I practice until my fingers are bloody and some people barely practice and they sound perfect. People are impressed that I speak Spanish, but I have that ability because I bent over backwards and made a series of sacrifices.Few things really come to me naturally, and I've never thought of myself as talented. I feel like I'm average in every way. Why would someone pick me, when nothing sets me apart from the other girls out there? I look at all the other girls who have boyfriends who love them, and I wonder, what would a guy EVER see in me? What sets me apart from the other 3 billion girls? Obviously, if a boy likes a girl it's because he sees something in her that sets her apart from all the other girls. I'm afraid that no one would ever see anything special in me. Sometimes I feel like the ultimate GENERIC girl. I feel like that's all guys EVER see in me: I'm just another girl. I'm going to be honest, I used to really love a friend of mine from college. A year ago I was heartbroken when he got a girlfriend (they've since broken up and he has someone new). My love for him has faded, and I'm not sure he's the one anymore. But, in spite of that... it hurts. Why? Because he's always treated me like a potential sexual playmate. He put pressure on me to have sex with him, and I'm not like that. I don't want to be a sexual playmate because that's not good enough for me. But, what hurts is that whenever he doesn't have a girlfriend, he makes it clear that he wants to fool around. But, when he gets a girlfriend, it's always another girl. I'm good enough that he thinks of me as a prospective sexual playmate, but I'm not good enough to be a potential girlfriend. Even though my love for him has faded it makes me jealous that I wasn't good enough but someone else was. No one ever sees me as anything but a generic throwaway girl.I'm crying out for love and I feel like I'm starved for it. I'm a teacher, and I like teaching Spanish, but I deal with some rough kids. When a kid calls me a stupid bitch or threatens to slash my tires or a child's father threatens to "kick my ass"... I can't help but think to myself that somewhere out there, some other girl is wrapped in a loving embrace, being held and cherished. Some guy is speaking words of love that he'll never say to me. It makes me jealous to think that some other girl is getting loved while I have to fight battles every day. I'll keep my opinion of his current girlfriend to myself, because it's not relevant, but it makes me feel angry and resentful that he never thought I was good enough for him, but when he finally found a girlfriend, I got thrown away. Like a stray dog that bit the baby.No one ever seems to see me as a possible girlfriend!I'm ALWAYS the throwaway girl. I'm always the fallback girl, or a potential sexual playmate.It's so embarrassing that I've never been "there" (you know what I mean). I'm 29 years old, and never once. I can't bear to sleep with someone who is gonna throw me away for someone he loves because that would be so humiliating. I understand that we all love people who don't reciprocate our love. I get that. But, why is always me? This happens every time I meet a boy I like. I'm never the one who gets picked. It's always some other girl. I'm always the one who gets forgotten about. I've never known what it feels like to have a boyfriend who loves me back. I get hurt, time and again. I'm usually able to put this aside and focus on other stuff but something happened this morning to make me really sad and I've been crying and I'll go nuts if I don't get this off my chest.I don't want to be different in a BAD way (ie, a disability or illness). I want to be special and stand out for something. I wish that I could be more than just another generic girl. I have many wonderful friends, some of whom I love DEARLY, and it's not that I don't trust them, I just feel guilty about burdening them with my problems all the time.If you've read this, thank you for just reading it because I know it's windy.
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male
reader, DLover  +, writes (22 March 2009):
First, I want to tell you I read your text two times: don’t be so sad, I share your pain about love relationships: even though I am a man, those things happen to us too. You are suffering from the Impostor syndrome: you don’t know what people could love in you, because you are just you. However, I can tell you that you are way more that what you see of yourself : you have accomplished great things. The first one that jumps in my eye is that you have, like a small fraction of the population, an university diploma, and not only you have, but you are succeeding in your job (and a hard one !).
It is natural that not everything comes naturally: like the title of some book says: « Sex Is Perfectly Natural but Not Naturally Perfect » and so are a lot of things. In life, you don’t get what you deserve, you get what you negociate. I never had sex yet and of course I don’t like that, but I do think I will. Not only I will, but I will with someone I’ll love.
To achieve goals, make steps. For exemple, I decided to get to know myself better than I ever did, then get to know women, then learn how to seduce, then go on a dating website (and not a random one…). Give yourself a time line : I have planned to go on the dating site right this fall. Do the same, it might work: it’s a game of numbers.
Also, I would like to tell you: people feel you insecurities when you approach them. That’s not very sexy and it can be temporally fixed by learning some seduction technique (but since you are a woman, a nice red dress might do the trick alone), then getting rid of it when you feel confident enough of how full of qualities you really are. This will project the occasional “failure”, or non-success, on something out of you: the technique or the dress.
Also, if you find any error in my text, know that I am not a native English speaker: my mother language is French.
A
male
reader, DLover +, writes (22 March 2009):
First, I want to tell you I read your text two times: don’t be so sad, I share your pain about love relationships: even though I am a man, those things happen to us too. You are suffering from the Impostor syndrome: you don’t know what people could love in you, because you are just you. However, I can tell you that you are way more that what you see of yourself : you have accomplished great things. The first one that jumps in my eye is that you have, like a small fraction of the population, an university diploma, and not only you have, but you are succeeding in your job (and a hard one !).
It is natural that not everything comes naturally: like the title of some book says: « Sex Is Perfectly Natural but Not Naturally Perfect » and so are a lot of things. In life, you don’t get what you deserve, you get what you negociate. I never had sex yet and of course I don’t like that, but I do think I will. Not only I will, but I will with someone I’ll love.
To achieve goals, make steps. For exemple, I decided to get to know myself better than I ever did, then get to know women, then learn how to seduce, then go on a dating website (and not a random one…). Give yourself a time line : I have planned to go on the dating site right this fall. Do the same, it might work: it’s a game of numbers.
Also, I would like to tell you: people feel you insecurities when you approach them. That’s not very sexy and it can be temporally fixed by learning some seduction technique (but since you are a woman, a nice red dress might do the trick alone), then getting rid of it when you feel confident enough of how full of qualities you really are. This will project the occasional “failure”, or non-success, on something out of you: the technique or the dress.
Also, if you find any error in my text, know that I am not a native English speaker: my mother language is French.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): Gosh -- you sound like a real catch to me -- really.:) So many 29 year olds have baggage, kids, slutty pasts. Keep at it, and look for that GOOD guy. Around this age, guys also want to start getting married, and settling down, but it's hard to find someone who doesn't have baggage. If you lose the chip on shoulder, I think you'll meet someone. It's always when you're not looking.... Guys do not respect women who give up sex quickly. Don;t fault guys for wanting to have sex -- it's a very strong instant (physically intense) for men, much more so than women. Sex is beautiful and fantastic, a gift from mother nature. So don't be hard on guys becuase they want/need to have sex; it's in our nature to look for opportunities. Women are more choosy. My wife was in college, and liked a guy -- they had a few beers -- and she was curious to have sex and wanted him as a BF, and then she got used a couple of times. She was so humiliated, she didn't have sex for another 7 years 'til she met me. So don't rush into something you'll regret, but don't blame guys for wanting to do what is very natural for them. Guys always want to have sex, but for guys who love someone, it's such a strong instant and ultimate form of acceptance and communication -- it really is beautiful if you love someone: Guys feel that too. Desperation is not attractive, for men or women.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (22 March 2009):
 Wow. If I wasn't a 15 hour flight away I'd come and give you a hug.Don't worry about your talents. Most men, even good ones, are basically self-centred and they will love you for what you see in them much more than what they see in you. If there is a man that you are interested in, look and listen very carefully and try to understand who he wants to be and how he wants to be seen and then reflect that back to him. Men love women who see us as the person that we want to be.
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A
male
reader, OhLawdWhat DoIDo  +, writes (22 March 2009):
 I'll be honest and tell you I didn't read the entire of your message but it seems fairly obvious to me why you haven't found someone you love just yet. If you don't love and value yourself then how can you expect somebody else to? You claim you are not talented but have to work hard for everything you have achieved. Do you not think that being able to work hard is a talent in itself? You strike me as a very committed, intelligent and hard-working girl. A guy would be lucky to have you and its important you remember that! Stop seeing yourself as average when you are quite clearly not. Have some confidence in yourself and your abilities!
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