A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys.. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 months. Im 27 and hes 34. During the first 3 months everything was fine and it was great. He was caring, sweet, passionate, romantic, he listened to my needs and understood me. We’ve been fighting since the mid of January. There will be one week that we’re fine then the next week we’ll be fighting again. When we fight, he would get defensive everytime I say something and would turn it all back on me and it would turn into a huge long argument even over trivial things. He could brought it up again the next day and again and again. When I asked for solution , he always says “I dunno.. we fight constantly blab la bla”. He would say mean things (he never called me names), one time he would say he loves me then the other time he would be “I cant handle this anymore”. When I asked, “what do you want from me? What do you expect me to do? What do u expect us to do to work things out?” , he never gave me the answer. He just keep saying, we gotta figure things out. He said 3 times to me during huge fight that he doesn’t know whether we should be together or not, whether we belong together or not and that if we are actually compatible. When he’s in bad mood, he would push me away by acting cold. He hasn’t been affectionate with me lately. It’s like he wants in but he wants out as well but he couldn’t say it or decide anything. It’s like he has He admitted 2 weeks ago that he’s depressed with the work and money situation. I told him I understood , that’s why im still here by his side. He apologized for the way he’s been treating me. He realized that he pushing me away and he knew he shouldn’t have done that, but it’s just the way he is when he’s depressed. I have to say it’s been a rollercoaster with him. He has this extreme mood swings and he’s really sensitive. When he’s fine, he’s really good. He would say that im a great gf and that I get him blab la bla. He would apologized for everything that he said and told me he didn’t mean it. But it just feels like a time bomb where he would sweat the small stuff and we fight again. When I say or explain something, he would say me being defensive. If I say something I don’t like about him, he would get mad. But when he demand something from me, I always comply and try to understand what he wants. Everytime I explain something during a fight, he would call me being defensive. He’s always right, and im always wrong. He would say thing into 2 pages long just for me to figure out what he meant or what it is he’s trying to say. Somehow I think that he wants someone to just obey his words and comply to everything he wants but not trying to demand him. I told him that and I said that it shouldn’t always about what he wants. If we find disagreements, we both should try to solve and compromise. Just like I did, I would listen and explain when he doesn’t like something, ask him why he doesn’t like it, I would comply and try to understand him. One simple example and its really trivial: He’s always jealous with me, about my guy friends on facebook. He would get jealous over something simple like me posting pictures, guys likes my post or pictures or commenting on my pictures, or even when I added friends. I never ever flirted with any of them. I’ve been trying to assure him that I love him and I never played behind his back. I have no control of anyone commenting on my wall. When on his side, he doesn’t want to put “in a relationship” status with me or he doesn’t even have notifications when he added friends, and when I look at his phone one time he would think I don’t trust him. I mean I understand that he’s a private person so I never demand anything about it. And I never checked his phone, I only did it twice. I admit I have my insecurity and so does he. But my point is, whenever hes jealous I always reassure him but when im being jealous he couldn’t take it. And I was like, “how selfish he could be?”As for me, I am basically patient and understanding but after these 3 months with constant fighting, Im beginning to question this relationship. I felt like he doesn’t listen to my needs and doesn’t have the need to compromise. When he demands something from me, I comply. But when I say something that I don’t like about him, he would get mad and turned into a huge fight. I always try to work things out and would always be there when he’s going through bad things. I want to stay by his side but I can’t lie there are times when I just wanna walk away. I’ve been trying to understand what it is that he wants or needs. I always tell him that I’ll always be here if he needs me whenever he’s pushing me away. I’ve gone through hell and back with this guy. I love him so much. I really want to understand him but his behavior blows my mind. I’ve tried to tell him that relationship is not about winning the argument and proving that we’re right. It’s about compromising and understanding each other more. This has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I’ve been there for him through the rough times and I still wanna be there for him no matter what. I always forgive him for what he said or did just because im trying to put myself in his shoe. But he’s the type that couldn’t forget things easily and is not willing to forget and move on. He would brought up the case we fought last week or even last month. He just got a new job and this thing is really important for him. 4 days ago he went outta town to do some course for his new job and he told me that we need to take a break, he said only for a week when he’s there, just for him to clear his mind and focus on this course. He doesn’t wanna break up with me. He just need to focus on his new job and clear his mind. I went upset and I told him if someone wants to take a break with that means he doesn’t really wanna be with me. Shortly, I tried to respect his wishes and we hung up. But feels like I’m fighting against myself so I texted him that I couldn’t do this anymore and I want to break up. This is the first time I said break-up and I never said anything that leads to it if unless I really want it. I was at his house at that time, I went packed my stuff and didn’t know hes been trying to call me on my cell. He called me to both of my cells like crazy and sent me lots of messages wanting me not to break up with him. I picked up his phone and he explained that the reason he wants to take a break not because he would date other girls or anything, we would still talk everyday its his way of saying to stop us from fighting because he couldn’t handle fighting right now. Basically, we have different definition on this “take a break” words. I mean what would u expect when your bf said “take a break” to you? He said that he knew he’s said something that often leads to break up but he never relaly wants to break up with me. He said that he’s hurt that I said it cause I never said anything like that before. I told him that if we’re gonna stay together, he needs to listen to my needs instead of being so selfish on this relationship. He wants control, he wants me to listen to him, he wants me to understand him, but he doesn’t do the same thing to me. It’s all about him, him, and him. The whole world revolves around him . So we went fine again. I could tell that he still have resentment now because I wanted to break up with him. I apologized to him but he couldn’t seem to forget it, like I said you do one mistake, he will have hard time forgetting it. We rarely talk now but he would call me every night, it’s just not like him. We always communicate with each other during the day, saying whats up and everything but now I dunno.. im confused. Maybe I should just take it easy and not being so emotional. I’m really confused right now, I mean really love him and want to work this out and try to be more patient and understanding to him. But it looks like me being a doormat to him and it’s one-sided, I feel like im the only one fighting in this. I mean I took my responsibility for being insecure. But I never showed it to him until 1,5 month ago when I started feeling weird about him and he’s been acting distant and less affectionate with me. I just try to think positive that he’s depressed and tired of fighting , that why he does that I really need insight and advice from you about this. Im sorry for making it long.. . I dunno where to vent anymore. Any advice from you would be appreciated. Thanks!
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a break, depressed, facebook, flirt, insecure, jealous, money, move on, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (14 April 2012):
It sounds like communication problems. You look for a solution but he doesn't want to talk about it or claims to not know what a solution would be. He gets angry all the time over stupid things. When you talked about him having extreme mood swings and the jealousy, it reminded me of my relationship with my ex. He was bipolar and out-of-control, we argued nonstop and we weren't even together that long!
I'm not saying that your boyfriend is bipolar. But it sounds like he has a lot of his own issues (even growing up) to deal with before he could have a successful relationship with not just you, but anybody.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 April 2012):
 It's really as simple as two people don't work together. If I were a psychic I could tell you your numbers don't match and you don't see eye to eye. Why your boyfriend is still hanging on because this is typical dumpee behavior. He also knows that break up is a good idea, inside but he doesn't like to be the one dumped. He wants to wait another time for it to look like a mutual, one final decision. He is taking the break up personally, like you are saying he is bad and other guys are better so he wants to prove you wrong. At the end he will know that this is a good decision and it doesn't matter who dumps who.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you pinktopaz and janniepag.
I was just thinking what's wrong and this relationship?
Is there anything I could do to understand him or what is it that he wants from me?
Thank you!
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (14 April 2012):
I know this isn't the advice you want, but after 4-months together and you're fighting incessantly--you're just not right for each other.
You can make excuses for him and excuses for yourself, but sometimes two people just don't work.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (13 April 2012):
I was thinking the word doormat and then your last paragraph had it. I don't think he is a horrible guy, I am guessing you are incompatible. Men never want to be changed in a relationship while women always want to make improvements. This has become a cliche but my instinct tells me that's because most people aren't right for each other and they force themselves to stay together. I think the right man will fight for everything to win your heart. When you think about break up you better do it because no one wants to be in a relationship when the heart is not 100 percent in it. You are resenting your efforts not being appreciated. 7 months and already this much shit. I think you will be glad in the future if you end this now rather than years later still stuck in this. Honestly. It is your responsibility for your own happiness too you know.
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