A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex-fiancé was the man of my dreams. He proposed this year after dating for three years. A few months later, his personality suddenly changed. He became disrespectful and manipulative. He then admitted to having severe depression and anxiety and lying problems and picked up cocaine. I tried my best to encourage him to seek therapy and drug counseling but he refused. He has a deep fear of being controlled/changed and not being accepted for who he is. But I could no longer trust him and he was no longer the person I knew. He was hurting the both of us. He said that he destroyed all of his relationships the same way. That probably explains why he wanted to get married sooner than I wanted, because he knew he was going to lose me just like he lost all his exes. We finally broke up this week after me accepting he was unwilling to seek help or change. I sent a long letter to his family on the same day telling them everything in hopes that they can encourage him to seek help. I also explained that he ended all his relationships the same way. I explained what my own therapist had told me about all of his mental health issues. I told them that I loved him deeply but hope they could take it from here, but to not take it lightly as he needs professional help. His family was very emotional but very thankful for my email. I feel so relieved to leave a toxic relationship and even more relieved and thankful that he’s hopefully in his family’s care now. I could never live with myself if we had just broke up and I didn’t tell his family or get him help. Even though he made his own choices, he is in so much emotional pain. Unfortunately I had to leave for my own well-being. I don’t hate him and I couldn’t. I pity him and am heartbroken for him. I’ll never forget all those times he cried himself to sleep while I stroked him. Even tho he made his own choices, he wasn’t happy about it. I feel like I’m grieving someone who is still alive. I can only see my fiancé in my dreams now. He’s been replaced by someone else or perhaps this is the real him and the person I was going to marry never actually existed. I feel that he’ll always be apart of me. I’ll always have a place in my heart for him and worry about him. I won’t know what happens to him from now on and it hurts. I truly hope that he finds the happiness and guidance he has been wanting for so long. How do I let go and cope with losing someone to addiction and mental health issues?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2019): You are to be commended OP! Had you just broken up and never sent the detailed email to his parents, your ex was a dead man walking. By contacting his loving parents, you gave this man the potential for treatment and recovery from drug addiction! A lot of addicts do get set free from alcohol and drugs! Now you made the correct choice to end that relationship. You had to end it! How else could you give him the Tough Love that he so needed? He needs one other thing from you. He needs your loving prayers to HOLY GOD for healing from addiction and all mental and physical illnesses, for strength, and for perseverence to stay on his treatment program, all in the name of JESUS!!! The Bible says that GOD is not willing that any, should perish! Do not assume that your ex will perish, because with GOD, all things are possible! There is no distance factor in prayer OP! I pray for your strength and healing, as well strength, healing, and recovery for your ex! I should mention that I was a slave to drugs, but no more!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (14 August 2019):
 I'm so sorry for your pain. You are grieving not only the loss of all your hopes and dreams for the future with this man, but also the man you believed him to be. This "real" man must seem like a stranger to you after 3 years living with the man whose part he acted so well. You need to keep reminding yourself that that man is NOT real. Never was. Never will be.
It's early days yet and the main is made worse because you still care. You can't just switch off your feelings after 3 years together sharing plans for your future. You probably feel like you have been cast adrift at sea in a tiny boat without any way of getting yourself back to dry land.
You have done all you can for him and now you must walk away and show YOURSELF the same care you showed him, despite him shattering all your dreams in this cruel way. Do whatever you feel like doing. Spend time with others if you feel like it. Spend time ALONE if you feel that is what will serve you best. Cry if you need to. Rant if it makes you feel better. Maybe write down your thoughts and feelings as a form of therapy. Look for a hobby in which you can immerse yourself so that you have less time to pine.
Don't think of it as GOING through pain; think of it as COMING through it. One day you will suddenly realize that you thought about him a little less today than normal and you will realize there is light at the end of the tunnel. In the meantime, take it a day at a time, an hour at a time, and be as kind as you can to yourself.
Thinking of you. All the best. x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2019): Typo corrections:
" I warned him not to get too involved with this guy; but did not tell him why."
*I had no right to disclose what was intimated to me, and he had not shown any signs of drug-addiction at that time. He was a picture of health.
"He had always been so sweet, likeable, and he's delightful to be around."
"He said the priest gave a sermon, and it was as if he was talking to and about him."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2019): Over the years I've lost good friends to AIDS, one committed suicide, and I have a living friend who became addicted to heroine. He is among the living that I also grieve. He was generous, had a heart of gold, and beautiful both on the inside and the outside. He gave me one of his pics he saved on his phone from modeling. He has the face of an angel. He wore dark long wavy hair, at the time.
When I first met him, he was fresh out of college; and in-love with a very lovely Russian girl. She also modeled. We hung-out together, they invited me to their house-parties. He is an immigrant from Spain (came to America with his mom at 4). They went back to Spain, she got married, and moved back to America. He achieved all of his college-credits; but never went back to finish his final senior semester. He was only a few credits from his undergrad degree! Instead, his girlfriend lead him into prostitution and drug-addiction. He showed-up at my door out of the blue; after a disappearance for nearly three years! He seemed changed. He was all muscled-up and buff from working-out. Mainly for his new trade! Hustling!
He needed a place to crash, and told me what had happened to him the past three years; but lied that he had quit heroine cold-turkey. He went through my liquor cabinet like a tornado! He went-out with my friends and I, and although he is straight; teased and manipulated drinks out of gay-admirers. He drew a crowd of men around him. He disappeared into the bathroom at the bar, with people for long periods of time. He didn't steal anything from me, but I did find an empty medicine bottle. It was some leftover expired-painkillers form an old car-accident injury. They were years old!
I knew what was going-on. I told him he had to go. He went back to live with his mother and step-father; but asked me for money. He had never renewed his visa; and the department of immigration was sending him letters. I could no longer be associated; because I knew he was a mess. I prayed for him. He did comeback to visit me several times since; and there were a few times I nursed him back to health, when he got messed-up. Once he was lured with drugs, then gang-raped. He refused to go to the police. I cleaned him up, fed him, and let him sleep. He slept for hours! I couldn't trust him; so no more stay-overs after that. There was nothing sexual going-on. He loved me dearly! I felt so sorry for him!
He met someone I knew, and charmed him into getting him an immigration lawyer, and paying-off some fines. He also had some minor legal-problems. The immigration-attorney straightened-out his immigration problems; but I would no longer allow him to stay-over. I was infuriated with my older-acquaintance, who was trying to buy his affections. He got frustrated anyway, he couldn't get him to have sex with him. I warned him not to get to involved with this guy; but did not tell him why. He's no fool, he figured he was the bigger player between them. Wrong! He told me everything, and confessed what happened.
He had always been so sweet, likeable, and he's delightful to be around over. It was now fake, and used for manipulation. He was dark and creepy. He gave-off a weird vibe. He would beg me to hold him when he had anxiety-attacks. He'd calm right-down. It was quite strange! He also suffered depression, and claimed to be visited by demons; whom he gave names. I'm a Christian, I can't have this in my home. His mother took him to Catholic mass once. He said the priest gave a sermon, and it was if he was talking to and about him. The voices in his mind told him to get out of there; and he ran out. He said I have a strange calming-effect about me. He needed to be around me. Oh, I wasn't falling for that! Although it seemed true.
You can only grieve and pray for them like the dead. You cannot be a part of their lives, or let them remain in yours; until they get the help they need. Even then, unless they are related, and completely rehabilitated; it is best to cut ties, and allow them to pass-away as though it was a loved-one gone to heaven.
Maintain the beloved-memories, but let him go. He's still in my heart to this day, but I had to let-go. I even removed his pics saved on my devices. I will always be compassionate towards him; but he cannot be an active part of my life any longer. You are a lovely and kind person. God bless you, my dear!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 August 2019):
 You ARE grieving. It's OK. Give yourself a little time to GRIEVE for the loss of a "potential future and partner".
What you DO need to accept (eventually) is that you are grieving for his POTENTIAL, not for the guy you lost. The guy you lost was NOT who you had thought he was or HOPED he was.
And secondly, YOU have to accept that YOU made the right choice. It hurts. Because you had some GOOD times, good YEARS with him. Or rather with his ALTER EGO. He knows FULL well that NO ONE wants a guy who doesn't WANT to accept and work on his issues and addiction. NO ONE. YOU can't FIX him with love. Love isn't duct-tape.
You READ him right when you said :" this is the real him and the person I was going to marry never actually existed." No, the guy you were going to marry was a facade, an alter ego. HE is SMART enough to know what women wants and hide what they don't.
I also think he has commitment issues. He PROPOSED and then showed the "real him". Because he KNEW it would push you away. That way it would be "your fault" that the marriage didn't happen and relationship ended. He obviously has a pattern of THAT behavior.
I think you DID the right thing. Doesn't mean it won't hurt.
You also handled it with class when you told his family that you care about him and HOPE they will encourage him to seek help. My guess is they knew already. They just pinned their hopes on YOU to "fix" him.
Remember this, HE CHOSE cocaine over you.
Go watch some of Matthew Hussey's videos on YouTube. He is amazing and helpful.
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