A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is quite complicated but I will shorten it to my best ablilty.Basically I met this guy. We have met once previously a few years ago, but the contact this time was purely online. I find it a safe medium for me as I am still coming to terms of childhood abuse, which has left me emotionally struggling when it comes to dating. Things were ok, I avoided meeting up, just because I was so painfully shy. Odd as in reality I'm not so, just when it comes to men. Things turned quite sexual, and at first I flipped. He kept coming back, and said that he was sorry and insisted I could trust him and that he wasn't out for sex. I carried on talking to him, but occassionally would have another 'moment'. And he would come back. After a while I asked him to meet up, but he was busy. I don't know if its something to do with being in control because of my past, but everytime he didn't respond I would go mad. Gradually his texts and messages lessened to the point of ignoring me completely. He explained it was because I was always putting him down and accused him of just wanting sex. And then he would come back. After a final stance of him ignoring me, it spiralled me into a frenzy of depression. I told him I wanted nothing to do with him and then text him and told him everything, and apologised for my behaviour and explained it was because of being abused as a child. Something I found hard to do. He never replied. I plucked up courage to phone him and left a message asking to meet me so we could talk and at least clear the air. I'm going out of my mind. I was abused as child but it doesn't make me a bad person, and I don't understand why he won't let me explain and see theres more to me than this. I don't expect to have a relationship with him or anything, I just need him to understand me. I've never had sex, which he knows and I know the first person I do needs to be very understanding. I had hopes for this guy after all his talks of trusting him, and how he didn't want to use me, but unless it was something sexual he didn't seem interested. I feel like I'm falling apart. And it makes me despise even more the people who have made me like this. I just want him to understand. At the moment I'm thinking of leaving it a few days to see if he gets back to me and if not attempt to expain myself in an email, but I feel so broken. I just need him to understand.
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female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (29 November 2008):
 In my experience with men, most aren't interested to understand us the way we have a need to be understood. Its a drain on them and they are more rational minded. Men seem to just want to feel emotion without complication.
Its sad when you want so bad for someone to know you the way you know yourself. But we really can never know another, know what is in their head and how they experience reality.
Often men loose patience because it comes off like drama. They also get their own impression and stick with that and its frustrating when you know they get it all wrong.
I guess all you can do is accept that people can't really understand anything beyond their own reality, inside their own head. Maybe if you try to relax it could help? Unfortunately we have no control over others ability to comprehend what we want them to.
maybe someone else here knows the secret!
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