A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Is there anything advice...I worked w/"Sam" and We became friends. Sam always said he wondered why our friendship grew as deep as it did (he was happy about this) and was very comfortable around me even if we were in the car in silence. We had a good friendship where we shared our problems and spoke on the telephone. As time went by I leaned on "Sam" and Sam was there for me. Sam is a very christian man who feels stressed if somebody says something negative about him. He feels obligated to help people because of his faith. But he also has a very good heart.He says he shows people he cares about by helping them.Sam had just gone thru a divorce and I tried to help him and be there for him. We saw each other everyday and had playdates with our children. After I lost my job I turned to Sam for comfort and he was there about two times and then stopped calling - he would call about every ten days - or I would call upset that he had just disappeared.I had even sent letters to Sam telling him to hang in there with his divorce and his grandfather was dying...The kids sent his kids pictures they drew and no response from Sam.I also was going thru some tough times where a neighbor was killing my rescue animals (potbelly pigs). I called Sam angry that I had needed his help thru this. Finally I asked Sam if he wanted me to stop calling (I wasn't calling alot - except for the week the pigs were dying and only then I called three times - one of th epigs had suffered to death and Sam was my only close friend)Things were so dangerous I had the kids stay with their dad for a week - I'll explain later lets cocentrate on this problem? :)). Anyway I asked Sam if he wanted me to stop calling and writing and he said yes. That he wasn't telling me to say good bye he just needed space and time alone to get thru this time in his life. That I was the kind of friend that needed a friend everydayish and he wanted just a casual friendship. That I was to needy. He said if I wrote that put pressure on him to have to call. I was there all the time for Sam and though we did not always see eye to eye on what a friend is I have come to the realization that I was actually one of the problems Sam was having.I wouldn't go away. In hindsight he recently had been droping clues the whole time that he had wanted me to go away. But at the same time he would say he missed me, and was happy when I called and didn't want me to get off the phone. After he admitted he wanted me to stop contacting him Sam asked if he could stop by sometime after he had had enough time to get control of his life. I said yes. Since then I have read books on letting go, and that conversation was three weeks ago. I changed my phone numbers (I had the telephone company say the phone had been disconnected - I didn't want him to know I had changed it so he could not get a hold of me - my gut knows he would not have but I couldn't keep checking the caller id to see if he had called. I got rid of everything he gave me - all the letters - everything. I am embarrased that I shared my feelings and opened my heart to somebody who wanted me to go away. In hindsight I realize that Sam would tell me to lean on him (and get upset if I implied I felt he wasn't sincere) and then he would get colder towards me (hence me questioning his sincerety).Sam has made no attempt to get a hold of me knowing how dire my situation is. He knows my work number. I have no desire to see Sam again - but I keep hoping that I am wrong - my heart yearns but my mind laughs. I plan on returning any letter he writes (not at this address). I feel that this is what is best for both of us. He will feel he has to call - and I don't want a person checking on me out of guilt. He knows I will be moving soon (hopefully). He had said he is worried that by the time he feels he has recentered himself I will be gone. I will be.I feel like I fell in love with somebody who never even liked me. I feel humiliated. For the first time I won't have anything to say if I saw Sam again. If he showed up at my front door (I am in the country about one hour away).The only thing I can think of saying is that "I realized in hindsight that the whole time I had thought I was helping you with your problems - I was actually one of them". Any advice to help me get thru this. I cry a lot because I miss him but know you can't make somebody care...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 April 2008):
 I disagree with your belief that God only give us peace in the after life..
If you know God , He will give you the peace here on Earth and the afterlife.
I found God and I found His peace .No matter what problems
come into my life, I know it is for my own good because it will make me stronger.
If you don't go through a storm , you will never be a good sailor.
Even when strong winds are blowing at you ,
you can still be at peace because He protects us and He will
not allow anything more than you cannot bear.
He did not take the ladder from your place because he had
hopes that you will be back together again.
The problem as I see it is you are being too clingy to him .
Pray for your b/f and that God will touch him and let him see the light.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello,
Thanks for the advice. I am a Christian and have prayed but God never promised us we would find peace on this end, but in the afterlife thru our belief in him. So God is helping me grieve. Holding me while I cry. I need to grieve. I want to feel every moment. When my ex left 5 years ago I started to drink (have not had a thing in three years). Alcohol is not the answer, my belief that God will carry me thru is. I need to grieve. And I don't know how long it will take. I still have a good life but Sam is a loss for me. One thing I forgot to mention, the night before Sam told me to go away, he had been at my place and I asked him to take his ladder. I heard him say under his breath that if he did, then that would mean it was really over. Then the night he said for me to go away he said to just keep the ladder, he did not want to come get it...he didn't want to come out here. In hindsight it seems like an odd thing for him to have said when I asked him to take it when he was here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello,
Thanks for the advice. I am a Christian and have prayed but God never promised us we would find peace on this end, but in the afterlife thru our belief in him. So God is helping me grieve. Holding me while I cry. I need to grieve. I want to feel every moment. When my ex left 5 years ago I started to drink (have not had a thing in three years). Alcohol is not the answer, my belief that God will carry me thru is. I need to grieve. And I don't know how long it will take. I still have a good life but Sam is a loss for me. One thing I forgot to mention, the night before Sam told me to go away, he had been at my place and I asked him to take his ladder. I heard him say under his breath that if he did, then that would mean it was really over. Then the night he said for me to go away he said to just keep the ladder, he did not want to come get it...he didn't want to come out here. In hindsight it seems like an odd thing for him to have said when I asked him to take it when he was here.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (7 April 2008):
If you are a Christian, I would advise you when you go into
prayer, tell your burdens to Jesus and he will give you the
peace in your heart and heal your hurts.
If you are a non Christian, grief for a short while only and
accept whatever happens and be at peace with your surroundings.
Then you need to take stock of the situation and move on.
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A
female
reader, Temerity +, writes (7 April 2008):
Hmmm, that is a tough one. From everything you've said, I wouldn't put the blame on yourself. Sam seems like a seriously complicated person. He feels he has to please everyone and isn't realizing that doing so.. which really was lying instead of being honest with you really hurt you. I honestly think that anyone in that situation would have done the same as you. He's too ambiguous. He needs to learn that about himself. So don't beat yourself up. In the meantime, I would keep myself occupied.. reading stuff that doesn't involve that situation. Watch a lot of (non romance) movies. Anything really. I hope you get over this.. and fast :) Good luck.
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