A
male
age
30-35,
*atter_Tot
writes:Hi, i need some advice. I have been dating my Girlfriend for 10 months now. i do lots of things for her. i love her to death. but some times she is a mega bitch. like out of no where. She also can do whatever she wants and i cant. she tells me who i can hang out with pretty much and she can hang around whoever. I also have been making her car payments and helping her with gas money. i have a job and she starts in june, and promises to pay me back. I feel like i do everything for her. what should i do??
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male
reader, Tatter_Tot +, writes (5 May 2010):
Tatter_Tot is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice. I really like the ideas and some days i feel like she does have more power over me and then its opposite on other days. reading your ideas has helped a lot. especially the money part. thanks for the help. :D
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (2 May 2010):
 Tatter,
Your relationship has an unbalanced power structure. That is not all that unusual. It can be a bit dangerous. Most girls are more interested in a man they see as powerful. So she could lose interest in you, not despite that you do as she says but, because you do as she says.
I am a littler worried about the extent of her power over you. A good indicator is that you are uncomfortable. To me that means that she has taken power that you were not willing to give. She is holding you hostage. Now if you were willingly giving her money and power I would say ok you have allowed this and are happy with it, go ahead. As I see it you do whatever she says because you are afraid that she will drop you or withhold affection. You can't live in that kind of fear.
What I'm trying to say is that regardless of where the power balance lies, you need to base your relationship on trust and love. Not on fear and jealousy. To be healthy you need to put your foot down and say (in your own words) "I'm not comfortable with you telling me what to do in this area". "I'm not going to do that". "I can't afford to give you that".
If she can't agree to give you the level of personal freedom you feel comfortable with, then your relationship won't work. A Trust Trust relationship is what you want. What you have is a Jealousy Fear relationship. She is afraid you will stray so she makes rules for you. You are afraid she will leave you so you obey those rules.
Women are being taught that this is a good way to run a relationship by men who are so untrustworthy that they have to have that kind of rule to be faithful. Men are less willing to put their foot down because they want to be thought of as sensitive and understanding and not as cave men or chauvinists. The truth is that the Jealousy Fear relationship won't last. Even if the guy deserves it.
About the money, we see a lot of this from the other point of view. A lot of women being used by guys who live at their house, eat their food, play all day and contribute no money. Your situation is some what different. You are giving her a loan with no security. That creates another power problem. On the one hand if you stop helping her she could lose her car. On the other hand if you upset her you could lose the chance to get paid back.
There is a way to handle this in a loving relationship. When ever you give her money you have to, in your mind, Consider the money as a gift, and never expect it back. If she does repay accept it as a gift. Now you have given her a considerable amount of money. What you have to decide is is she more valuable to you than the money. Right now you are unsure about her.
I'm not sure how this is going to work out. To me your relationship does not look strong enough to survive it. The good news is that June is only a month away. She will likely not be able to repay you as quickly as she borrowed from you. The sooner she can pay you the sooner you can remove that added stress from your relationship.
FA
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