A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I have gotten myself into a really, really stupid situation here. My boyfriend and I have been in a very passionate and loving relationship for about two months and I'll just skip the part where I tell you all how perfect everything else is. Otherwise I'd be asking more questions here! Very early on, he told me about how he used to have threesomes with these two girls, and at first, I didn't even give it a second thought because everyone has a past. It was only when we began having sex that the insecurities began to creep in. As things get more and more intense, it absolutely kills to know that no matter how I kiss him, or touch him, he's had it twice as good as what I could ever do. Because it's impossible for me, just one girl, to compete with having two at once!!It gives me so much performance anxiety every time we get intimate, because I always feel so much pressure to "measure up" and get him off. My own pleasure gets lost in the process because I am so concentrated on it being good for him, since I am constantly psychologically competing with two girls.Here's the thing, I KNOW this is absolutely crazy!! I have absolutely no idea how to let it go, and it is seriously affecting my intimacy with him.This is where I need an opinion. I'm torn on whether or not to tell him how I'm feeling. On the one hand, I feel like I should be able to share my feelings with him, and be open about something that's bothering me so much. On the other hand, I feel like if I tell him, I am risking sounding insecure, jealous, and weak. I feel like this would not be fair to him, because he makes me feel so secure otherwise. I also think I would be risking him thinking there are things he can't tell me. Should I tell him how I'm feeling, or is this something I should really be working out myself?
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insecure, jealous, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (28 September 2014):
 I'd bet money hs 'threesome' never really happened, He probable had a fantasy about one and thought if he 'dropped it on you' you might get all kinky with him and tell all your fantasies.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (25 September 2014):
Dear OP,
Reading your follow-up everything now becomes way more clear.. YOU made him insecure, honey. Because, being a bisexual woman myself, I know how guys struggle to accept this. And it's a very common prejudice of straight men that they think bisexual people are happiest by having sex with both genders.. preferably at the same time. I know this is hard to believe, but I used to date men for a while now, and mostly my dates became very awkward after I mentioned I was bi. To a lot of men, when you say "I am bisexual" that is the same as saying "I'm promiscuous", "you will never fully satisfy my sexual needs", "I am a closeted lesbian".. etc.
So, if you worry about your boyfriends sexual needs.. I am sure he is also secretly worried (or excited) about yours. He mentioned the threesomes either because he is scared you might leave him if he's not open-minded enough, or he wonders if you have a kind of swinger-attitude that he may find exciting.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 September 2014):
 OP
If being in a 3-some was so awesome, why would he settle for dating ONe girl? Maybe because YOU are enough? Maybe because it actually IS a better experience with one person?
I have never partaken in 3-somes, but I have quite a few friend who have. And like Euphoric29 mentioned it didn't live up to the fantasy.
You might think you have to compete with 2 girls, but in reality all you are doing is competing with yourself and YOUR imagination. ENJOY your BF and let him ENJOY you, now the " I got to be better than all other girls" girlfriend.
I have had better then my husband, and I have had worse. It's a fact. Have I told him that? No. There is no need. What we have is OURS and you can't compare it like you compare two cars or apples.
YOU BF didn't tell you that he was ruined for sex after 3-somes? That he can ONLY enjoy it with at least 2 women? No, because that isn't reality.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reassuring words.
Normally, I don't usually believe in sharing information about each other's sexual pasts. But he just kind of blurted it out when we were talking about my bisexuality. I think the fact that he shared that with me shows that he is very comfortable in the relationship. I really appreciate the perspective of someone who has actually been in a threesome, since I am so uncomfortable about asking the details of his. I always imagined it being a perfect porn like experience. It might help to know that I have had two relationships fail because of the man having an out of control pornography addiction. So perhaps that is playing into this somehow as well.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 September 2014):
 You need to work through this yourself, no matter if you tell him how you feel or not. You could perhaps tell him that you don't want to hear more details about his past sex life. That even when you don't judge him, and everyone has a past, you just find it hard to not focus on it while you and him have sex, and so you would like him to be cautious about sharing information with you about his previous sex acts. Also, because of the information you have been given, you need to take things slow a little while now while you sort things out in your head, so you aren't affected by the negative thoughts. You could say something like that. If you feel the need to talk about it.
However, if I were you, Id NOT talk about it. Insecurities breed insecurities. If you tell him about you being insecure, then he gets insecure, and before you know it you're both walking on eggshells around one another and neither are happy. The root of your problem is your insecurity, however you twist it. So, your insecurity, already present in your head, is triggered by this new information about his sex life. Note the irrational comparison you make between yourself and two imaginary girls. Also note the irrational thought that two girls are somehow better than one, when we all KNOW it's about the person you're with, not about x number of hands or lips. So your irrational insecurity was already present BEFORE he told you about his threesome. If it wasn't a threesome, I bet you there was something else he did, or does, that would have triggered your insecurity. Hence, there is NO POINT in talking to him about it. Because his threesome isn't the problem, it isn't even the root of the problem. The problem is your insecurity. Trying to shift the problem over to his threesome just results in him also becoming insecure, and not knowing where he stands with you.
Better then that you tackle your problems and irrational fears: why are you afraid he's had better? Why are you afraid you're not enough? What are your past experience that may have caused you to feel this way? Are your thoughts/fears logical, or rational? Ask yourself these questions. Then once you find the answer, remind yourself of this EVERY TIME the strange thoughts pop into your head. Eventually, you will learn to dismiss them and ignore them.
Remember, insecurity breeds insecurity. By ignoring it and not paying any attention to it, and killing/silencing the thoughts right away, the insecurity will vanish by itself. But if you start to think in those patterns you are feeding it, and it becomes worse. That's how insecurity works. Feed it, and it becomes worse. Ignore it, and it goes away over time. Be FACTUAL at all times. Never assume. Insecurity and irrationality can not survive when you deal with facts, because they live in assumptions.
FACT: A threesome is not better than sex with a loving partner.
ASSUMPTION: A threesome is better because two girls are better than one.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (25 September 2014):
Dear OP,
First of all, I think you should question your opinion about the topic of threesomes.. and then you can also talk to it about your boyfriend, because I believe relationships get better, the more you can share with each other and the more you can trust. To see how he will deal with your insecurities can be really helpful for developing a great relationship.
I have been involved in 3-somes two times and both of the times, I found it way less exciting than just having sex with one person. 3-somes are on top of the list of sexual fantasies, but I think that this fantasy is often less exciting in real life than it's in your head. It's chaotic, who-does-what-now?, and there is no real intimacy. The fact that your boyfriend is with you now, and seems to be happy, speaks for itself. The 3-somes he had, that was something on his bucket list. He did it and satisfied his curiosity, like a young man should. It would be bad if he was too insecure to explore his fantasies.
But right now.. he's ready for a real relationship, with you, and this should be the important thing to focus on. And I think you are wrong.. the sex with a person you love.. it can be so much more exciting than sex with two strangers/friends/acquaintances.
If you can't let this go, then maybe just ask your boyfriend how this experience (3-some) was for him, what it meant for him and if he misses it right now. You'll find out if you should be worried.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2014): Look. You obviously are insecure as many girls are now a days. I think from experience that you should hint at it from time to time about your feelings that way he doesn't feel attacked or embarrassed about it. If he has not mentioned a threesome with you and another girl, he obviously does really care about you. Good luck girly
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (25 September 2014):
 I have breaking news for you. Hes seen you as a threesome girl and threesome girl only, not a reltshp girl. Hes clearly still in party and have fun mindset otherwise why bring it up? It has no relevance to anything and hes stupid. Save yourself heartache and break this off. It doesnt matter whats hes said about any future its words and its bs. Youre a toy to him.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (25 September 2014):
My 'take' on this is he told you a little white lie to see your response. The odds of any guy having a threesome with 2 girls is about a zillon to 1(except in porn shows). Relax you're fine.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (25 September 2014):
You should not have to work it out alone. Tell him how you feel. If he has tue feelings for you he'll take care of it.Good Luck. My bet is he told you about a fantasy and it never REALLY happened.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2014): Don't tell him, and WHY would he tell you?? We all do crazy things in life at one point but we don't run and say it to our present partner about all ours past adventures.
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