A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi. i am dating this guy. i am a foreign living in USA for 7 years. he just got here as a refugee. we met 3 months ago. his english is very little but somehow we can communicate, we liked each other so we became friends first. now we are kind of bf/gf. he is from irak and i know about his culture because in the past i lived with a muslim family. in this time i have met all his friends from his country since he doesnt have family here. he lives with rommates i live in my own place. he comes to my place everyday after work and he cooks for me and take care of me. one day we shared social media and i discovered a picture of a girl with his name on it. the girl contacted me asking me who i am..etc. she told me she is his wife, she lives in irak, she is waiting for him. i felt devasted. i gave her my phone number so she called and he was in my place, they talked like for an hour off course in arabic and i didnt understand a word. i heard the girl crying and yelling him. he told me after that shes not his wife, is a gf from his past that has feeelings for him.anyway.. i have not peace since then. i feel hes lying to me. now he become very secretive with his phone but yet he wants to know who i talk to, who text me, he shows up at my work everyday, he always wants to knows where i am and who is with me. i am so confuse..i cant deal with the idea that i am here his entertainment while he has a girl in his home country. he swears hes single, that he loves me but he wont marry me. that stays on my head everyday. i love him very much but his words hurts me. do i am doing wrong staying with him? how do i cope with this feeling? i feel hopeless.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 May 2014):
 He's married and she is his wife.
Wanting to know where you are and who you talk to is not out of any deep love for you, but because his view of women is proprietary. You're HIS piece on the side and the other woman is HIS wife. I don't share my toothbrush with others but that doesn't mean I'm in love with it.
As you should already be somewhat aware, women where he comes from dress and behave much differently from Western women. I'm not talking about the small percentage of outlandish party girls here, but normal, every day women like us. And to them we are whores no matter how modest we are.
Understand that whatever kindness he shows you is because he's on your turf so to speak. You're here on your own merits, your status is far more secure than his, you presumably have the means to support yourself so you aren't reliant upon him. If you were living on his turf and dependant upon him, you'd see a very different side of him.
The fact that he's here (in North America) as a refugee from a country in chaos and from a region that has been notoriously hostile to the West should have been a huge red flag for you. Making his way here does not mean he shares our ideals. It's the peace and prosperity we have to offer that attracted him.
I'd keep my distance. Any future with him is fleeting if you're lucky and bleak if you're not.
Red flags all over this.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): She is his wife,in a country lile Iraq there is less likely that having a relationship out of marriage is allowed.
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