A
female
age
30-35,
*allifreygirl
writes:Hello Aunts! Your help will be greatly appreciated :)I started dating a good friend of mine a few months ago - we met at college a year or so ago, and we really hit it off from the start. We have a lot in common, including - oddly enough - that we both suffer from depression/anxiety. For the first time, I felt that I had someone to confide in and talk to about everything I was going through, and it felt really good to have someone who could open up to me in turn. The trust that we built from confiding in each other was definitely one of the factors that encouraged a strong friendship and ultimately a relationship.However, now that we're actually dating, I'm seeing quite a different side of him than what I saw when we were just friends. I've learned that his depression is much worse than I thought, and though I originally thought it was something the two of us could work through together, I no longer think that's the case. What frustrates me is that he doesn't seem to want to do anything to help himself feel better; I try to get him to get outside, take his mind off of his feelings by doing something fun, talk to a therapist, etc...but he remains stubborn and keeps telling me that "I don't understand what he's going through". It really frustrates me, because I feel like I care more about helping him get better than he does. And since I'm putting so much effort into helping him, I feel like I'm sacrificing my feelings in the process. Sometimes I find myself feeling more stressed and depressed, simply because he won't help himself and expects me to be there for him at every waking moment, which I simply cannot do.What also upsets me is how he guilt-trips me all the time, presumably because he knows how sensitive I am to his feelings. Whenever I want to go away for the weekend or visit friends, he doesn't get mad at me outright, but he puts on a sad face and tells me how he'll feel even more depressed when I'm gone. Other times, when I feel overwhelmed by his lack of interest in anything and simply need to get away for a little while to prevent myself from getting dragged down into such a mood myself, he gets upset with me and tells me that I'm the only thing that makes him feel good and that I need to stay with him if I really want to help. Clearly, he needs me, but I don't even think it's a romantic sort of clingy behavior - I feel like I'm his therapist, not an actively participating partner in the relationship. All we talk about anymore are HIS feelings, what HE wants to do, HIS opinions on everything.It hasn't been long, but I'm already feeling trapped, and I don't think I can stay in this relationship much longer. The thing is, even though I've told him how I feel so many times, it doesn't seem to sink in, and he still seems to believe that the two of us are perfectly happy and meant to be. I don't know what to say to him - I feel heartless if I tell him that I'm feeling overwhelmed by his depression and constant wallowing, but I don't know how else to say it. I've tried to help him, but I can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.So...what can I say to him? How can I say that I don't think this relationship is healthy for me, and that perhaps we should just stay friends? I know that the relationship benefits him, but it's not benefiting me, and I think it's time to start putting my best interests before his for once!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 I agree with Boonridge McPhalify on this one. Depression or no depression he is still being very selfish and doesn't care about how you feel or what you want. This relationship is draining you, it is easy to tell and it is bringing you down. I know you care about him, but you are not getting anything out of this relationship, you need to sit him down and tell him that. Tell him he needs to start showing you that he cares or else you are going to walk. He needs a wake up call and he needs to know that he will lose you if he does not start treating you better or getting the help that he needs.
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 he's very self absorbed whihc is the case in clinical depression. no one exists or has any needs only them.
thing is he will make you feel worse in time and really lets look at this as though it were any other relationship.
he makes you feel guilty for having friends, only wants to talk about himself, makes no effort to get out and do things,expects you to be there whenever he feels like it. sounds like this is a one sided relationship where his needs are being met and yours are not.
depression or no depression he needs to be there for you and if he cannot do that what use is this relationship for you?
it all sounds very one sided and selfish on his part
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