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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My fiance and I have been together for 5 years, and we've been long-distance that entire time - he is in the UK, I am in the US. In the beginning, we decided that the only way the relationship would work is if we planned at what point we would be able to be together permanently. That time is approaching this summer - we will both graduate and he plans to move here, and we will be married shortly after. The problem is that in the last half-year or so, he has suddenly seemed very withdrawn and hesitant about the whole thing. He is still very loving towards me, but when I questioned him about his behavior, he told me that he thinks he might regret it if he comes over here to be with me because there are so many things he wants to do before getting married. I asked him if he wanted to break up, and he said that if we broke up, he "would be sad for a while, but he's sure that he would eventually be content without me." But then he also said that he didn't want to break up. Now I feel like I should break up with him, because I suspect that he is only staying with me to spare my feelings since we have so much invested in this relationship. I think he loves me, but I don't want him to regret being with me. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2007): instead of breaking up with him, you might consider just telling him what you said here - that you know he loves you but you don't want him to be with you out of guilt or a sense of obligation. b/c as much as you love him, eventually, you'd be okay, too, even if you're having none of the same feelings he's having.
this may pass or it may not. no need to be preemtive, just be honest with him and expect the same
A
female
reader, Reebe  +, writes (6 January 2007):
 5 Years you 2 have lasted at a very long distance relationship. I would suggest being a little patient with him, it is a huge move to make to leave all his family and friends behind, he as anyone would will be very nervous about doing this and that doesn't mean that he doesn't love you enough to do it. He probably needs to think about this a little more as time is soon approching. Maybe he could fly out and see you for a few weeks or longer if he can so you could talk to him face to face, or what about you coming here? It doesn't have to be are we on or off. Maybe he does have things to do before he gets married, could you not just you wait another year before he moves? I think he cares for you he's just scared of a huge commitment. Ask him if in a perfect world what he would like to happen now, and maybe you could come up with a compromise?
Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): I don't think anyone can tell you what to do or truthfully answer this question for you, only you can answer that.
It is really something that you have been able to maintain this relationship accross the pond for 5 long years, and I think it is much more complicated that your boyfriend trying to spare your feelings....I think he may just be in the process of making a decision that is going to be hopefully a long term one....I say just keep the lines of communication open and try to speak your heart and things will go as planned or you will make a new plan with or without him....but if you are not ready to throw in the towel on this one, then I say, you have waited this long, now let's see if you both will make the move to be together for once in your long relationship, that will be the test you are looking for...
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