A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband looks at porn when I am gone... he knows how much this bothered me because of the first time I found porn on the comp and then just recently he downloaded a CD to have virtual sex with some porn star and the a personal plaything for himself... he did this all behind my back and now I am not sure if he really does love me or what? I do feel insecure and I hate this feeling.. I thought we had a healthy sex life but this shows me that we do not. I feel like he's cheating on me, fantasising about having sex with another woman... is this normal????
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): What if the man is only looking at certain types of porn-fetishes and hiding them? Is it wrong if he has cheated on his wife and knows that she dislikes it? When is it not okay-CHOICE yes we all have a choice and you can choose to not look at the porn!
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (9 August 2007):
 Monkey Porn? Ha ha
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): Sorry, this is late, but as Eddie had brought up that not all men are like this and that, I agree of course. Female Anon on third post firstly need to use proper grammar. My gosh. Second, nothing is that absolute.
Eddie said "Is it objectifying women to desire them sexually because we are attracted to them? I think not. It's an attraction."
I made some home made sex videos and photo shoots of my girlfriend in compromising positions. She wanted me to dress up like a villain who captured her and tie her up with ropes. Then douse her in lube and have her wobble out of it. Now, I love that, but in Ms. Anon's perspective, the general nature of that entire situation would be wrong because I am objectifying porn and women.
So let me get this straight. It's objectifying women when I watch porn filmed of other women, but it's not objectifying women when I watch porn filmed of my girlfriend. Is that right?
Like in Eddie's first post, first paragraph, I utterly agree, "He should possibly spend more time with you as opposed to a computer." - and if all else fails, then leave his ass and find a man worthy of your love and effort. However, it's really too bad that this thread has turned into another debate for the extremist anti-porn and the ones with a more neutral mind frame.
Yes, I recognize that there are women out there treated worst because of their gender. Yes, women in general are pushed aside as men get the promotions. Yes, in many personal and tribal cultures around the world, women are made to stay at home, wear a veil over their faces, and cover their arms and legs and cleavage as property to their husbands. Yes, women are treated very unfairly in Saudi Arabia and Iraq. It's an ongoing problem.
Now to porn. YES, the traditional ideal of women being in porn was because they've had bad childhood, or they have been abused, and molested, raped, taken drugs, have some form of mental trauma, etc, etc, etc. In more modern times, the trend in growth in the porn industry is made up of many different types of people. FAT people, VERY VERY VERY FAT people, SUPER SKINNY people, married couples, grumpy old men, transvestites, homosexual men and women, glamour models who don't even do hardcore, midgets, my gosh, the list goes on and on and on and on and on.
Porn of yesteryear probably had more abused women and men than in today's porn industry. Yes, there are still some women and men who are abused - Crissy Moran being one, who recently stopped her porn career in pursuit of her religious meditations. Her life was riddled with abuse, but then when you put EVERY SINGLE WOMAN on the face of this planet together and say if they are in porn, they are abused, they are objectified.
Attraction, my gosh. I know exactly what I like. Even through the pages of Playboy, there are those who do it for me, and those who don't. I'm not talking about jerking off here. I'm talking about the sensual curves of a woman, how she moves, how she acts, how she talks, and how she thinks.
The traditional idea of a porn star is a big busted bimbo with blond hair, blue eyes, and bumps into things and giggling about strange and uncanny things. Well, if that's what you think, then you might want to do more research on that and attend a porn convention at Nevada that's held every year.
As for THE ORIGINAL Ms. 30 to 35, my apologies for adding to this thread, but a friend had suggested I read it and I am here. However, for you, it IS a lack of consideration for you that your husband looks at porn and stuff. There is that lack of consideration regardless whether men and women are by nature able to find others attractive on top of their own partners.
Integrity can be put to terms in different ways. Ms. Anti-Porn/Bad Grammar Anon here suggested that once married, a man should have the integrity to stop himself from looking at other women. That is an unrealistic ideal. Human beings, by core, want more, or at least, maintain what they have. How do you know you prefer the colour yellow over the colour purple? How do you know you prefer the VW Beetle over the Ford Mustang GT? How do you know you prefer a man with a chiselled unshaven face, with gray eyes, an awesome smile, brown short hair, and great consideration for his family and friends over another man who has long blond hair, green eyes, a goatee, small lips, and a great consideration in caring for babies at a nursery?
Men and women will continue to seek out things that they like. Either they act upon trying to acquire it or not, well, that in itself can be how strong their own integrities are.
You know your options, but are you willing to take them?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2007): For men, porn is just like sexual fantasy, i.e. morally wrong. Research has show that male monkeys that are given the choice will sacrifice a sip of their favorite fruit juice in order to see "monkey porn". This demonstrates the bestial and primitive nature of the effect of pornography. Any man who allows himself to feel aroused outside a maritally sanctioned attempt at reproduction is wallowing in perversion. I don't mean to seem harsh but eroticism is a serious problem for many in today's society.
You should consider finding a man with better spiritual control or else persuade him to get mental health therapy from a morally upright therapist. Even non religious feminists understand that male sexuality, outside of the control of a disciplined societal constraint system, is a dangerous and unhealthy thing. Feminists understand this because deep down, all women understand that male sexuality is the most easily corrupted aspect of human nature. Dabbling in eroticism can lead to unrighteous and permissive attitudes towards sex. But more importantly, male sexuality, while not sinful in and of itself, is the beginning of all temptation. Money and power are just means to the end.
If you really want to help him you need to use continuous but gentle reminders to embarrass but not humiliate him. Use jokes and quips to undermine his belief that not turning his back on his appetites is some how "natural". The appetites are natural - refusing to repress them is not. I also recommend cutting back on sexual activity with him; just enough that he learns not to take it for granted but not so much that he resorts to auto-eroticism.
Men in today's society have not been taught to feel shame which leaves them morally blind. Shame is now considered a dated term but it is actually a skill that women can help men master if both are patient.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007): I am in the same situation! i hate porn! Well, was in the same situation! I am 24 and my boy friend is 26. We have been seeing each other for 4 years. He was watching porn behind my back and was doing nasty 3-D computer games! I did the exact following and it worked! Confront him. Ask him why he has been doing it and why he didn't tell you about it. I asked him if he was doing it because he didn't think him and I had a good sex life. He said yes! Anyway we watched porn together and it gave us new ideas. He dosen't go behind my back anymore. If he gets tired of what we do, we watch more porn for more ideas. I still hate porn though! We have a grat sex life now and are engaged!
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (17 July 2007):
 Again, I disagree. You dismiss any chance that men may also have issues. In your eyes, men equal bad, women equal good. I'm sorry but it sounds like you have an axe to grind.
Let me ask you a question. If it's true that most men, who are abusers of women and children were also abused as children, why do we classify them as monsters and predators. Why do we not classify them as victims? After all, their actions would be a direct result of their past experiences. You also make general assumptions that show you're not really open to debate. Debate only works if you agree that you can be proved wrong on some points.
Specifically, you mention that most men in porn are fat and hairy. You intentionally paint a rotten picture of that them. You see them as part of the problem but you give the woman in the porn a free ride. How sexist is that? To even suggest that men in porn are "average" is ridiculous. To be honest, I don't know any men or women in porn. I also don't know any men that would be thrilled about performing for the world to see on film. That is a real leap you made to suggest that. I don't know any man that would consider it a status symbol to be in porn. I know many men who prided themselves on how many women they slept with but not on film. That is the difference between many men and women. Men hope to get lucky and women decide who gets lucky. I think, that while a man might not suffer the same social stigma as a woman from being in porn, it still is an indication that the guy has some issues. It's not normal behavior.
Ironically, based on the marketing that "victimizes" men, we're told of countless ways to improve our ejaculation, penis size, stamina etc. etc. Men have enough of a burden without that. And what about the women who pose for those advertisements. Are they victims of society or causing more stress for men? We're all victims of something.
Another example, If a kid grows up in a household where the parents are drug users/dealers, don't work, party all night etc. why do we jail the children when they grow up to be the same. They are victims of their parents poor parenting skills.
Would it not be easier to convince the 1% (your number) of women who make porn to stop than it would to get men to stop buying it? Men won't buy porn if women are not in it. I agree that it is mostly a product purchased by men. I do think there is a different attitude toward sex for men and women. Ultimately, women control the porn industry. As I said, if they don't participate, it dies a quick death. That is 100 % accurate.
All the examples I gave you come back to one thing...CHOICE. In all those examples, we have victims that suffer as children. At some point people need to stop being victims or at least take steps to get past those painful memories. If they don't, they perpetuate the problem. Some will never be able to help themselves. It's not a gender issue though, it's a personal issue.
Also to suggest that a porn movie a man made in his youth would not be so harmful years later is wrong. What makes you think he would not be embarrassed by his poor CHOICE. I agree there are double standards in this world but you have to admit men suffer too. also, people need to take responsibility for there choices.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007): Whilst I agree with you Eddie that there will always be victims I feel that as a human being with integrity it is my responsibilty NOT to support these industry...this includes not only porn but aso big companies that use low wages in desp-erate countruies to supply their goods. Yur arguement about the fact that without the women in porn , porn would exist is riduiculous.....of course there will always be people who make unhealthy decsions because of their life experiences however the % of women in the world who put themselves in porn would be less than 1% however the CONSUMERS (mosty males) make up a huge % f our poplulation. How many porn stars do you know as opposed to men who use porn?To even suggest that the fat hairy men (and lets face it mst of them in porn are just that) are there because of emotional issues relating to past sexual abuse is ridiculous. As a student of gender issues studies I can give you at least this much info...statistically the female porn stars have a round a 96% chance of having been sexualy abused as children.....this simply isnt the case for the males , who almost hold it as a status symbol to have been in porn... bet that you, like me would know many many men who wuld absolutely love to be in porn..Sure you can say,,,,,oh well regardless of the experiences that led these women to make the sad decsion to be in porn they have a choice so it doesnt matter but I choose to come from a different place ...one of compassion and recognition that it truely will ahve a devastating impact on that womans life...Imagine the day when she marries has kids and shes still out there is cyberspace with some fat old dude wanking over her...it simply is not the same for the male porn star ......I wont even begin with the research that shows exposure to eve mild porn decreases a mans opinion of the attractivness of his partner.Once again you state that we shouldnt be offended by our partners desire for sex because he wants it with us....but thats the whole point...if he 's eeing off women who are nothing like s then it makes it just a tad unbelievabe especially whe he then turns around and asks us why we cant look like the 20yr old childless bimbo with artificial breasts that he last after.You sound like an intelligent man but please look into the true facts and the gender inequalities that lie BENEATH the surface...I really think you would be shocked
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (16 July 2007):
First of all, I'm not talking about kids. Get that straight. That is wrong, morally and legally already. My answers are reasonable and you have no idea who actually considers them. It's obvious from your post that your mind was closed before any discussion began. Mine is always open. By the way, I feel sorry for anybody who has been abused. I don't dismiss their future choices though. If women REFUSED to work in porn, where would the porn industry be? Can you answer that? Where would it be without women?
You've done nothing but slag men. So if we take your argument as valid, and your belief that the women in porn movies are victims, what are the male actors? Are they victims too? Are they making porn movies because they lost their jobs as the CEO's of Fortune 500 companies? Your comments only condemned men. We're they abused as kids. What made them do this type of work?
There are victims everywhere. Obviously porn tends to appeal more to men than women. I think that's a safe guess. So if men are lining up to see porn, who's the victim? The poor slobs who are getting hooked on porn or the people, men and women, who get paid to make it? Who's the bigger victim, the drug dealer or the addict? The alcohol producer or the drunk?
Movies are not meant to portray people realistically, porn or otherwise. They are temporary escapes from life as we know it. The problem with what is marketed to the public, and it's not just porn, is that the public is generally gullible enough to buy into it. Porn is just one aspect of it. What about diet pills, cosmetic surgery, sports cars we don't need, credit cards, fast food, etc etc. People are always looking for something easy and quick.
I do not really use porn. Would I pick up a Playboy book if it was on the table in front of me....probably. Would I go out and buy it, never. That is the truth. What you fail to see is that people in porn make the CHOICE to be in porn. For every victim in porn, there are 10,000 more who are not in porn. For every guy who buys porn, there are 10,000 who don't.
Victims are everywhere. If the women who make porn are victims, so are the men who act or purchase it. So why don't you feel compassion for the guy who gets to a point in his miserable life that he has to resort to porn? What was he a victim of? Where did things go wrong for him? You see, it doesn't matter. It comes down to choice. Buy porn or don't buy porn. Act in porn movies or get a job at the supermarket. NOBODY who CHOOSES to act in porn can blame anybody for that choice. People make poor choices all the time. There are obviously many things that contribute to what makes us tick. Many people have a lot of baggage that makes life a difficult journey.
Society is a reflection of what and who we really are. We're bombarded with excess and things we don't really need. We're bombarded with CHOICES, from every angle. We are tempted to buy into what they try to sell us. It's hard to refrain. We think, if they're selling it....I must need it. It still comes down to choice. Of course people who are victims of anything might not make the best choices, based on their negative experiences. That is sad. But, along the way, there are many avenues to get help. We can not control everything.
Victims are everywhere. It all comes down to how you choose to split the hair and what side you support. If a person chooses to work at a fast food place for minimum wage and never gets ahead, are they victims of the establishment? Is it their fault because they didn't go to university. Is it the parents fault because they didn't save money to send the kid to university? Is it the grandparents fault because he was a coal miner and didn't have enough money to..... You'll never run out of victims. We have to deal with what we've been given. That is life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2007): Eddie just because there are demand for something does NOT make it ok...there a demand for human sex slaves to be bought and sold in parts of the world...does that make it right? You hae provided no reasonable argument over why your orgasm is imprtant enough to support an industry that thrives on women who were sexually aused as kids (the vast majority) and industry that does not represent women realistically only portraying thin young women but the en can and often do look like bg fat igs....When you have reasonable arguments that address these inequalities then maybe your answers may be seriously considered
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (15 July 2007):
I can understand that you're not thrilled at the extent he's gone to. The fact he does this does not indicate anything about his "love", generally speaking for you. Since it really bothers you, when taken to this extreme, it is a relationship hurdle for you two. He should possibly spend more time with you as opposed to a computer.
The anonymous reply sounds like she has a really big axe to grind against men on this issue. Don't buy it,she's wrong. Porn exists. Hookers exist. Fashion styles exist. These things exist because there is a demand. There always has been a demand. The demand is a result of nature. Some take it to an extreme, others don't. It is rotten in it's worst extreme and normal at the other end of the scale.
The anonymous reply states men are brought up to objectify women. That is rubbish. Some men perhaps, not all though. Is it objectifying women to desire them sexually because we are attracted to them? I think not. It's an attraction. We're built that way. We are different. That is not good or bad, just the facts. I don't think women are wrong, or men for that matter. I actually see the irony in the fact that we're quite opposite on many sexual things. If women were as horny as men, generally speaking, nothing in this world would ever get done !! Women have the sexual control and need to appreciate that, and, learn how to use it. It's a huge responsibility. This point is cut and dry. I'll give an example,
A man goes out on Saturday night hoping to get lucky. His definition of lucky is to hook up with a lady. This is a foreign concept for a woman. She needs no luck on her side. She determines the outcome of the evening. She, and only she, decides. If women were as free wheeling with sex as many men would like them to be, the world would be upside down. Does this make men wrong,pigs or have a lesser opinion of women? No, it's just the way things work. Men have a hard time figuring out why we have to ask for sex 10 times in order to get it 3 times and women can't figure out why it frustrates us.
The most important point is to figure out what works for the couple. If you mans sex drive is higher than yours. that doesn't mean you're "only wanted for sex" It just means he needs sex more than you but he still wants it with you" You're his first choice. That is a compliment, not objectifying you. You may be the "object" in his focus but what would you expect, you're the mate. When you want flowers,you expect them from him. Is that objecting him? No it's just hoping your mate fulfills the need you have, as a woman, to get flowers. ( don't yell, it's just an example)
Unless people are way off the charts of what's normal, men and women often have different expectations.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2007): believe me its got nothing to do with spicing it up....its simply a matter o a sense of male entitlement even in these days of equality...yu can have whatever u expect...honestl ...demand more and if he is not man enough to deliver find someone else who has total satisfaction with the love and body of a real life woman and doesnt need porn.....dont buy there crap about men being more visual...as argued on a science forum where it is discussed that there is absolutely no evidece of this (its simply men are brought up to believe its ok o obectify and degrade women) We could say women are more sensual therefore we should look for more mae partners with bigger 'members'...same thing...dont buy their excuses
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A
female
reader, JessAgonyAunt  +, writes (14 July 2007):
 Hey, awww hun you must feel awful, look he can't keep going behind your back like this!! you need to tell him to stop and ask him why he is doing it? try spicing up your sex life a bit by being more adventerous, take a holiday with just you and your husband. I think quite alot of men fantasise having sex with porn stars, so your not the only one is this situation.good luck babe- mail me if u wishxxxxx
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