A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I would love some advice. Me and my boyfriend have been together for four and a half years. We obviously have our disagreements and bickers and I've learnt throughout the years how stubborn my boyfriend is. He can acknowledge he's doing something wrong but he cannot apologise or back down first. No matter what. Instead normally when he's done something wrong and we have an argument due to it he normally will be quite defensive and argumentative. If I do something wrong he's normally quite laid back. I ALWAYS apologise regardless of who caused the argument, then a few hours later he will admitt that it was his fault and apologise. Anyway, I'm a staff nurse and work 13 hour shifts. Tomorrow is my boyfriends birthday and I have worked my shifts around his birthday so that I can spend the day with him and I've suprised him with a weekend away (he doesn't know it's part of his presents tomorrow). Anyway this meant that I worked wed, thurs, fri long days and then Sunday, mon, and today long days this week. So 6 13 hour shifts in 7 days. Yesterday I asked my boyfriend if he could pop to the shop when he finished work (4:30) as I don't finish until 8 and I had run out of things to take for my lunch in work. He said no problem and that he would drop them up after he had been to the gym. I rang him as soon as I finished work and he said that the plan was still fine and he would drop them up after around 9pm. I reminded him I had to be up at 5 the next day so not to leave it to late as I would have to make my lunch as well. 9:15 I rang him to get a rough estimate of a time, to which he told me he had called into his friends house for a cuppa. I reminded him I had to be up at 5 and didn't want to be making lunch late at night. He promised he would drop it up before 10. 10:40 and still no sign. So I rang him and told him how selfish he had been especially as I had to get up in 6 hours and he new that. In the end we had a blazing row and he didn't drop my dinner up and instead went straight home. Telling me I was making a drama over nothing. This morning I had to get up at 4:45 to go to the shop to get lunch before getting ready for work as your not allowed in shops in your uniform. I was shattered and have been tired all day. He text me saying 'sorry for last night'. That was all, no kisses or effort to make things better. I replied that he seemed like it and he just said okay then. I've heard nothing since. I'm really annoyed at how selfish he had been as I offered to collect my lunch from his house before he left for the gym. He said because I was tired and had worked so much not to worry he would bring them up. I really feel like he doesn't actually care about how selfish he has been and that when his friends are concerned I become bottom of the priority list. He knows that I've gone to a lot of effort for his birthday and I've arranged a lot of suprises. Tomorrow were supposed to be going out for the day. I don't know what to do, I don't feel like I should be the person to make things right. I also don't feel like he really meant his apology and I'm still so angry I don't want to accept it. However it's his birthday tomorrow and I don't want to be just as selfish as he has been and ruin it. What would you do?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 June 2014):
 I think you need to scale back your investment a little. When you put far more effort in than the other person it creates an imbalance which breeds resentment, on both sides.
Your boyfriend is not a reliable person, a fact you already know which is why you nagged him all night about picking up food for your lunch. However you choose to explain it, to the person on the receiving end it's nagging. And he never did pick up the food, did he? That was a lose/lose.
It was very nice of you to plan a special day for your boyfriend's birthday, but it wasn't an entirely altruistic gesture. Part of you is counting on him being inspired to treat you likewise. You've made a unilateral agreement in your head that if you do 'X' for him, he must do 'Y' for you, but he's not privy to this agreement.
Furthermore, he's interpreting your efforts quite differently. As far as he's concerned you do all that you do because you LIKE to and because it's inherent in your gender. If you like doing it, then that's just as much a boon for you as for him so why should he owe you? And he's a man so why should he be expected to do 'woman things'?
No amount of explanations is going to get through to him. You have to train him (or anyone else for that matter) to recognize and appreciate favours by being more selective in granting them. And you can be confident and upbeat about it instead of bitter and angry.
Something else worth mentioning is I think you're far too quick to contact him and respond when he contacts you. When he sent the text apologizing for letting you down, I'd have given myself some breathing space and let him stew in his juices a while. Keeping him on his toes would do you both some good.
As far as the birthday goes you can either politely back out and cite fatigue as the reason, wish him well, then leave it at that or you can go, have a good time but not be as bubbly as you normally would be. I don't mean sulking, just more philosophical. Your call.
A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (25 June 2014):
Don't "talk" before his birthday, you will likely just argue again. I think the idea of taking a short break is a good one. Tell him you want to be on your own a few days with no communication, a kind of retreat and refresh. Since you have found yourself getting mad with him a lot, you just want time to reflect upon things.
That will get him thinking about his behaviour. Make sure you have a great time if you do it. A lovely break from a naughty boy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2014): Sometimes you have to suck-it-up! You can't have a row each and every-time something goes wrong. You're behaving like his mother, and he's acting like a spoiled little boy.
For the sake of his birthday, and all the trouble you've gone through, just put all differences aside. Let him have his special day. You could use a little fun yourself. Live it up!
You've committed 4.5 years of your life to this guy. The only way you two know how to resolve a problem is to fight. He doesn't respect you. You've let him get away with that so long, he doesn't know any other way. Neither of you know how to communicate. You complain, and he shrugs it off.
He also has a poor upbringing. He was never taught how to compromise, or to respect women.
The only reason he apologizes, is because he knows there will be no sex; until you're no longer angry.
This has gone on for years. He is a poor choice of a boyfriend; and would be a disaster of a husband and/or father. You have never established your position to be respected within your relationship; and as far as he is concerned, you don't have one. His mother was treated the same way by his father, most likely. His attitude toward women is ingrained.
You're a spunky lady, and you'll scrap with the best of them. If you were in a relationship with a guy who respects women, you'd get the respect you deserve. You'd put your foot down, and he'd listen.
You're fighting a losing battle with this guy; because he sees your spunk as just being a bitch. "You're all talk. You have put up with it this long. So just bitch, get it off your chest, and shut-up. I'll apologize later when you've settled-down!" That is what goes through his brain my dear lady!
Here's how you handle it. Just stop bitching. Don't say a word. He's got you down like clock-work. Push your buttons, you go off, you get tired, and you shut-up. Stop being his mum.
If he screws up. Just stop doing things he likes that you do. DO NOT USE SEX AS A WEAPON! You'll deprive yourself.
You do little things he likes. Just forget to do a few and when he does something really stupid. Don't say a word. You can shrug your shoulders, gasp, shake your head. Don't go off. You will confuse the hell out of him. He'll sleep with one-eye open.
You're tired and grouchy from your long shifts. He's so much of a knuckle-head, he pisses you off a lot. He takes all that you do for granted; because he knows just how much you love him. He fears no consequences. You're all talk.
You yell, make idle threats, and you don't back it up.
Pack your things and move in with your mother and let sonny-boy fend for himself a few weeks. Oh, he'll hang out with his buddies; and have fun maybe the first few days.
Then he'll get to wondering what's on your mind. He knows most of the time; because he always getting a big chunk of it.
We get a lot of posts where the relationship hits a peak and starts sliding downhill between 4-7 years. Couples have about had it with each other, and the lady-side of the couple starts to realize this guy isn't even considering taking the relationship to another level. He keeps you too pissed-off to think. He's not marriage-material, and yet you love him so much. Frustrating as hell, isn't it?
Give him a great birthday, and start weighing your options.
You're still pretty young. You're a professional. Your options and opportunities are wide-open. Time to think of your future, and what it could be like without him in it.
Peaceful, if nothing else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2014): Pick your battles! It's not his fault your working long shifts and just because your made a big fuss of his birthday doesn't mean he has to do everything you tell him to do
Do wat other millions of people do buy it and make it the night before! You'll be arguing all the time if you nick pick I've learned that with my boyfriend, sometimes it's not worth it
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A
female
reader, sassylover +, writes (24 June 2014):
 Okay so I understand where u are coming from he is being out of order!! Ur trying to do something nice for him working so hard and what do u get in return nothing!! U need to tell him how u feel and that he is being so out of order!
As it is his birthday I wouldn't ruin his special day, either get it over and done with tonight or first thing tomorrow as u don't want to ruin his day. Just coz its his birthday doest mean its okay so don't be okay tomorrow and then start being off with him after...
U need to talk to him now before its his special day and sort it out so u have a lovely day tomorrow!
Hope I all goes well in the end!
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