A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't even know where to begin with this situation. I am 26 and have an 8 month old son with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. My son was not planned and took us both by complete surprise. My bf has another child from a previous relationship that he has absolutely nothing to do with. He has never seen the child and has not spoken to the mother since they broke up 4 years ago before she even knew she was pregnant. He does however pay court ordered child support. He ask me to have an abortion with my son, I refused. I knew going into the relationship that he did not want any kids, but I was also under the impression that I could not have any, so I was fine with that. I gave him the option to leave and not have anything more to do with me or the child but he decided to stick it out. To this day I do not know why he did. We have done nothing but fight for the last year. He does not have anything to do with his son. I feel like a single mother in a bad relationship. I know that he loves me and I love him very much, but having a child seriously put a kink in things. I love my son more than anything else in the world and will not trade him for anything. I guess my question is: Will it be better to consider breaking things off with him now so that I don't have my son around all of the arguing and fighting or stick it out for a little while longer and see if he grows to love our son and make peace with me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): honestly hun you can choose to stay and be unhappy or leave and find someone who you and your son can be happy for the rest of your lives people do change but if your fighting all the time not only is it bad for your son to see but for you as well be strong walk out hes a deadbeat but only you know what you want to do but honestly you know its not going to work there are so many single moms out there including me im 25 with 2 kids and there are so many fish in the sea.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): Thank you for your comments. I very much agree with the seeking counceling option. Knowing him as well as I do I hate to say that I do not think he will agree with that. I came seeking advise because I am back and forth on this. Sometimes when I say something to him about his lack of attention to his son he says "he will be mine when he is potty trained". I am just scared that if I wait until that time and he still does not do his part it will be to late for my son.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): Your bf does not have the empathy or compassion to be a committed partner and a loving father. It really takes a man with great pride in himself, self-respect and the heart/commitment to weather the efforts needed to keeping his relationship happy and ensuring his kid is looked after in the emotional sense. He is your partner, this should be an equally balanced effort where the two of you mutually share the responsibilities of parenting. He's not doing his share. In effect..you need to be a team but you aren't, and he's too busy with his own agendas. Your son will also need a strong, steady role male model, a man with patience, self respect who sets a good solid example to him and builds unity with you. Your bf doesn't appear to care, the fighting seems in my view, to be a symptom of a deeply rooted problem, which started with his inabilty to be a more formidable Father. In other words, he's too inclined to do what he darn well pleases without forethought to his family. You don't state how old he is. If he's around the same age as you, there is a slim chance, he could mature into a good father, if he wanted to. Right now, he is not inclined that way and has chosen a different path. And he's let you know that. However, if you still want to save this and feel he might change, you need to be really, really strong and set a huge boundary. Either he cleans up his act or he loses his family. Tell him, you are calling a relationship counselor and see if you can get him and yourself into some serious couples therapy or this relationship will self destruct. If he won't do that, then there is your answer. He is not committed to changing and you have a 'big dud' for a partner. I am sorry. But remember, if you are the only one actively parenting and your child is continually exposed to bitterness, dissension and fighting between you both, then you need to do something here, pronto. So, get into counseling asap or consider making your own way, if he doesn't want to fix this. Because the fighting, arguing is definitely not a healthy way to nor happy home for a child. And every child deserves a happy, stable home. If it's decided you need to go, start making plans, and make sure to protect your child's future and ensure your bf does pay child support as his previous gf did. And please, please, please...suggest he get a vasectomy, so he doesn't go out there and impregnate more unsuspecting women, who will be raising their children, fatherless. Take care and Good luck, my dear!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): honey if he hadn't grown to love it in 8 months he's not going to start now. get rid of him. if i can raise my two small children alone then you can find someone better than that guy. just think what makes you think he will have something to do with your baby and he has another child that he has nothing to do with. he is made to pay child support.
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