A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My heart is just bursting with feelings and I don't know where to begin. To make a long story short, I have played the guitar for 20 years, and my dream was to be in a band and play for real audiences. Everyone tells me that I'm a fabulous guitar player, but it still hasn't worked out for me to have a band of my own and I am beginning to despair, because I want it so much that my heart hurts and I don't think I'm meant to play in a band. I don't particularly care about being rich or famous. I just want to play in a real band for real audiences. Nothing else fills the void, and I can't live without music in my life. Sitting at home playing scales all alone makes it worse.I have a very close friend who is also a really fabulous guitar player... he's one of my best friends, and I REALLY want him to be happy. I pray for his happiness every day, actually. But, he recently auditioned for a band and got accepted and I was horrified to realize that I feel jealous. Part of me is happy for him, but I feel left behind and shut out. He's always going to rehearsals and events and I don't see as much of him. I KNOW that he's a true friend but sometimes I get jealous thoughts like, ''I'm not good enough for him now,'' or, ''He doesn't care about me as much.'' I trust my friend and I know I'm imagining these things, but it's eating me alive! This past Tuesday was Día De Muertos (Day of the Dead), which is a holiday I usually love, but I was very depressed because I spent Day of the Dead alone, and felt like a loser! I invited my friend out to eat something but he couldn't go because he had a rehearsal. I started to realize that the horrible stabbing feeling in my heart was because I feel left out. The fireworks are popping for all my friends and not for me.I feel like I don't have anything that represents a meaningful life of my own! Other activities don't fill the void. I feel like my life isn't whole without music in it, and to be at home practicing scales in my bedroom while my friends are out gigging just makes my heart sink. I Need music in my life but whenever I play the guitar I feel frustrated because no one thinks I'm good enough to play in a band or for an audience. Even though people say I play the guitar great, no one was ever interested in committing to me as a band member and it makes me feel like I wasn't good enough to commit to. I feel overcome with guilt because I feel jealous of my friend. I feel two faced because I haven't told him how I feel and guilty because I'm unhappy as opposed to 100% happy.I love my friend so much, but... am I a terrible friend for being jealous of him?I want so badly to play in a real band for real audiences, and the desire won't stop torturing me. I feel like it's not meant to happen but I can't stop longing for it. What do I do? I need music in my life but feel like I'm not meant to have it! I have been VERY depressed lately because I don't think my life is progessing! I see the fireworks bursting for all my friends... ''this one is playing in a band, this one is travelling in Spain, this one is in a happy relationship...'' and I don't have anything ''to live for.'' I teach school, plan my classes, do laundry and practice the guitar at home alone. I have absolutely NO life... and it's driving me crazy to see other people having dreams while I live my life in chains. I love my friends and want the best for them but I feel so left out. How do I deal with this jealousy? Am I a terrible friend? How do I deal with longing to be in a band of my own when it will never happen?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor  +, writes (5 November 2011):
 I'm sorry you're feeling such major depression. I can totally relate to the feeling of not being good enough, feeling like my life is at a standstill, and even not being appealing to people when it came to certain things (see my article about it here: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/need-a-confidence-booster.html ). But you have to realize that you DO add value to the world. It may not be in the form of playing in front of large audiences, maybe it's the gift of teaching others how to play. And I wouldn't give up on playing in front of small audiences either. You never know who may still discover you. You have the passion- so just keep the faith... and try. And if things doesn't work out for you, at least you know you gave 100%. And just know... some people dream and do nothing... while other's dream and take action. And you're not a bad friend for feeling some sort of jealousy- because ultimately you are happy for him. You just view your situation and compare it with his/others- and start to feel some sort of way about it. But maybe you can ask him if he do you a favor and ask for an audition with his band- or ask someone in his band is there someone that he/she could recommend that you speak to and hopefully audition in front of. Be proactive. Best of luck to you! ** And I would also recommend that you speak to someone (family member, friend,therapist) about your issue. You need a positive, supportive person in your life- someone who may be able to assist you further.
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