| A ,
anonymous
writes: This is kinda a long one. My boyfriend of three months acts like he thinks I am emotionally weak because on several occassions I cried in response to some of his decisions/comments. He is not good at communicating so he holds things in and then when he is annoyed with something he says something kind-of mean or critical to me. At first I had the power in the relationship but now it is more in his hands. Like with sex. It is way more important to me. At first he met my needs but now we only have sex when he wants to. I want to say no sometimes to prove a point, but if I do that, then we would never have sex. I am beginning to think that he is either not sexually attracted to me or that he doesn't enjoy sex with me. I am relatively inexperienced other than missionary and he doesn't like to experiment. I feel kind of trapped. I am very analytical and he doesn't like to talk about things so I am afraid to say anything. I don't want to be this annoying girlfriend, but I dont want to live without my needs being met. Furthermore he works about two hours from me and lives there all week so I only see him on weekends. He doesn't like to go do anything big when he is home. I am 23 and he is 30. I still need the night life once in a while wheras he doesn't. I am just starting to feel like I need him. How do I get at least some of the power back? I want to at least try to make things work. I don't want him to freak when I talk to him and I don't want him to dump me. I do not think I am any more needy than an average woman but I know he has not dated many sensitive women that needed lots of attention. I definitely need more than he gives me. I'm scared to do/say anything but I don't want to feel unsatisfied. What can I do. Sincerley, Really Confused
View related questions:
trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, Groove +, writes (16 June 2005):
You are not being more needy than the average (intelligent) woman. When we're with a man we love we tend to feel closest to them during love-making. It's not that we need it more than they do, physically, but we do emotionally. Men tend only to do it when they want it physically. It doesn't fulfil an emotional need for them. And the more tired they are, the less it's going to happen. I'm sure your boyfriend, if questioned, would say (probably honestly) that he does love having sex with you. It doesn't stop it hurting when he doesn't want to though, does it?! It's very easy to say 'no' just to get your own back. Generally, this just leads to further problems as he'll think you're not interested in him and, believe me, men get insecure too and are even less likely to want sex then! You say he doesn't like to experiment. I wonder if actually, he wouldn't mind you doing something a bit different but isn't going to ask for it or initiate it himself. If he's very tired, he might need for you to initiate things before he'll be keen, but then you'll find he's willing. The trouble with this is that you are still left feeling that you have to do all the work, and that he's not really interested in you. A hard one - and if you find the answer, do let me know... If he loves you, and you accept that, you'll just have to believe his words - or try to find confirmation in his non-sexual actions (there are other equally important ways that people show love e.g. spending time with you, giving you gifts, giving you affirming words, acts of service; as well as physical touch, and others of these may be his more natural way of giving / receiving love. Look out for these; and, incidentally, if one of these is his preferred way of showing love to you - that way will tend to be the way he understands your love best too)Some men do find it hard to talk about their feelings due to their upbringing: we all know men tend to be conditioned that way socially. But there are plenty of men who are not like this, and training any man up to emotional maturity is not something you should have to do. Especially not at his age. Weigh it up; is this relationship making you happy - at all? Don't try to change things about him - or think that you will be happy when he has changed. We only live once; don't waste time waiting for happiness. It is true that successful relationships take a lot of hard work - but both partners have to be willing and want to work on aspects of their character that need to improve. And clearly, recognizing the problem is a step towards this. Has he even recognized a problem? One ultimatum in a relationship, that I think is perfectly acceptable is "talk to me, and i'll listen to you without judgment, and you do the same for me - or this is never going to work and we might as well give up now". You obviously haven't had a positive relationship yet, because there is no way you would settle for this. A relationship is a partnership - I understand what you are saying about power struggles completely - but it is not healthy. Despite his age he is not mature enough to put your needs first. Go find a man who will. Or even better, be happy in your own skin without a man. You aren't even in a dependent situation and, from your unhappy tone, it doesn't sound like the loss of this one would be much of a loss. Don't settle for a man who does not love you more than he loves himself and who does not treat you in that way. The only way I see you getting the power back is realising that you're on to a losing one here, and ending the relationship. Think long and hard before committing any more emotional energy to this one.
|
