A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, hi everyone! :)...... Hope you can all give me some good advice, as I'm in a very confusing situation atm.I'v been with my boyfriend 3 years. We've had lots of ups and downs. Mainly downs. He can be very difficult. Jealous and controlling. But I love him and throughout all have stuck with him. So, the past two weeks have been especially hell. During arguments he"ll often tell me he doesn't see a future with me, I'm not good enough etc. He's said worse but these are the main things. So when I decide to accept it, he'll all of a sudden twist it round. We will end up making up and everything's ok, for a while. In the last 2 weeks, this has happened 3 times. Then on Monday, I told him I was calling to pick something up from the shop before work. he (being paranoid) decided to follow me, to check this. (thought I couldn't see him. He's done this kind of thing before, and got no result.)..... Well when I saw him, I just felt really sad and sorry for him, that he felt the need to do that. I didn't let on that I'd seen him, just went about my business and went to work. However , when trying to ring him, my calls were ignored, like I was the one in the wrong (he often does this). So I decided I'd had enough. Between mon-thurs I started separating our stuff, applying for a home. Sure enough, on thurs the tears came. So, since then. He's been trying so so hard. I really can't fault him. He's been doing everything and anything he can to make me feel special. Telling me he loves me, surprises, talking about the future etc. But tbh, since Monday especially, when I saw him following me, I lost all my trust in him. So therefore im not sure my hearts really in it anymore. Two months back, id have loved him to be acting like this. But now I feel like he's just making the inevitable harder. He's making me feel guilty for thinking that we might not infant have a future. And after all he's put me through I'm not sure I want to anymore. I guess I don't trust that he's actually changed. He may be trying to make me feel secure. Then he will return to his old self?....... I just don't know. When he was being horrible to me, I was able to think clearly and logically .... But now I just feel a massive sense of guilt. Because I do love him, and he is trying. And while he has done bad, sometimes abusive things in the past, he is not a real bad person. What do you think? ...... My heads saying leave him. Be in control of my own life. Definately don't let him pressure me into kids. I can't see the rest of my life doing what he says. Missing out on normal things because he's too insecure. But my heart hurts at the thought of causing him to hurt (even after all the hurt he's caused me). And now, walking out on him would be even harder when I think of all the good things he's done for me. And how almost losing me seems to have made him realise he does actually love me?.......... I feel it's all a little too late from him.......
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female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (14 February 2012):
 I'm in a very similar emotional situation right now, and i have decided that i need to move on. Yes he'll be hurt, yes it'll be hard but i know myself that things won't change, because he's not prepared to work on himself to fight for me.
As much as it hurts to admit it, i made my choice and have to stick with it now. You know in your head that you should leave, and i think you need to take the plunge and do so.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 February 2012):
 Be brave and follow what your heart knows; this is not a healthy relationship. He is not well, he needs to figure out his own insecurities and jealousies himself. You are not going to be able to fix those for him. He has to deal with them himself.
I think the better way to look at the timing is that you gave it a good 3 years and alas, it didn't work out. Throwing more good years after these 3 years is just a waste of your future years.
I predict you will feel a vast sense of relief and release when you are no longer tied to a man who has to follow you and play stupid games because his own insecurities and jealousy torment him. Don't allow his inner demons to become your tormentors as well. Your heart may ache but that's not enough of a reason to sentence yourself to a life of misery with a controlling man who wants you on lock-down.
That being said, I would take steps to do this safely and make sure you have lots of support and lots of people keeping an eye out for you. A guy who sneaks around, stalking your movements, is a guy who may not handle the split well. In other words, BE CAREFUL. Have a plan to know that you are moving safely through your daily life; be sure to be with friends and let them know what you are going through. BE SAFE.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (14 February 2012):
this sounds alot like me. I had alot of trust issues with my girlfriend. I dont know why I did. I just was always scared of her cheating on me. Or being attacked and i wasnt there to protect her. She felt the same way you did. Hated it, couldnt take the fighting and she broke up with me. I was sad. I cried alot and felt like Shit. But, that was the best thing she could have done. we had problems before we would fight and have trust problems. We would work it out but a week later or a month later it would happen again. When she broke up with me I felt like I lost everything. The time we were not together help me put into perspective of all the things I did wrong. All of my trust issues, all of my anger and jealousy. This happened in the first 6 months of us dating. All of the fighting and jealousy happened at the beginning of our relationship. We got back together and I changed. I changed because I wanted to and i realized how much I hate drama.I think that after 3 years if he cant trust you. he will never trust you. You can try to break up with him, try to make it work, but its been three years. By now he should know everything about you. what you like, your friends, family, everything! I think you situation needs a break.he does obviously cares about you because if he didnt he wouldnt be following you exc... He does have some emotional problems/trust... I dont understand why he would say he doesnt see a future with you. then do things to make you stay around.. maybe something in his life is going on?Hope any of this helps.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (14 February 2012):
 This is a WAKE UP CALL, the man clearly is insecure, has trust issues and probally much more goin on. He is now ( stalking) you, this is NOT exceptable, who knows what else he is capable of. I appreciate you love him, and that its always hard to move on and start again , but you really must do this for yourself, dont let the tears fool you again, men are good at using this method to gain control. His told you many times there is no future ( trying to break you down, distroy your confidence) his said your not good enough for him!!! honey HIS not good enough for you, so before he wins and breaks you down walk away while your still in control of your life, trust me you will thank me one day.
stay strong
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 February 2012):
 Listen to your head, you already know the answer, you said it yourself, the relationship has more downs than ups. Nobody is meant to live like that! Removing him from you life will create the space for a new, better relationshp with more ups than downs.
Good luck!
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