A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Thanks for listening.This is really an awful question...But I have been struggling a long time with this and can't really ask friends or family.I am married to a lovely man for a few years now. And we have a child. We are both in our late thirties. This is a second marriage for both of us.I was sexually abused as child and never had a sexual relationship until I met my ex husband at age 27. We waited until our wedding night. Both vigins. It was awful. And it didn't get better. He was also an abusive man. After a few years I managed to get out. (During that time if we had sex 10x, it would have been a lot). I realised that I had a problem with abuse and was probably attracting it. When to councilling for 2 and a half years. Emerged a new person!Met my current husband 3 years ago. Was great! He was so loving and fantastic. Introduced me to my first orgasm! I ended up absolutely loving sex! Which was amazing considering my past. I couldn't get enough. He just to joke that he had created a monster! It was like a dream come true. All the bad connotations I had with sex, out the window.4 months into our relationship, I got pregnant. We were both happy! But it did put a strain on our new marriage. I was so sick and vomited constantly. My husband seemed to be tired and withdrawn all the time, sex life out the window. I didn't have the strength to query what was up with him. Thought it was work and baby coming etc. Then one day he could not climb the stairs in our flat. And had to sit down half way up because he was so out of breath!We had some tests done, and it turned out he had critical elevated levels of fat in the blood due to some genetic inability to remove fat from blood. This only manifested itself with him at age 37.He went on a highly restrictive diet and meds. And he improved. But very depressed about never eating chips or lamb chops or bacon and egg again.But his sex drive never returned. We saw drs and urologists regarding this, but nothing helped. Now I am in a sexless mariage. He doesnt want to even talk about sex. When I get the courage to bring it up, he plays down the role of sex. How it isn't that important and how we still have each other and our lovely son. I told him that I would still like to have sex, and even if he didnt, could he perhaps join me in bed at least and help me out in other ways than penetration? He said he would. But now if I say tonight I would like to do something. HE is always too tired(even though i suggest it early) or wants to put it off to another night. So now it is left to once every two months (maybe).I try and masturbate on my own, but he is very upset if he catches me. (I try and go to the spare bedroom when he is watching television, but he always comes looking for me if i am away for more than 15 min)And tries to make out as if I am some kind of sex maniac, wanting sex "all the time". But it is once a weekI realize that he is hurting because he cant anymore, but how do I address it? He refuses councelling.Except for the sex, it is a great relationship. We have good times. We play together with our son, we cook food together(low fat now), sit around the fire with a glass of wine talking about future dreams, he still hugs me and holds my hand, but never more. He has stopped looking at me when I am naked. Will avert his eyes and leave the room. I feel invisible as a sexual being.He is a great father, comforts me when i am upset,supports me when things are tough at work. He lies with his arm across me when we sleep. Careful never to touch my breasts or private area.Such a lovely man. But do not talk about sex to him... It is like living with a good friend or brother.I miss having sex so much!!!In my entire life I have only had good sex for 6 months. And now it is over. Forever. Soon I will be too old to be sexually attractive anymore. The wrinkles around my eyes is becoming more prominent by the day.I want to have an affair. Please.I am so sorry, but I do.Have been thinking about this for past 2 years now.Just something physical.I dont want to leave my husband.Will we survive this...
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (5 July 2008):
 Not often I get tears in my eyes reading these posts but I have right now. I wish I too could hug you and wave a magic wand for you.
Think about how your husband is feeling about this, I think it is affecting him deeply and the only way he can cope is to block it out, completely. Thats why he hates you masturbtating, he probably feels so useless and feels as though his masculinity has been stripped away. Thats why you cant have an affair, it would probable destroy him as these things always come out in the end. He will notice the spring in your step and the smile in your voice and the fact you no longer nag him for sexual release.
Stop talking about sex or asking him to relieve you. Try and masturbate when he is out of the house. Go to a sex counsellor yourself, a good one will understand that your husband is refusing to come with you and should be able to give you suggestions to try out at home. I am pretty sure from your information that his problem is psychological not physical, which makes it harder to cure as there is no magic tablet and the person has to WANT to be cured.
If you go and report back that the counsellor may be able to help him he may change his mind. If he refuses explain that you need this to save your marriage.
At the end of the day if you do all you can and he refuses to get help or help you with sexual tension then you have a very difficult decision to make, stay in a sexless marriage or leave him to find a new man. I wish you all the best x
A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (5 July 2008):
 Hi hun.
You are articulate and authentic in this post. I must confess that it made me a bit weepy. It seems, sometimes in life that there is always something. In your case circumstances and timing have not worked out for you. You had to go down a painful road to meet your soulmate, you did and now you are facing the future in a sexless marriage. You love and respect your husband and do not want to hurt or disrespect him but you know you are a sexually vibrant person so what to do. Could you show him this post or talk to him about this. Is he aware that you are counterbalancing this relationship with the fact that you cannot live without a sexual relationhip...and you cannot and you are honest. I checked your flag...should know the country but do not of hand. What is the stance on counselling there. It is funny that it is an accepted norm in some countries but not in all. I think this will help but it cannot eliminate the fact that your husband has lost interest in sex. It would be helpful if he could engage in some sexual activity with you even a measure of foreplay with you. It is harsh of him to expect you to go cold turkey when you were so active before. I am thinking that counselling could get him to that point. Does he want to continue to be marrried to you if he knows that you are miserable. You mention he is utterly devoted to you so could he not step up a bit more in the bedroom to hold on to someone he loves and needs. You have a good and honest man there and you will feel the void if you let him go. I would suggest immediate counselling. If he does not want to meet you half way you will be living a compromised existence as I think sex is important in a marriage and anything could happen. Hope this helps hun and keep us posted.xxx000
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): Oh dear, this is so sad;
To start, I wish I could reach out and just give you a hug;
YOu have my empathy; you have suffered so much emotioanl trauma; you have dealt with so much pain and hurt;
I can understand that you are in turmoil; yes you love your husband, however it is not fair that you have to live without sex; sex is very important in a marriage; and yeah I can understand that you might consider an affair, BUT I am asking you PLEASE don't; you are going to make matters far more complicated; you are going to feel quilty; it will have an affect on your marriage; you think you will be able to have sex, no strings attached, but it is not so easy; us women do get emotionally involved when sharing our bodies and when becoming sexually intimate; you are going to add to your problems;
Is your husband physically still very unhealthy; now that he is following the correct diet and medication; is he funtioning normally in all other aspects as going to work etc; is it just that he is to tired for sex; has the doctors warned him not to have sex?
I do know people who had heart transplants and continue to have a sexual relationship there after; I am trying to establish if his medical condition is as such that he is not allowed or that it is to risky?
Obviously you have discussed this with him; but I do suggest you have to talk to him again; you have to tell him how you feel; Have you considered asking him to go for counselling with you; I suggest you both see a sextherapist or sexologist; if you ask your doctor, he or she might be able to refer you to one;
YOu really should give him the opportunity to work through this with you; make it very clear to him that it is important for the survival of your marraige;
Try this avenue before you consider anything else;
I know it is not easy, but don't do something you will later regret;you can email me if you feel like talking;
You are in my thoughts and don't delay this; go get some good advice and assistance on this matter;
Keep smiling and keep us posted.
Best wishes
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