A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hiya, hope you guys can help me move on. I hads my first real relationship but split up with my ex four months ago. He could be rude, snappy, very negative and would criticise my appearance. I also suspected he may have been cheating. I decided to end it, but we got back together for a mere 2 weeks before he told me on the phone he wanted to end it. I avoided all contact with my ex and was very proud for it. Until I met up with a mutual acquaintance (who did not know about me and my exs relationship). Not knowing I was the ex, my friend casually told me my ex is doing great, he had a birthday meal where 16 people all turned up, they went out partying til 4am and it was a fantastic night. Hes apparently really well and doing lots of things.And yet I felt awful, really low and inadequate. I could never get 16 people to my birthday and I could not help compare. My ex has never asked about me or attempted any contact . I know I should put this in the past but am floored by my feelings.How do you overcome this feelings of inadequacy?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): I had to smile when I read your problem because it is very similar to something that happened to me. Which I hope may help you.I went out with my ex off/on for 3 months. When we split, I went no contact as I thought a clean slate was good and stopped hanging out at his favourite club.Lo and behold, 4 months later I bump into a mutual friend. He tells me (like in your case) my ex had a birthday meal where loads of people turned up arranged by his female best friend. I must admit I did feel a bit strange, but in my head thought hes doing good, well thats great for him. UNTIL it hit me what else my friend said:A) his female best friend had now found a boyfriend herself and was not really hanging out at the club with him anymoreB) She had arranged his birthday meal but he didnt turn up for her birthday meal.C) His "psycho" ex (who kept emailing him lovelorn messages when we were together) was now attending his club. He had tried to chat to her but she had said it was "too difficult" to talk to him. Selective hearing is a thing we all can be guilty off, so I suggest you take everything you heard or were told with a pinch of salt.When I talked to my friend I heard "hes doing great, had a great birthday meal", I didnt hear he had essentially lost his best friend, has to deal with a persistent ex and didnt turn up to his best friends birthday meal.Remember whatever you heard was one side of the story and feelingis simply not worth it. Maybe you too had selective hearing?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2013): I am the question asker, I think youre being very unfair "So very confused" assuming the worst intentions on my part.
Its not that I want him to be depressed or pine away for me. or that I derive some joy from him being in pain.
Its simply this: by going out partying, I dont think I meant all that much to him. Our relationship ended and he didnt seem to care. And that does hurt... I will admit.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 February 2013):
 I have no ability to have 16 people at a party...
I have very few friends... I can think of 3 good friends off the top of my head and a bunch of acquaintances...
having 16 people show up for a party does not validate that you are a good person... or anything else just that you throw a good party (maybe he provided free booze who knows)
you are feeling inadequate because of something you heard second hand..
you are feeling inadequate because you wanted him to curl up in a ball and pine away for you and how dare he move on and live his life and not miss you.
WHO CARES what an ex is doing
if you had heard that he is in the throes of a deep despairing depression and pining away for you, would you have felt good? why or why not?
so the fact that he's living well is bothering you...
I've always said living well is the best revenge and you're post proves it.
just because he's doing well does not mean you are not.
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